     Faiza | Monday, April 09, 2001 - 05:11 am
I'm an 18 Year old somewhat religious girl. I do the usual, go to school hang out with friends, go to Qur'an classes, talk and socialize. but lately I've been thinking about marriage.
Now here's the problem. Most guys I know are immature and all think about girlfriends. Except this one guy, but I don't know how to aproach him. Should I go talk to him first. should tell his cousin to set us up. or should I just forget about it. What should I do????? |
| stranger | Monday, April 09, 2001 - 06:02 am
faiza..follow ur heart...sister...
first find out if he is interested in u....then go for it....cuz good men only come once in a blue moon...the rest are wana bees... |
| Mystic.K | Monday, April 09, 2001 - 06:52 am
That is not a sensible advice though! You want to get married then get your parents to carry out a little investigation and make a few suggestions to his parents.
Even if you think he is the best in the universe things will get complicated if you don't follow the right procedures and you will endup with a soar heart before long.
Talk to your mother because we don't know anything about you, and wether this good guy is better off being left alone by you, to be think like that you are not even paying attension in your quran classes. |
| fg. | Monday, April 09, 2001 - 08:55 pm
That isn't fair. |
| faiza | Tuesday, April 10, 2001 - 04:31 am
Mystic.k I am a good girl and I do pay attention to my Qur'an. You can't judge someone you don't know. Tell my mom?????? I'll think about it. |
| Stranger | Tuesday, April 10, 2001 - 10:59 am
Assalaamu alaikum
Just to let you guys know.. stranger isn't me.
To avoid confusion, I am Stranger.. with a capital 'S', and the other individual is stranger with a lower cap 's'. |
| WGN | Tuesday, April 10, 2001 - 12:13 pm
fg, what isn't fair?? That you are not in love too or that you can't help this girl because you don't know anything about her? Or that she can't focus 100% on the Quran right now??
faiza, I think you are way too young to think about marriage. And you don't even know the guy yet (!!another good reason why it is too early to talk about marriage!!), so how can you tell how mature he is? You should focus on school first. And enjoy your adolescence....You will soon enough get a boring husband and 10 kids, so don't worry.... |
| Anonymous | Tuesday, April 10, 2001 - 12:56 pm
I totally agree with brother Mystic suggests. However, I view the situation a little differently. To me it’s a question about proposing to the brother.. Faiza if my understanding is correct then there is nothing wrong with a sister proposing to a brother. We can find examples from the Sunnah where a sister proposed to a brother and vice versa.
I suppose brother Mystic misunderstood your question because there was room for misreading your question to mean boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship. Parental consent is a must in order for the marriage to proceed. Marriage is a big step sister, you should exercise caution and pray Istikharrah. |
| stranger | Tuesday, April 10, 2001 - 01:03 pm
naya stranger...stop using my name.....girl...... |
| Lady Jane | Tuesday, April 10, 2001 - 03:02 pm
Asalamu caleykum wa raxmatullahi wa barakaatu!
Sister Faiza, first of all let me commend you on your bravery! You are treading a threshold which many are too afraid or ambivalent to set foot on. Sister let me remind you that everything begins and ends with Allah...so let me say...bismilahi raxmaani raxiim.
It is very admirable that you have chosen marriage over a casual boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship as the westerners do.Even if you are just considering it.As we all know,our religion especially encourages marriage when one is in their prime and while still in their youth.
The task of finding a mate who will fulfill all of your needs is not any easy endeavour.There are many things to be taken into consideration.It is also best to have a mature person to advise you in this matter...a person who can tell you all you need to know from an Islamic prospective... which is the most important prospective of all.
I must agree with brother Mystic.K in the point of involving your parents in this matter.Your parents my dear are the only people who have your best interests at heart regardless of circumstances.
It is your parents' opinion you should value over anyone else's.The institution of marriage is one that cannot be easily understood by someone who is living a single life.It takes a great deal of commitment to make a marriage a successful and fruitful relationship.Take example from your parents... hopefully they have an abundant supply of wisdom and lessons learnt from the trials of marriage.
Another thing you could do sister Faiza is to get to know the brother you are interesed in.In my opinion,things will be a whole lot easier if you already know the qualities that you wish your spouse to possess. The way you know these qualities is to know yourself. Hence,sister Faiza,you must really know and be in touch with your own strengths and weaknesses.. thus making your quest for a husband more smooth than rocky.
Lastly,let me tell you that there is nothing wrong with a young sister wishing to get married.When we muslims see or witness a good thing we should say maasha Allah,Allahu Akbar!
So maasha Allah,Allahu Akbar on your efforts!
Don't let anyone discourage you from your goals...those who do are only considering the short-lived pleasures of this dunya.There is no point in you procrastinating doing something halal because someone else thinks that you ought to be doing something else like finishing school or that you are immature to be entertaining such thoughts.
You said you were 18 and in the eyes of the law(not the islamic one) you are a full fledged adult in their own right,capable of making decisions on their own.Remember that the women at the time of the Prophet(saw)were getting married long before the age of 18...so what makes you any different.Dear sister,everything comes with prayer...so pray to the All-Mighty,The Listener,The Able and The Loving and insha Allah He will cast guidance into your heart and light the way for you in this matter and others.
Take good care of yourselves.May Allah comfort and be with you all!
Peace,love and good will to you all!
Lady Jane.
Asalamu caleykum wa raxmatullahi wa barakaatu! |
| GhettoGirl | Tuesday, April 10, 2001 - 04:01 pm
stranger with small caps:
Who the BEEP are you calling naya! I think you owe the "real" Stranger an apology or else. |
| Ahmed Jama | Tuesday, April 10, 2001 - 06:37 pm
Salaama Aleikum
Sister Faisa Let me drop line here, you choose soul mate by Deed as Lady Jane Said, second I advice you get married while you young, that's the Sunah our Prophet said.
Prophet said in Hadith I love most Women and Perfume, so I advice all my sister to make Marriage simple |
| faiza | Wednesday, April 11, 2001 - 05:27 am
Thank you all for your advice. First of all, I don't plan to get married tommorow. I said i was thinking about it. and second i do know him a little (through his cousin). I'm asking if i should talk to him, get to know him. i'm sure he's considered getting married but hasn't found the righ girl (that's where I come in).by the way he's 23. And I'm not going to have 10 kids and stay at home and grow fat. why does everyone think married life is like being in prison? I'm looking forward to it. |
| Mystic.K | Wednesday, April 11, 2001 - 06:20 am
Sorry walaalo if i sounded a bit harsh. @Faisa
Walaalo you still don't know him personaly! I can't see anything wrong with you saying "salamu alykum to him" without showing him you have a crush on him. I can't think of a simpler solution.
Remember sometimes you can cause harm without intending to do so. There must be a reason why he has chosen to avoid the pursuit of girls and maintains a solitary life style. Walaalo some choose due to a lot of negative experiences and some have little desires of duniya!
If he is religious then your task may be simple ask him to explain something about a topic in islam or recommend a book!
May allah[swt] make your journey a pleasurable and a life long one sister. I think Lady Jane gave the best advice that directs you towards your goal with patience and constance. Masha allah for your maturity at your age and insha allah you will achieve your gaol. |
| Qoonsade | Wednesday, April 11, 2001 - 08:23 am
IF you get married you will stay home and rise the future leaders of Muslim Ummah. What is wrong with that? For instance, getting 10 kids is the blessing of the Allah Almighty, and any muslim person with 10 kids must be very thankful to ALLah. On the other hand, it must be clear to you that is compulsory for the women to stay home, while it is wajib on the men to support their families. I don't think any man would send his wife to go for work without pressing needs. |
| WGN | Thursday, April 12, 2001 - 04:34 am
Faiza, Qoonsade is right about something here... If you are a muslim woman you are suppose
to look at every child as a gift. You say you are not going to have 10 kids but can you
actually plan that? I mean, as a practicing muslim? Or are you telling us that you 1: are
going to use some sort of birth-control?? Does islam support such a thing? Or is it
just that you want the best from both worlds? Or are you going to 2: give up sex with your future
husband to avoid pregnancy? And you are looking forward to get married?? Do you know that
your husband can divorce you if you don't give him sex? Why do I get the feeling that you are
one of those who in the end will look at your marriage as a prison... Anyway, it has to be 1 or 2, so tell me, which one is it??  And to say that you are not going to stay home and grow fat is an insult to every grown woman, muslim or not, so watch your steps. You might feel very grown by the age of 18, but let me tell you that
it's just an illusion. You are not an adult yet, I can tell by the way you talk. And another
thing, I've been there, I know what I'm talking about. |
| Faiza | Thursday, April 12, 2001 - 06:07 am
Ok let me tell you all something. I'm not stupid. I know what marriage will be like. As for my comment about having ten kids and growing fat, thats what people have been saying to me to get me to stop thinking about marriage.
I know what its like to raise kids. I'm the second oldest in a family of ten kids and two parents. WGN You can't assume that I don't know about divorce or about pleasing your husband! I am muture for my age.I'm trying to make a decision here. And have you forgotten that i said i was religious and don't even get me started on my views about birth control. Sorry for going on a rampage but, even though you cant see things from my point of view try to understan I have a good heart. I just wish he knew.
For now Asalamu Alaykum |
| now and again | Thursday, April 12, 2001 - 06:19 am
WGN- that question about using birth control. I heard that the asxaab used to have some kind of birth control method..practiced BEFORE conception occured. I think there is a hadith somewhere where the asxaab went to the nabi (scw) telling him of thier methods and he said something to the effect that as long as they don't try to REVERSE what has been and allah has created, then it's up to them. any1 heard of this hadith?. I'm thinking then that birth control is all right as long as it doesn't harm the mother or a would be baby..terminating a pregnacy is VERY xaraam though...but using methods to try to prevent is o.k. I guess....so long as you know you can't stop something allah has ordained.
I realize this topic is not much spoken of, had anyone done research on it??. Sex is not a taboo subject in islam (quit laughing Lady Jane..lol.I know what you're thinking1)and its best that we educate ourselves about it..the do's and dont's. It's another way of fighting satan.
peace and faith
now and again |
| WGN | Thursday, April 12, 2001 - 07:09 am
First of all, nobody are saying you are stupid. You are just young. So you just adopted what
people said to you about growing fat and have 10 kids, and made it your own opinion? I am
sure your mom will be pleased to hear your opinion about that since she has given birth to
10 kids, especially would she love to hear about the fat part.... Or is it that you don't
want to end up like your mom? Do we see an opposing teenager in love here?
I have no doubts that you can please a husband when you are ready for such a commitment, and I
assume since you are against birth-control that your solution is to avoid having sex with your
husband to prevent yourself from growing fat and have 10 kids? (I am just teasing you)
This has nothing to do with having a good heart or not. It has to do with your
future life. If you ask for advice in public you have to be prepared for critical views
also. You can't expect all the replies to go "your way". I suggest you follow Mystic-K's advice and approach the man with innocent questions. It is a good advice and it is a good start to get to know him better. The first step out in the unknown is always the most difficult one. But whatever you choose to do, don't start a conversation by telling him you are thinking about marriage.....
Good luck to ya! 
now and again, what you are talking about here is very interesting. It is well known that most cultures have been using birth-control for thousands of years. But I was not aware that the Quran supported it, let's hear what the wise heads in here has to say.... |
| Sistah-X | Thursday, April 12, 2001 - 08:28 am
WGN u sound so sarcastic lol. hey the girl asked for advice here not critisism or is that your job, to critisise? As far as the fat part, why u dwelling on it? So the girl wants to keep her figure, so what?! About the birth control, I dont know what the scholars say about it or how to interpret these ahadiith but this is what the Prophet said about it.
Narrated Abu Said Al-Khudri:
That during the battle with Bani Al-Mustaliq they (Muslims) captured some females and intended to have sexual relation with them without impregnating them. So they asked the Prophet about coitus interruptus. The Prophet said, "It is better that you should not do it, for Allah has written whom He is going to create till the Day of Resurrection." Qaza'a said, "I heard Abu Sa'id saying that the Prophet said, 'No soul is ordained to be created but Allah will create it."
and
Narrated Jabir:
We used to practice coitus interrupt us during the lifetime of Allah's Apostle .
Narrated Jabir:
We used to practice coitus interrupt us while the Quran was being revealed. Jabir added: We used to practice coitus interrupt us during the lifetime of Allah's Apostle while the Quran was being Revealed.
I guess there are other methods of avoiding pregnancy without giving up sex, although not entirely as effective as using birth control, for example avoiding sex during ovulation. It would be great if somebody who has knowledge on this subject would share it insha Allah. |
| WGN | Thursday, April 12, 2001 - 09:06 am
Sistah-x, my intention was not to criticize her but to make her THINK. The girl is in love and everything is rose-red, I am just pouring a dose of of reality into her world. And I can see that some of it force through which is a good sign.
According to the latest in science a woman can probably get pregnant any day of the month. The possibility of a "safe period" is not as big as they thought it was. So I wouldn't count on that.... |
| Qoonsade | Saturday, April 14, 2001 - 11:51 am
Birth control is not allowed, unless there is a legitimate reason. Therefore, what some people call "family planning" is not a valid reason, but a imported tradition that is full of illusion, sheer misinformation, mind polluting idiology and deception. Beware of it. |
| WGN | Saturday, April 14, 2001 - 01:35 pm
Qoonsade, so what would you classify as a valid reason then? |
| MadMulah | Saturday, April 14, 2001 - 10:21 pm
WGN,
Birth control isn't permitted in Islam because it messes with nature. Anything that is Allah's will can not be prevented by a human being. Birth control pills are unnatural & their sole purpose is to prevent a child from being convceived. One can not try to stop a child's birth, since one does not create a child. Allah provides for each & every one of his creatures, therefore it's not up to us to decide.
However, there are many natural ways of performing family planning, such as breast-feeding for a minimum of 2 years, having conjugal intercourse during the "Safe period" and this is right after the period. I am not sure if condoms are permitted or prohibited, I yet have to find out that one! |
| MadMulah | Saturday, April 14, 2001 - 10:38 pm
Faiza,
Assalamu Aleikum! I can see I am quite late to add to this discussion, but I will anyways. Walaal, marriage is a blessing from Allah. It's not something to be very frightened about. I got married when I was 20 years old, and you should have seen the fuss everyone was making about it. People were talking to me as if the world was going to end. My mother & father had a fit, my sisters all protested, my brothers went nuts. My friends all thought I was going crazy. They all didn't want me to get married so young. But nevertheless, I got married & they all came to the wedding. You see, it's not other people that are getting married it's you, so think clearly about it.
Marriage is a lifetime commitment, I know it was for me. I'd to think about it for 3 years before I finally had the courage to say "Ok, I am ready now." So, sister think clearly about this and don't do anything hasty. Many Somali people today rush to marriage & then come to regret it, don't be one of them.
As for not wanting to have many kids, remember kids are a gift from Allah. Not everyone in this world is able to have a child. I know what some women go through to have children. My aunt was never able to have children because she had a faulty oviduct(Fallopian tube) and she went all over the world & had many surgeries, but she was never able to conceive. She died in 1995 and I think she died a sad woman, because she was never able to conceive. So, don't think every woman is blessed with having a child.
And another thing, the chances of a sperm reaching an ovum are scientifically very small. So, don't think everytime a man a woman conjugate a child is conceived. |
| WGN | Sunday, April 15, 2001 - 01:53 am
MadMulah, go and read fg's answer to this question
in the "any islamic questions for me" thread. It seems like there is some room for birth control in islam. And now I have to say that according to science there are no such thing as a safe period. I wish I could have posted the research, but it is in Norwegian, uh, and too many difficult words for me to translate to English...sorry. |
