     faisal | Friday, July 07, 2000 - 02:59 am
How to Make your Wife Happy
To help strengthening the Muslim families and spread the teachings of Islam
in building families, the Muslim Students' Association at the University of
Alberta prepared a extremely summarized translation for two books. The
books are Arabic by Sheikh Mohammad Abdelhaleem Hamed. An Egyptian scholar,
who graduated from the Islamic University of AlMadinah Al-Munawwarah in
Saudi Arabia. The two books are: 1- How to make your wife happy
2- How to make your husband happy
These are the best Arabic books I have seen on this subject. They exceed
the traditional presentation of stating rights and duties to the 'Adab (good
manners) and extend into application of these rights in daily life. The
following summary highlights mainly the responsibilities or examples of what
could or should be done. Every single item mentioned by the author is
supported by evidences from Qur'an, Sunnah or the actions of the companions,
but evidences are omitted in this translation. The following is the
translation of the FIRST book.
This translation is copyrighted to MSA at University of Alberta. Feel free
to repost it or reprint it by all means, provided that you do not make any
changes, additions, or omissions without permission.
How to make your wife happy !! (Part 1) ---------------------------------------
The following is part ONE of a summary of the book "How to make your wife
happy" by Sheikh Mohammed Abdelhaleem Hamed. 1. Beautiful Reception
After returning from work, school, travel, or whatever has separated you:
* begin with a good greeting.
* Start with Assalamau 'Aliaykum and a smile. Salam is a sunnah and a
du'aa for her as well. * Shake her hand and leave bad news for later!
2. Sweet Speech and Enchanting Invitations
* Choose words that are positive and avoid negative ones.
* Give her your attention when you speak of she speaks.
* Speak with clarity and repeat words if necessary until she understands.
* Call her with the nice names that she likes, e.g. my sweet-heart,
honey, saaliha, etc. 3. Friendliness and Recreation
* Spend time talking together. * Spread to her goods news.
* Remember your good memories together. 4. Games and Distractions
* Joking around & having a sense of humor.
* Playing and competing with each other in sports or whatever.
* Taking her to watch permissible (halal) types of entertainment.
* Avoiding prohibited (haram) things in your choices of entertainment.
5. Assistance in the Household
* Doing what you as an individual can/like to do that helps out,
especially if she is sick or tired.
* The most important thing is making it obvious that he appreciates her
hard work. 6. Consultation (Shurah) * Specifically in family matters.
* Giving her the feeling that her opinion is important to you.
* Studying her opinion carefully.
* Be willing to change an opinion for hers if it is better.
* Thanking her for helping him with her opinions. 7. Visiting Others
* Choosing well raised people to build relations with. There is a great
reward in visiting relatives and pious people. (Not in wasting time
while visiting!)
* Pay attention to ensure Islamic manners during visits.
* Not forcing her to visit whom she does not feel comfortable with.
8. Conduct During Travel * Offer a warm farewell and good advice.
* Ask her to pray for him.
* Ask pious relatives and friends to take care of the family in your
absence. * Give her enough money for what she might need.
* Try to stay in touch with her whether by phone, e-mail, letters, etc..
* Return as soon as possible. * Bring her a gift!
* Avoid returning at an unexpected time or at night.
* Take her with you if possible. 9. Financial Support
* The husband needs to be generous within his financial capabilities. He
should not be a miser with his money (nor wasteful).
* He gets rewards for all what he spends on her sustenance even for a
small piece of bread that he feeds her by his hand (hadeith).
* He is strongly encouraged to give to her before she asks him.
10. Smelling Good and Physical Beautification
* Following the Sunnah in removing hair from the groin and underarms.
* Always being clean and neat. * Put on perfume for her. 11. Intercourse
* It is obligatory to do it habitually if you have no excuse (sickness,
etc.) * Start with "Bismillah" and the authentic du'a.
* Enter into her in the proper place only (not the anus).
* Begin with foreplay including words of love.
* Continue until you have satisfied her desire.
* Relax and joke around afterwards.
* Avoid intercourse during the monthly period because it haram
* Do what you can to avoid damaging her level of Hiyaa (shyness and
modesty) such as taking your clothes together instead of asking her
to do it first while he is looking on.
* Avoid positions during intercourse that may harm her such as putting
pressure on her chest and blocking her breath, especially if you are
heavy. * Choose suitable times for intercourse and be considerate as
sometimes she maybe sick or exhausted. 12. Guarding Privacy
* Avoid disclosing private information such as bedroom secrets, her
personal problems and other private matters.
13. Aiding in the Obedience to Allah
* Wake her up in the last third of the night to pray "Qiam-ul-Layl"
(extra prayer done at night with long sujood and ruku'ua).
* Teach her what you know of the Qur'an and its tafseer.
* Teach her "Dhikr" (ways to remember Allah by the example of the
prophet) in the morning and evening.
* Encourage her to spend money for the sake of Allah such as in a charity
sale. * Take her to Hajj and Umrah when you can afford to do so.
14. Showing Respect for her Family and Friends
* Take her to visit her family and relatives, especially her parents.
* Invite them to visit her and welcome them.
* Give them presents on special occasions.
* Help them when needed with money, effort, etc..
* Keep good relations with her family after her death if she dies first.
Also in this case the husband is encouraged to follow the sunnah
and keep giving what she used to give in her life to her friends and
family. 15. (Islamic) Training & Admonition This includes
* The basics of Islam * Her duties and rights * Reading and writing
* Encouraging her to attend lessons and halaqahs
* Islamic rules (ahkam) related to women
* Buying Islamic books and tapes for the home library
16. Admirable Jealousy
* Ensure she is wearing proper hijab before leaving house.
* Restrict free mixing with non-mahram men.
* Avoiding excess jealousy. Examples of this are:
1- Analyzing every word and sentence she says and overloading
her speech by meanings that she did not mean
2- Preventing her from going out of the house when the reasons are
just. 3- Preventing her from answering the phone. 4- etc.
17. Patience and Mildness
* Problems are expected in every marriage so this is normal. What is
wrong is excessive responses and magnifying problems until a marital
breakdown.
* Anger should be shown when she exceeds the boundaries of Allah SWT, by
delaying prayers, backbiting, watching prohibited scenes on TV, etc..
* Forgive the mistakes she does to you (See item 18).
* How can you best correct her mistakes?
1- First, implicit and explicit advice several times.
2- Then by turning your back to her in bed (displaying your feelings).
Note that this does not include leaving the bedroom to another room,
leaving the house to another place, or not talking with her.
3- The last solution is lightly hitting (when allowable) her. In this
case, the hsuband should consider the following:
- He should know that sunnah is to avoid beating as the Prophet
PBUH never beat a woman or a servant.
- He should do it only in extreme cases of disobedience, e.g.
refusing intercourse without cause frequently, constantly not
praying on time, leaving the house for long periods of time
without permission nor refusing to tell him where she had been,
etc..
- It should not be done except after having turned from her bed and
discussing the matter with her as mentioned in Qur'an .
- He should not hit her hard injuring her, or hit her on her face or
on sensitive parts of her body.
- He should avoid shaming her such as by hitting her with a shoe,
etc. 18. Pardoning and Appropriate Censure
* Accounting her only for larger mistakes.
* Forgive mistakes done to him but account her for mistakes done in
Allah's rights, e.g. delaying prayers, etc..
* Remember all the good she does whenever she makes a mistake.
* Remember that all humans err so try to find excuses for her such as
maybe she is tired, sad, having her monthly cycle or that her
commitment to Islam is growing.
* Avoid attacking her for the bad cooking of the food as the Prophet PBUH
never blamed any of his wives for this. If he likes the food, he eats
and if he doesn't then he does not eat and does not comment.
* Before declaring her to be in error, try other indirect approaches that
are more subtle than direct accusations
* Escape from using insults and words that may hurt her feelings.
* When it becomes necessary to discuss a problem wait until you have
privacy from others.
* Waiting until the anger has subsided a bit can help to keep a control
on your words.
Finally, please make Du'a for the writer; Sheikh Mohammad Abdelhaleem Hamed,
for the translator brother Abu Talhah and for reviewer Br. Adam
Qurashi. Remember this is not a perfect translation so
forgive us our faults and correct our errors. Muslim Students' Association
University of Alberta Edmonton, Canada February, 1999 |
| j.m. | Friday, July 07, 2000 - 05:13 am
THE FOLLOWING IS FROM AN ACTUAL 1950'S HOME ECONOMICS TEXTBOOK INTENDED FOR HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS, TEACHING THEM HOW TO PREPARE FOR MARRIED LIFE: NOTICE THAT, IN THE 50'S, THE DIVORCE RATE WAS LOW:
1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been
thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arriv! es. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little happy and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gather up school books, toys, paper, etc.
Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands! and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DON'TS. Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.!
7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. The goal. Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
THE UPDATED VERSION FOR THE WOMAN OF 2000: NOTICE THAT THE DIVORCE RATE IS HIGH.
1. Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself. A quick stop at the Clinique counter on your way home will do wonders! for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card.)
3. Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the
Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous
marriage.
5. Minimize the noise. If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in bathroom with the door locked.
6! . Some DON'TS. Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.
7. Make him comfortable. Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
8. Listen to him. But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment, go with a friend or go shopping
(use his credit card.) Familiarize him with the phrase Girls' Night Out.
10.The Goal. Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it revolves around you.
1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, |
