     STUDBOY | Thursday, December 21, 2000 - 07:05 pm
CAN I BUY A VOWEL -- AND A LIFE?
I'm staring at the ceiling.
I have a Wheel Of Fortune audition in the morning, you see. Up until now, I had been interpreting this as approval from God. I've been a good person, I've paid my taxes, I've volunteered at the food bank, sent virtual flowers every morning to my all cyberwives and so I am going to receive a big cash reward from Heaven via DIXON Toronto.
And with this certainty before me I've shopped till I dropped in the mall of my mind, laden down with boxes, tied up with ribbons. I have staggered under the weight of the packages, dressed like male model in a Hugo Boss suit with matching shoes.
I've fallen asleep murmuring, "Big money, big money."
It's not that I'm a materialist, particularly. It's just that a few weeks ago one of my ex-lovers hit the jackpot 649 for $17 million, and I think about this a lot when I'm shopping. I was at the carpet store last week wondering who on earth would ever spend $36,000 on a Persian rug. Well, someone who has $17 million, that's who.
Anyway, I've had this dull ache for money in the pit of my stomach ever since. And this Wheel of Fortune audition was the big Rolaid that was dulling the pain.
But just now I was woken by the ghost of greed. And I've been thinking that the big cash jackpot of $25,000 really won't go very far. Sure I might take a great vacation and then buy some furniture from IKEA. But after the trip's over and someone spills spicey tea on the sofa, it's really just enough money to wreck my life. For the next 10 years every time I go to a restaurant with friends, I'll have to pick up the tab because everyone will know I'm rich. And soon I'll doubt that they really are my friends. If I win the car I'll be up at night freaked out about it getting lifted into some shipping crate and sent to Somalia, and what if I win a gigantic ceramic fish? What if I don't win anything? What's a person supposed to do with a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni?
I'll have to win at least $50,000, I tell myself, and nod off again.
Then a more sinister thought crosses my mind.
What if I'm not even picked to be on the show?
That could never happen. I'm televisible. I used to host my own show on Rogers Cable Community Channel.
I walk to the bathroom to reassure myself.
What is it about the bathroom light at one in the morning that is so brutal?
I look into the mirror and say hello to the ghost of self doubt.
The landscape of my half-sleeping face lies pitted, pudgy and pimpled, all gray under the light like a carcass on a morgue slab.
Aging doesn't start with wrinkles, younger readers might be surprised to hear. The pores widen until the skin is covered with a matrix of dots like land surveyor pegs, then some event occurs, and a wince of severe pain or profound joy causes all the dots to join.
Squeeze a zit and you'll see it's full of grease from junk food eaten watching junk TV. Watching Wheel Of Fortune, wolfing Wagon Wheels.
Is this a face that will be permitted on national television?
And how closely will they look at my face?
What about my flyaway hair?
Will there be a rectal probe?
"I will look better in the morning," I tell the evil mirror, and pad back to the bedroom.
But I can't sleep. I can't sleep. I can't sleep.
I get up, wander livingroom and turn on the television. My old nemesis. Would I be in this mental mess if I didn't watch TV? When did my personality disintegrate? I look at the ghostly electronic images wondering how to become one of them, how to get to the other side. I turn the channel to an Anthony Robbins infomercial. Personal Power. That's the key. I just have to feel good about myself. I am somebody, I am somebody I AM somebody! I say into the TV again and again.
But then who am I?
What will I say to CAASHA and CABDI?
"My name is STUDBOY, I'm from Toronto, Canada. I lost my virginity at 12 and there's no history of Dysfunctionalitie's in my family... What is interesting about me?... uh..."
"My name is STUDBOY, I have no shortage of cyberwives and I'd love the year's supply of macaroni! I just want to be on TV!"
I uh, realize the singular most interesting thing about me is that I am going to audition for Wheel of Fortune. I go to sleep only after abandoning all hope of winning. What happens in the morning? Well that's another story.
Tune in to next Real Life ..........
me and my computer... |
| gameshow veteran | Thursday, December 21, 2000 - 07:52 pm
I think I can calm your nerves a bit, you see I have been on The Price Is Right and I was this close to being on Wheel of Fortune.
You see at least you are assured some real prizes in Wheel of Fortune, in the Price is Right I was so confused with all the price tags and the cost of the petty little articles my mother buys in which we take for granted. I mean who knows how much a can of Spam costs, or an aluminum foil. I told Bob when he came to ask me about myself that prices referring to articles with any form of lard should be disqualified since I don't have any knowledge as to what they would cost. He thought I was cute in this insane request of mine, but I was being adamant. He asked where I was from and what I did for a living. Instead I chose to grab the microphone from him and wave frantically to the TV cameras and give my salutations in Somali (of course) to all my relatives scattered on this vast Earth. I thanked my parents immensely and all those who helped me along the way. I though it was a chance of a life time to do this so I took it. Meanwhile Bob was screaming "Young lady, young lady", of course that's what the crowd heard, I heard from his frail lips in which he whispered in a tone so faint "you little maggot if you don't stop this nonsense and give me my mic...I mean it you little bitch". You must have seen the shock and dismay, I looked at Bob and said in the best accent ever, "Why Bob, you no like me, I am not good enough to be heard, am I not human, do I not bleed when you prick me, why you rich man want to hurt me by calling me names so no one can hear. All I ever wanted to do was to meet you and to spin the wheel and perhaps strike it rich with the trigger on the $1". Of course he felt peevish after this and was discombobulated. But I was on TV that's all that mattered and Bob and no one else was going to take this vanquishing moment away from me. Oh the thrill the sheer glamour, although I was among a bunch of red necks in the audience. My episode was never aired though much to my surprise, I have written the show several times concerning this matter but I keep getting no replies.
I wish you luck with the Wheel of Fortune, bask in the glory that comes with the moment and be very pleasant with Pat, he is very kind you know. But that Vana White I heard she is shrewd, I even saw her once on the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. I have no doubt you will be chosen, make sure to please the damn host and stroke his ego. |
| STUDBOY | Friday, December 22, 2000 - 08:57 am
Dearest Veteran.
What do you call a black Robot? if your answer is Negroid! you got that right without discriminating it since there is none exist.
I am amused by your charismatic talent, I never knew such a talent ever existed here on this forums.
Please inspire me more.............
Studboy. |
| Anonymous | Friday, December 22, 2000 - 04:39 pm
I see some talent here |
| Anonymous | Friday, December 22, 2000 - 04:42 pm
I see some talent here |
| gameshow veteran | Saturday, December 23, 2000 - 09:01 am
Much obliged kind Sir, I don't know how else to amuse you. I was just wondering though have you ever seen the game show "Family Feud", well there was one particular episode that is exceptional with a Jamaican family as the participants. If you do recall this episode then no need for me to tell you, but if you haven't let me amuse you a little. |
| STUDBOY | Saturday, December 23, 2000 - 01:08 pm
Please do so, since I am not familiar with that show. may I also ask if you can hit me some more about your version of Who wants to be a millionaire.
Note:
I, Me and my computer will be next... |
| JusTCurious | Monday, January 01, 2001 - 11:23 am
I liked your lil' monologue studboy..when do we get to read the next episode? |
| STUDBOY | Monday, January 01, 2001 - 05:28 pm
Curious next episode is on.....lol need more? then stay tuned |
| gameshow veteran | Monday, January 01, 2001 - 10:00 pm
Well since my last post I am sorry to say that there was a delay in my promise to "amuse" you with the famous tale from the game show family feud. It was my only time to spare with my family you see and since school was out, although I'll be back to the dreadful institution soon, honestly folks UofT is not for the "great minds of the future", it is for the young and restless really, by the time you leave you feel physically drained, for they suck the life out from the youthful soul. This is so cathartic, or may I say therapeutic. Folks try it, start babbling and you'll hit a pressure point and soon will be face to face with the inner you, and they say I don't have a knack for these things 
Well back to the story at hand, I mean my initial proposal to relay the famous scene from the family feud. I have to be weary of this, I have to admit that I am not the main source of information here, it was sort of from a friend of friend that I heard it from, but nonetheless this particular incident did occur. I was very young than but so were my sources but as all kids who grow up with the tube as their nanny, we never forget an episode of our favourite shows. Well this was in the early 90s I believe and the family feud show was doing relatively well on the ratings.
I have to give you a proper background on the show first though, the host if it will trigger any flashbacks was named "Ray", I think. The show is fostered so that two families will be battling for money in front of a studio audience. Answers to questions are taken from the audience and these questions are asked of these families and of course with a timer and a buzzer at place these folks have to come up with the most popular studio answers. So as our tale begins we had this Jamaican family which consisted of a father, and the rest of his kin (about 4 you see), and on the other side well there was another family (since I am not the actual source of this story, I don't recall the nationality of the other family, I'm guessing they were white though). Well the Jamaican family was beating the white family with their points and so they made it on to the next round in the show, where in this sequence of the show two members are selected from the family and they have to again come up with the popular studio answers to a certain question, and the second family member is at the disadvantage of coming up with answers that are unique to whatever the former family member said. Well with our particular Jamaican family the sister went first and was asked several nonsensical questions in which she answered. Yet when it came to the father's turn when he was asked "name a fruit that starts with the letter A", needless to say at this point the family members were all screaming "Apple", but this man was most distinguishing you see he says "No Ray, me have to go on me own, I say aorange”. Dare I say they lost miserably and even poor Ray could not contain himself at this point. After relaying this to you, I realize it's one of those jokes you have to hear you know ? The essence of the tale is lost in the writing, it's from the expressions and the daunting accent that makes it so laughable. |
| STUDBOY | Friday, January 05, 2001 - 04:51 am
Thanks for the amusing tale, I can picture the scenario.
As for me I am your typical kindergarten dropout, and those University Institution are the bottom of my wish list.lol
By the way are you at ST,George? Inns,St Mchl.trnty,.....curiousity sake...lol
Disregard if you are Erindale or Scarborough Cmps.
PS
Check (ME, WOMEN AND MY COMPUTER by myself) |
| QUEEN-OF-FUNK-DRAMA | Wednesday, January 10, 2001 - 10:08 am
studboy are you what? freak? or baboon? you got covered all the net for your little tale-o-tales when you gonna drop on chatline? you better stick on the chatroom! we miss you there
your cyberwivesssssssssssssssslol |
