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     | Monday, July 31, 2000 - 11:37 pm The Somali children were a lot of fun too. they liked to try out their English. Once when I was sitting in my vehicle by the New Port a boy stuck his head in the window, flashed an enormous, winning smile and said "I will kill you." .....she was ugly too. This was an exception though. Somali woman are mainly beautiful. Tall and fine featured and slim even in fatter times than these. There's an Iman doppelganger carrying every jug of milk. The men, perhaps because I am one, are another matter. They're clever faced and jumpy and given to mirthless grins decorected with dribble from the endless chewing of Khat Leaves. ........ We went to Baidoa, the infamous city of death. Here children were dying like......dying like flies is not a simile you use in Somalia. The flies wax propsperous and lead full lives. The children were dying like children. Down by one of the local mosques a man was handing out flyers showing a servile Somali laying out a carpet for two men riding on a horse wearing the star of David. Two men mounted tandem on a horse was the sign of the Knights of the Templars, an ancient christian religious order from the crusades. Sense may be short in these parts, but memories are long. With apologies to P.J. O'Rourke
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| | Wednesday, August 02, 2000 - 11:15 am son i do notlaugh 4 u, i laugh at ya!
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| | Wednesday, August 02, 2000 - 10:55 pm Ubax At least you're laughing.
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| | Tuesday, August 08, 2000 - 02:01 am That's all the commentary I can drag out of you guys? What ever happened to someone howling "I will kill you!!!" and "GARAC, GARAC, GARAC!"???? You know, I just can't get a rise out of you folks anymore. So let's try another one. Q. What do you call a Haber Gedir driving a land rover? A. A thief. Q. Qhat do you call 10 SNA mooryan being fed to the sharks in Mogadischu harbor? A. A Good Start. Q. What do Abgal think of as modern transporation? A. A Donkey cart. there, this ought to get someone going.
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| | Tuesday, August 08, 2000 - 09:28 am Hey Mad Mac Seems to me that you love the insults. Well sorry to disappoint you sweet love. All I got to say is if you're a qabilayste pick another hobby. Sweetgirl
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| | Tuesday, August 08, 2000 - 09:52 am MAD BITCH THIS IS FROM SOMALIKKK I THOUGHT U'VE LEARNED UR LESSON BUT APPARENTLY U DIDN'T...TOO CHICKEN TO FACE MEN FACE TO FACE+WOMAN ENOUGH TO POST UR LITTLE STUPID UNFUNNY JOKE'S,,,,,,,THEY'RE NOT FUNNY ,,,,,,,DUMP ASS,JACK ASS,,,,,,,ABOVE ALL RETARDED MIND,,,,,,I WONDER IF U'VE ANY OTHER SIDE JOB BESIDE POSTING SILLY JOKES,,,,I'M I SUPPOSE TO LAUGH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH,FUNNY MOTHER FUCKER.
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| | Tuesday, August 08, 2000 - 11:01 pm Ahhhh, I see with Somalikkk that I've struck a nerve. Must be an SNA sympathizer. Admit it, wihtout people like me to hate you'd be bored. Isn't it more fun to hate a gaal than a Muslim brother who just happens to be born to a different clan family? Alas I'm completely willing to face you - mano-a-mano. You know that Sahib.
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| | Tuesday, August 08, 2000 - 11:37 pm yo mad man, your jokes might be funny in a sense but there are not politically correct dummy....is like you saying racist slurs (intended for laughter) in America....got it gaalyahow!!!!!! come with other ones and some of us with sense of humor might laugh and still insult you anyway
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| | Tuesday, August 08, 2000 - 11:50 pm Analyzer But Abowe that's the whole point. Not politically correct. That's the fun of it. But OK, I'll give you a good little Johnny Joke. Little Johnny comes home from school and he goes to his parents room. Dad is sitting on the bad and just slipping a condom over his manliness in preparation for sex with mom when Johnny walks in. Dad, not wanting Johnny to see, bends down quickly as if looking under the bed. Johnny asks "What ya doin' dad?" His dad says "I thought I saw a rat go under the bed." Johnny says "So what ya gonna do, •••• him?"
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| | Wednesday, August 09, 2000 - 01:59 pm Mad Mac you're sick, and a pathetic loser, I didn't know you were white and a kaffir at the same time, no wonder you stick up for father michaels everytime he comes to discuss that christianity crab. All I've got to say to you is LACNATULLAHI CALEYK.
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| | Wednesday, August 09, 2000 - 11:04 pm Sweetgirl Ahhhhhh, could you translate that? I don't know what it means but I'll assume it's bad. OK, next little Johnny joke: Johnny is sitting in class and the teach says "can anyone here give me a word that starts with the letter A?" Johnnys hand goes up, but the teacher thinks Johnny will say something like •••••••, so she picks another student. Then she asks "Can anyone here give me a word that starts with the letter B?" Johnnys hand shoots up and he's saying "ooh, ooh" but the teacher thinks, he'll say something like Bitch, so she picks another student. This goes on until they get to the letter R. The teacher can't think of anything really bad that starts with the letter R so she picks Johnny. Johnny stands up beaming and says "Rat. A big, fucking rat."
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| | Thursday, August 10, 2000 - 06:24 am No I will not translate it metallica breath. This is a somali website and if you can't read somali then go to the skinheads' websites you're not welcomed here. Any ways you're jokes suck, with a big S. And here is a little something for you and yes it's bad. DUF KU BAX ILLAHAYAAN KU BARYAYE.
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| | Thursday, August 10, 2000 - 06:33 am madneck, i loved both of them though the "big fuckin' rat" always cracks me up no matter how many times i hear...
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| | Thursday, August 10, 2000 - 07:03 am LACNATULLAHI CALEYK sweetgirl are you Abgaal? LACNATULLAHI CALEYK, DUF KU BAX - TO YOU TOO,
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| | Thursday, August 10, 2000 - 08:03 am No I am not abgaal, nor do I know any one who is abgaal. I am darood(both ways) if you must know. Care to apologize?
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| | Thursday, August 10, 2000 - 08:45 pm MADMAC--I have a hard time figuring you out..you seem to know more about somalia than some of us do, but then you walk into our websites and inuslt us like that???..not to mention you pick and sort through us as if we were just junk mail. I really need to know madmac..i've seen your postings in other discussions..and i have one big q for you::;WHAT'S IN IT FOR YOU??...you've been insulted sensless..and you have insulted us in that caniving,sarcastic,sympathetic american way. So tell me madmac..why??????..I don't know if you've noticed but you ppl got kicked out of somalia, the war between your ppl and ours is over...and don't tell me that all you americans were doing there was pass out food to the needy, cause i'm from a little town named HURIWAA and when i went back there in 96 (i wasn't there when the war started..) the place was littered with tanks, american tanks..and frankly i don't know what you need tanks for to feed the hungry. And speaking of the hungary, you ppl went and dug in to the ghettos of somalia and took pictures of the "starving somali ppl"..and since i didn't grow up in somalia but rather in the U.S.A, i was terrified when my mom decided that our whole family was gonna go back to somalia and live there for awhile, i was expecting walking skeletons, i was expecting that i would probably always remember hollow dark eyes and stomach's kissing spinal cords.......but you know what madmac????..2 yrs later and you know what i remember?????..i remember seeing the stars our first night there, i remember freshly squeezed grapefruit juice, i remember the beautiful sweet smell of the air just before it rains, i remember taking off my "dacas" at night and running with cool sweet sand soothing my feet, i remember the stillness and quietness of the air when every1 took their midday nap..and you know what i remember most madmac????..i remember the flowers that my mother planted in our yard, i remember the bees swarming around it at dawn, i remember my brother plucking them when my mother wasn't looking so that he can suck the sweet juice of it. Yeah your right madmac, we do have a sensless war raging and you think i'm choosing to blind myself to it...but i'm not, cause there were signs around me, and there was the sudden fear my mother had sometimes that me or my sister would get raped by •••••••• high on qad...but i don't choose to blot out those kind of things, they are just outnumbered by somalia's blessings...yeah i remember how i sat at a back of a bus once, staring out the hole of a window, i remember how a "tekniko" full of •••••••• parked along side the bus..and how the •••••••• in the front seat of that monster had gently guided the guy that was sitting behind him's gun until it was pointing at my temple, i remember ever1 in the bus freezing, i remember my sister panicking....and then i remember the guy laughing when i didn't go hysterical on him and how he just winked when i finally looked up at him....but i don't remember having nightmares afterwards...it was just another day, if you live , you live , if you die , you die....just enjoy life inbetween............ ......................i remeber how the school we attended was on the border line between "Cusmaan Caato's territory and "caydiid's"..and how one day they were just firing away at each other..and our whole class froze and were too afraid to leave the building and go home...and i remember the WEEEEEEEEEEEEE WHAAAAAAAAAAACKKKKKKK, of a bullet as it hit a tree right outside our classroom window..but i don't dwell on that madmac..because just then a boy in our class sneaked out when we weren't looking, found the bullet that hit the tree and threw it inside through a window..and i remember how we all had our hearts in our mouths when the bullet bounced off a table and made that WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKKKKKKKKKK noise ...and we all laughed so hard afterwards , that we forgot about what's going on outside and had the nerve to go home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 My point in all this madmac..is that we are not a joke, some of us have relatives who might have died in the war and don't give a rat's ass what johnny did or didn't do...in the end MAD MAC this is not an American Legion Bar where you can recount your war stories, and laugh about it...the situation is not funny to us, nor do we care to be insulted by ppl who make everbody else's bussiness there bussiness..so madmac EXCUSE US IF WE DON'T APPRECIATE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR! PROUD-SOMALI-SISTER
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| | Thursday, August 10, 2000 - 10:22 pm Proud Somali Sister You make me home sick. Great desriptions. God I love that country. Now, what's the harm in a little humor. If you don't like the little Johnny jokes don't read 'em. You see the title with my name in it, blow it off. Don't open it. No one's making you. Some people like the humor. Those that don't don't need to read it. I'm certainly not insulting red necks. I posted something that made fun of the Army about snakes. It was funny. It was all over the internet from one Army guy to the other. This is humor. It's not meant to be insulting and those who take it that way are mis-interpreting it. I love the Somali people and the country. So if you find it insulting please accept my apologies. That doesn't mean I'll stop writing it - it just means that I don't mean to offend you abai. If it offends I urge you to stop reading. Sweetgirl I love you too little sister. Analyzer, glad you liked it. I'll post another next week on this page. I've got a few of them. Little Johnny just kills me.
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| | Thursday, August 10, 2000 - 10:24 pm Proud Somali Sister You make me home sick. Great desriptions. God I love that country. Now, what's the harm in a little humor. If you don't like the little Johnny jokes don't read 'em. You see the title with my name in it, blow it off. Don't open it. No one's making you. Some people like the humor. Those that don't don't need to read it. I'm certainly not trying to insult. I posted something that made fun of the Army about snakes. It was funny. It was all over the internet from one Army guy to the other. This is humor. It's not meant to be insulting and those who take it that way are mis-interpreting it. I love the Somali people and the country. So if you find it insulting please accept my apologies. That doesn't mean I'll stop writing it - it just means that I don't mean to offend you abai. If it offends I urge you to stop reading. Sweetgirl I love you too little sister. Analyzer, glad you liked it. I'll post another next week on this page. I've got a few of them. Little Johnny just kills me.
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| | Thursday, August 10, 2000 - 11:48 pm mad-head, when are you going to visit somalia? in the afterlife as a ghost to be haunted, and insulted by pissed off somali ghosts...
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| | Friday, August 11, 2000 - 12:52 am Analyzer Well, if a government stands up and the place becomes normal in the next couple of years then I'll visit for vacation. If not (the case I think is more likely) then armed to the teeth with some of my friends I'll go in June of 2004. Oh yeah, proud sister, the destroyed tanks you saw were M-46s from the old Somali Natinoal Army. They were American manufacture but had been given to Somalia after the war with Ethiopia. They were not part of Operation Restore Hope - in fact many were destroyed by my unit - the QRF. There are also some soviet manufactured T-55s which we destroyed, you might have seen some of them. Down by the port is a very old WW II era tank - a stewart light tank. And there are also some old Walker Bulldogs kicking around but they aren't operational either. Just thought you might be curious. The Americans did not have any tanks there until after the fighting was over. The marines had some LAVs but none of these were destroyed - all were returned to the states. The Pakistanis did lose an American manufactured M-48 on 21 October Road on 9 September 1993. That hulk is still probably sitting up there. All the American M1s and Bradleys were returned to the states.
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| | Friday, August 11, 2000 - 09:16 am mad mac..oh yeah, american manufactured huh???lol...you didn't have any tanks there???..lol..yeah, all you had were the all famous "black hawks", that was the name for them right???..honey, american manufactured is as good as you guys coming in with them to me. Mad mac..you are determined, i'll give you that, it's just hard for me to understand how you can get so attached to our country..let me ask you something, how old are you????maybe that will help me understand a little. proud-somali-sister p.s..........i'm going back to somalia as soon as i graduate in 2002, peace or not...and by the way it's "abaayo" not "abai"
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| | Friday, August 11, 2000 - 09:34 am Sweetgirl Apologize for what woman?
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| | Friday, August 11, 2000 - 12:06 pm Apologize for being you, you insensitive jerk.
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| | Friday, August 11, 2000 - 11:50 pm Mad Mac, Me looooove Little Johnny Jokes......Hilarious man.... Check this out! Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him,resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it? "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance. "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth,"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued,pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed: "What about balance, God. You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them." Got the joke?? Peace n <3 all
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| | Saturday, August 12, 2000 - 02:28 am HAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAH,,,,HUH,,,,,,HU,,,,,,,,FUNNY MOTHER SUCKER.
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| | Saturday, August 12, 2000 - 05:57 am SHEEEEEEEEE....LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, THAT WAS REALLY FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!, GOOD ONE GIRL!!!!, HIGH FIVES FOR YOU!!! proud-somali-sister
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| | Saturday, August 12, 2000 - 02:15 pm What a disgust!. So this is what it means to be gaal?.
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| | Saturday, August 12, 2000 - 06:38 pm Bootaan = Coolman
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| | Saturday, August 12, 2000 - 07:24 pm There is nothing i love more than a stupid shitty ass cadan gaal telling me tasteless joke's
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| | Saturday, August 12, 2000 - 11:45 pm . . . . . . . . CADAAN = WHITE
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| | Sunday, August 13, 2000 - 06:35 am She Great Joke. Note to the rest ofyou (analyzer excluded). See how I thought it was funny. I didn't call her names or anything.
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| | Sunday, August 13, 2000 - 06:37 am Proud Somali Sister I'm a very old and tired 38.
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| | Sunday, August 13, 2000 - 07:11 am Mad Mac, You are an interesting guy. I love the way you ignore the idiots who insult you, when they realise that they can't argue or express themselves as articulately as yourself. Keep up the good work.
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| | Sunday, August 13, 2000 - 11:39 am THROUGH this toilsome world, alas! Once and only once I pass; If a kindness I may show, If a good deed I may do To a suffering fellow man, Let me do it while I can. No delay, for it is plain I shall not pass this way again. Okey, to the morons who inhabit this sewage, I tell you once and for all that Allah doesn't get missing, Neither does he apply profanity to his beloved creatures, Nor can we humans in our own ignorance say whatever we want about him. No matter how much you disbelieve in him you can still respect him and not joke about him. And if you care the sewage is all for you. Enjoy the stench and call it civilization. See who cares. I did my part.
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| | Sunday, August 13, 2000 - 11:48 am I have to hand it to she..that was hilarious...........bootaan,join the club!!! yasine-"idiots"???, that would be us right???, we as somalis can take "kaftan" and it's in our culture to make biting remarks to every1, even to those we love...and they still know we don't mean anything by it, but when someone repetetively makes biting "kaftan" remarks to the same audience..they eventually tire of it and try to show disinterest..but when the person sticks to them like a tick no matter how hard they try to get rid of them..it can get down right annoying..we say "waayeel tag lama dhehee, siduu ku tagaa la tusaa"..well we've shown mad mac all the signs. pointed out the door, hell even tried to insult him out the door , but the guy clings to anything in site and no he's clinging to the carpet..so hmmmmmmmmmmm...should we take him out WITH the carpet??????????...naaaah, he'kk probabaly find something else to stick his finger nails into. Anyway yasine..i don't know why i wrote that whole thing to you..so don't ask me, maybe it was to keep from stooping to your level and calling you names.one us has to be the adult. -the idiot-inarticulate-but-still-proud-somali-sister
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| | Sunday, August 13, 2000 - 02:06 pm Proud -Somali-sister I think we ought to buy another carpet a new one since mad cow pissed on this one.....To hell with u and the carpet mad cow u can keep it and pee on it all u want and forever hold ur peace.
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| | Sunday, August 13, 2000 - 10:14 pm Proud Sister Well Abai, you ought to get yourself some Kufaar repellent. You too Somalikkk. I love you guys anyway. Now for the next joke. Johnny skips school and a sales man shows up ringing the doorbell. Johnny asnwers the door with a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other. The sales man leans down and says "Hi little boy. Is your mommy home?" Johnny flicks an ash on the carpet, looks disdainfully at the sales man and says "What the •••• do you think?"
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| | Monday, August 14, 2000 - 01:04 am Proud Somali sister, thank you for being articulate, and non insultive, you made your point very clearly with out any abuse. I wasn,t calling you guys on this page idiots, but it just that some of the abuse i've seen not just to Mad mac but to fellow Somalis is astonishing. We wouldnot talk like that to each other in the street so there's no excuse for behaviour like that on the internet. It is much more satisfying to win an argument intellectually than by abuse abnd name calling. Leave that to the mindless racists morons that we've all seen, whether they are redneck Americans or in bred country people of the UK. Salaams sister
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| | Monday, August 14, 2000 - 12:29 pm Yasine, that's much better..see..i already like you now, i have to agree with you on there being alot of verbal abuse going on here, lord knows i've indured it myself when i started the discussion on interracial relationships. proud-sister p.s..i'm glad we part understanding each other
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| | Monday, August 14, 2000 - 02:00 pm Proud-sister, I've just been reading some of your previous postings. You are a very intelligent lady, if you don't mind me saying. Your reply to Xoogsade was excellent on the "Somali Welfare " topic. Where are you studying medicine to? USA , Canada or UK? Let me know on the address: prsaya@hotmail.com
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| | Monday, August 14, 2000 - 05:53 pm Yasine, I go to a university in Minnesota and i plan to take the MCAT next summer..right now I'm just trying to figure out which medical schools in the U.S..A I want to apply to, I hope that answered your question yasin. As for my reply to xoogsade, I think I just wasted my time with him..he was hopeless. somalisister
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| | Monday, August 14, 2000 - 06:35 pm With women the heart argues, not the mind Matthew Arnold
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| | Monday, August 14, 2000 - 10:26 pm Holy Cow, Xoogsade is now quoting a gaal!!!! Now I've seen everything.
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| | Monday, August 14, 2000 - 10:55 pm Holy camel mad mac is telling jokes.
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| | Tuesday, August 15, 2000 - 12:02 pm xoogsade--I know that comment was meant to provoke me but I pass on this, frankly I don't think you're worth the attention. somalisister
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| | Tuesday, August 15, 2000 - 12:11 pm somalisister I can't possibly thank you enough..!!!!!!
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| | Tuesday, August 15, 2000 - 06:23 pm Don't hate me despise me--thank me for what??..have we met before?
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| | Wednesday, August 16, 2000 - 11:01 pm Somalisister Did you call me honey?? Whoa cool. So little Johnny comes home from school and tells his dad he got an F on his math quiz. Dad says "How in hell did you get an F?" Well, the teacher asked me what was 2 x 3 and I said 6." "That's right, how did you get an F for that?" "Well, then she wanted to know what was 3 x 2." "What the ••••'s the difference" Johnnys father says. "That's what I said."
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| | Thursday, August 17, 2000 - 01:04 am This is for the Gaalo. Enjoy. Cookies for everybody A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it. his grandson says, "Grandpa, can I try some of your cigarette?" "Can you touch your a*shole with your penis?" Grandpa asks. "No," says the little boy. "Then you're not big enough." A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer out of his cooler and open it. the little boys says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer? "Can you touch your a*shole with your penis?" Grandpa asks. "No," says the little boy. "Then you're not old enough." Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one. The grandfather look at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?" "Can you touch your a*shole with your penis?" asks the little boy. "I most certainly can!" says Grandpa. "Good, then go f*ck yourself," says the boy, "these are my cookies!".
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| | Thursday, August 17, 2000 - 02:04 am MAD MILLITARY BOY..... So U finally got them to argue with ya.....Nice one......waxaad ka hesho wax ha iga siin saxiib Capishe. I don't agree with your jokes coz tribalism is what Somalia is trying to 4get not exagerate. Anyways Q- How do ya get 10 Indians in a phone box???/ A- Tell them Patel is on the line.... If I went to the indian forumss & said that I would be getting threats like U R receiving now U C..... PEACE TROUBLE
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| | Thursday, August 17, 2000 - 04:49 am T-Girl I've missed you. Where have you been? Glad you finally came back on the line. C'mon, this is somalinet right? Obviously my jokes are going to be about Somalis. It's just humor. And forgive my ignorance but what is Patel? Also concerning Waxaad ka....... you know I don't capishe. I don't speak Somali. All I got out of that was Saxib. Lastly, it wouldn't matter what I said I would get threats. I mean you guys threaten eahc other all the time. And you know the saying, catch the gaal kill the gaal. Well, needless to say I'm bound to get a reaction here.
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| | Thursday, August 17, 2000 - 06:55 am Mad Askari A Teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living. Little Mary says: "My Dad is a cop. he puts the bad guys in jail." Little jack says: "My Dad is doctor. He makes all the sick people better." All the kids in the class had their turn except little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?" Johnny says: My Dad is dead." I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?" "He turned blue and •••• on the carpet."
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| | Thursday, August 17, 2000 - 07:10 am Mad Askari A Teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living. Little Mary says: "My Dad is a cop. he puts the bad guys in jail." Little jack says: "My Dad is doctor. He makes all the sick people better." All the kids in the class had their turn except little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?" Johnny says: My Dad is dead." I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?" "He turned blue and •••• on the carpet."
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| | Thursday, August 17, 2000 - 11:26 pm Booty Excellent!!!!!
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| | Friday, August 18, 2000 - 02:01 pm Mad Mac. You have to realise that there is a thin line between humour and insults,. You have that American Hamburger Mentality so typical,,,I have never been a big fan of White humour, you guys tell jokes the same way you dance ! !. .. You see, in Somalia at least you can always tell who the crazy ones are. its easy to know those who are up to no good. They dont hide their hatred or their motives. But in good old U.S.A you cant tell who the psychopaths are. You never know where that bullet is going to come from. At any given point, one of this so called god fearing Americans can take you out in a flash, it could be your co-worker, your fellow student, your teacher or even the cab driver. The list is endless. In every white man I see a potential psycho. And God forbid if you are caught driving while black,,,, any of this trigger happy Cops will be happy to execute you. They call it the land of the free, a place where some Kids go to school wearing bullet proof vests. A society so messed up that Prozac is listed as a staple food.
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| | Sunday, August 20, 2000 - 11:26 pm Papa Well, the next time I'm black I'll avoid driving. Of course, since I don't live in the States and don't plan to, I guess it's not really an issue after all. As for the social commentary on the US, could all be correct for all I know. I haven't spent enough time there to make an assessment. Furthermore, I couldn't care less. I left the States when I was 22 and seldom go back. As for my brand of humor - if you find it caustic I recommend you don't read it. But I would be very happy if you read my commentary on the Trouble With Africa. Where the hell you been anyway? You had some good, albeit somewhat biased, observations in there.
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| | Tuesday, August 22, 2000 - 05:17 am Oh yeah, Papa I got to ask, are you a fan of anything white? I mean, you don't like our dancing, you don't like our humor, I can tell you don't like our food. I won't even ask about woman or religion. As for politics I already know what you think. Is there anythnig about white people that you don't regard with disdain? Just curious here. Also, are you Somali? Next Joke: So little Johnny comes home and goes up to his parents room. Dad is putting on a condom getting ready for sex with his wife. Johnny just walks into the room and dad bends over as if looking under the bed because he doesn't want Johnny to see. Johnny says "what ya doin' dad?" His father replies "I thought I saw a rat go under the bed." Johnny says "So what are ya gonna do, •••• him?"
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| | Thursday, August 24, 2000 - 10:00 pm MAD: no charge for this one. A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he recieved this report: Most honorable sir: You leave house. Man come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree, look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see. NO FEE.
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| | Sunday, August 27, 2000 - 04:54 am Ceelgaab It was a little weak. Little Johnny is better. Got any Qabil jokes?
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| | Monday, August 28, 2000 - 11:17 pm Dear MAC: I could not sleep since that day you said my joke was WEAK !!!!! So how about this one for a Little Johnny? ----------------------------------------- Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious, he had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys and wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except, he's not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse, and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow.....it jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long. Honest. Anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she got really scared...her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the one down at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting it's head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Sis then grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis then layed back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on its head, he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because it just hung there, limp and some of its insides was hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired form the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats....they have nine lives or something. This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 36 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because i saw sis boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet" By this time, Johnny's mother had passed out cold on the floor.
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| | Tuesday, August 29, 2000 - 01:19 am I'm impressed. If it's a Somali mom she's not passed out though, she's looking for a knife in the kitchen.
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| | Tuesday, August 29, 2000 - 03:03 pm MAD: HA HA HA ... "If a Somali MOM... she's looking for a knife in the kitchen" Thats funny MAC .... What if that Somali MOM was "Jalaf" as well? Might she be reaching for her "baroon" or take the whole house out and flatten it with her artillery?
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| | Tuesday, August 29, 2000 - 09:46 pm Ceelgaab If she were Jalaf she has already identified the perpertrators house, planted a car bomb out front, blown the place up and killed him and his family. And if he's gaal, well, we don't even want to talk about that.
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| | Wednesday, August 30, 2000 - 12:39 am mac. Jalafs must have impressed you with their shooting skills not to mention the boot that is left in your ass when you were kicked out of Mog. Do you still walk kinda of funny or you healed? 
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| | Wednesday, August 30, 2000 - 03:57 am I was hardly impressed with their shooting skills. Bullets were flying everywhere but seldom hitting the target. I mean, you guys outnumbered us a thousand to one and you still coudn't finish the job. As for the boot in the ass - you have a poor memory. Somalis wear Sandals - huh huh, huh huh. We didn't get kicked out, our pathetic leaders quite. No stomach for a fight you see.
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| | Wednesday, September 06, 2000 - 02:38 am What do people in China call their good plates? *** Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
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| | Wednesday, September 06, 2000 - 02:39 am I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers. One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."
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| | Wednesday, September 06, 2000 - 02:40 am The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in a flood of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks. "Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again "I found that the cat had eaten it!" "Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We can always get you a new cat."
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| | Wednesday, September 06, 2000 - 02:45 am A pastor decided to visit his church members one Saturday. At one house it was clear to the pastor that someone was home, but nobody came to the door. The pastor knocked several times and finally took out his card and wrote on the back: Revelation 3:20 - "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and dine with him and he with me." The next day the card showed up in the collection plate. Below the pastor's message was another scripture passage. Genesis 3:10. Right after the sermon the pastor looked it up and read this passage - "I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked and I hid myself."
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| | Wednesday, September 06, 2000 - 03:36 am Laascanoodi Too funny sahib.
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| | Wednesday, September 06, 2000 - 08:23 am for mad-mac & Greetings Fellow Bizarros: A couple of issues ago I reprinted correspondence between myself and a blind psychic requesting advertising information. Below, the psychic's husband took issue with my handling of the request. He has called me a "clown" and suggested that "moronic wisdom" animates my actions. Funny, he sounds like he knows me quite well. I have reprinted his note (almost in its entirety) and will respond in this public forums. [Note from irate blind psychic's husband...] My wife sent a serious request to you people asking about advertising on your service and Lewis in his moronic wisdom chose to make fun of this request publicly in today's version of his column. I fail to understand how this could be done. She is a blind psychic who needs to advertise her business and thought your medium would have been a good tool. If you people don't want anyone advertising with your publications then just say so, if not then the least you could have done was to notify her privately and respectfully, not allow some fool on your staff to make her feel like an idiot. She's very hurt by this and embarrassed by this, this was not a crank or a joke...we retained copies of both requests and will forward these and today's column to her lawyer (who is a civil rights expert) and the American Federation for the Blind to see if they found this as entertaining as Lewis apparently did. I want to hear from someone in your organization who has some responsibility other than some clown who's trying to entertain everyone. My e-mail address is [confidential]. If I get no response than I will continue my efforts to address to anyone who listens including your current advertisers and other cyber-type businesses. [Name withheld for publication] Lascanoodis' response Anyone who really knows me will tell you that I am not mean spirited. I certainly meant no offense. I have treated people with vaginal piercings, those claiming to be "abducted" by aliens, hookers, and various other people with unusual pastimes and I try to treat all with dignity. I really thought a joke was being played on us since I never heard of a blind psychic doing readings. Having said this, psychics piss me off in general. Bizarrely, Laascaanoodi
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| | Thursday, September 07, 2000 - 06:45 am share the joy Q. Did you hear about the blonde man who had 8 vasectomies? A. He had to -- his wife kept getting pregnant!
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| | Thursday, September 07, 2000 - 06:57 am Q. How do you castrate a redneck? A. You kick his sister in the jaw! ************************************************ Bartender: "What'll you have?" Consumer: "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars. The imbiber says, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this." A lawyer, sifting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then offers, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration. The bartender was not impressed, but says to the smiling drinker, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again. The next day, the winner walks into the bar. The bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" "I bet," says the bartender. "You must have a double then." "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
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| | Thursday, September 07, 2000 - 07:07 am A driver, parked in an illegal zone, tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." When he came back, he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." ************************************************* *------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------* A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods. "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!" The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back. "Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?" "I did," admitted the youngster. "You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you disobey?" "Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."
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| | Thursday, September 07, 2000 - 07:43 am Laacanoodi lol>>>>thats so entertaining.Can i ask where you get these jokes?I mean a recomendation site?Some of the jokes were funny but some i could not get them.Maybe its a comprehesion thing.lol.Bye!
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| | Thursday, September 07, 2000 - 08:14 am Basra I am here in Syracuse alumni library and we have page call LAFF IT UP! unfortunately its only for students.
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| | Thursday, September 07, 2000 - 08:52 am Laascaanoodi Ok that was abig help!..lol...Anyway thanx
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| | Thursday, September 07, 2000 - 10:24 am BASRA WEIRD AMERICAN LAWS Extracts from a listing of laws in the United States of America, from the June 1996 issue of Spy magazine. Alabama It is illegal to play Dominos on Sunday. It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death. Connecticut In Hartford, it is illegal to educate a dog. It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades. In New Britain, the speed limit for fire trucks is 25 m.p.h., even when going to a fire. In Hartford, it is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday. Georgia In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross a road. It is illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless the shades are down. Idaho In Pocatello, "It is prohibited for pedestrians and motorists to display frowns, grimaces, scowls, threatening and glowering looks, gloomy and depressed facial appearances, generally all of which reflect unfavorably upon the city's reputation." Illinois In Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the opera. According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is "American." Kentucky An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club." The following important amendment however is to be considered here: "The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to male horses." Massachusetts In Salem, even married couples are forbidden from sleeping in the nude in rented rooms. It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license. In Boston, it is illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so. Minnesota Women may face up to 30 days in jail if they impersonate Santa Claus. Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard. It's illegal to tease skunks. Missouri In Merryville, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." New Jersey It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer. In Trenton, it is illegal to throw a bad pickle in the street. New York In New York City, "It is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his nose, at the same time extending and wiggling the fingers of his hand." Tennessee In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists." Virginia In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee. In Norfolk, a man may face 60 days in jail for patting a woman's derriere. There is a state law prohibiting "corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than candidates." In Lebanon, it is illegal to kick your wife out of bed. In Norfolk, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a Civil Service job - for men only - called a corset inspector.) Washington Seattle residents may not carry concealed weapons longer than six feet.
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| | Thursday, September 07, 2000 - 10:38 am laff it up "But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret." -Ronald Reagan
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| | Thursday, September 07, 2000 - 10:48 am LAFF IT UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPGeorge W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am." George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert."
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| | Friday, September 08, 2000 - 09:50 am laaffffffff itttt up.................. HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston One hand on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California; with gun in lap: L.A. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate. Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male. Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is not wearing a barrel: Las Vegas Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.
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