     LAASCAANOODI | Wednesday, October 04, 2000 - 03:14 am
Greetings Fellow Bizarros:
Well, I promised the wife that I would stay away from the Sydney brothel scene, but I broke down after seeing an ad for an "Olympic Special." I did not partake in the carnal pleasures, but simply had to find out how the legal houses of ill repute were making out during this maddening time while visiting Sydney.
I was curious, as any good reporter would be, about their Olympic marketing push. One brothel had three specials: "Sprints," "Relays" and finally "Marathons." So with notepad in hand (it always helps to at least "look" like a reporter) I visited that brothel. If you were wondering, "Sprints" were for a quick thirty-minute romp with a lady of your choice; "Relays" sounded extremely interesting as a total of
four different women would service a patron one after the other. I was told that each "leg" of the relay focused on a different pleasure. Finally, the "Marathon" was for an ex-tended four hour stint with a single woman.
But the extent of my inquiries were not simply relegated to understanding the clever marketing approach. We have readers from all over the world. Half of you are women, and you will
be glad to know that the brothel also had a computer with photos of male studs from which ladies could choose. This was by appointment only, unlike the drop-in traffic off the street for men. I never did see any ladies patronizing the brothel though.
The woman who ran the place, "Violet", was matronly. She seemed more like a den mother than a lady pedaling sin. I interviewed her about which culture made the place the most money. She told me that hands down, Japanese men made the
most money for the house. The reason? It seems (according to "Violet" that most Japanese men finish quicker than other ethnic groups. This means that there is more customer turn-over per worker. "Violet" sounded like a CPA. In case you
were wondering what ethnic group had the least "turnover", the answer was Australia's own Aborigines. I never found out why.
I asked Violet how they were handling the extra business due to the huge influx of visitors. They had to import prosti-tutes from all over to accommodate the rush. They sent six prostitutes outside the country to recruit. They were given
bonuses for every recruit brought into the country. The thing that struck me about this was how business-like the whole enterprise was. You had the feeling that McDonalds or SONY
faced the same challenges as Violet.
For those of you watching the Olympics (from whatever country), I ask you; Has this up close and personal story been told to you? Remember, you read it first here! Now, on with the rest of the issue.
Bizarrely,
LASCANOODI |
| LAASCAANOODI | Wednesday, October 04, 2000 - 03:16 am
Greetings Fellow Bizarros:
I needed to take a break from this Olympic stuff. What follows is an unusual experience with an Aboriginal guide.
I met "Johnny" while eating at a little cafe called Clyde's.
He came up to me and introduced himself. I guess I looked like a tourist. After inviting him to join me for lunch (and put it on the old expense account) he proceeded to tell me about Aboriginal culture.
It seems that the early "settlers" in Australia were every bit as brutal as the original settlers in the colonies. The native people were slaughtered in similar fashion as native Americans were in the US. He then invited me on a trip to the Outback. Folks, a lot of my adventures center on finding more urban diversions. But I decided to take him up on it.
For $150 Australian, he would take me into the Outback for a night and "live like an Aborigine." Let me tell you this... BIG MISTAKE!
First thing, the Outback is a mixture of desert, rock and the moon. How anything lives in that environment is a mystery to a guy like me who can't get a tomato plant to grow with a bag of fertilizer. We got about 50 miles outside of Sydney and saw kangaroos all over the place. In the states, we think of them as "cute", but they are really nothing more than large rodents.
Johnny got out of the jeep and took a wooden boomerang from the back seat and winged it at a "Roo". At first I was inclined to laugh at his efforts but I was soon amazed when he actually got one in the head. He said we now had dinner lined up. Eating kangaroo cooked on an open fire made me puke my guts out. I got so sick we couldn't finish the Aboriginal cultural exchange outing. While I am at it, Australian food pretty much sucks in general. If it is possible, they make the English seem like gourmet cooks.
While I am on this food kick, have you ever tried Australia's gift to food culture; Vegemite? This actually looks good.
It is a spread that looks like peanut butter or chocolate.
You spread it on a scone. It tastes like...dare I say it... SHITTT! While I have never actually tasted crap, I have stepped in it enough times to at least recognize its characteristics.
I am getting homesick for the USA. I think seeing the watergo down the drain backwards is having some kind of metaphysical effect on me.
Bizarrely,
LAASCANODI |
| LAASCAANOODI | Wednesday, October 04, 2000 - 03:18 am
Greetings Fellow Bizarros:
ANOTHER CHILD DIES IN A TOO-HOT CAR
Police in Chicago say a 5-month-old baby has died after being accidentally left in the back seat of her family's parked car. The baby's father says he left the infant in the car, forgetting he had not dropped her off at a babysitter. The baby was in the vehicle all day. The death marks the second time in less than a month that a child has
died after being left in a parked car. In the earlier incident a 9-month-old died after being abandoned in a van in front of a day care center. The Chicago Tribune reports that the owner of the center says he didn't see the baby,strapped into a car seat, at the end of his delivery runs.
He says he parked the van, locked it and left.
Bizarrely,
LAASCAANOODI |
