     TIPS | Saturday, October 28, 2000 - 06:18 am
A 15-year study finds that even the smallest moments count in forging a successful partnership.
By Charles Poe
The secret to a successful marriage lies somewhere between the morning paper and a cup of coffee. That's the result of an ongoing 15-year study of the "masters and disasters" of marriage, conducted by a University of Washington psychology professor.
To John Gottman, PhD, that simple scenario conceals a pattern upon which all good relationships are built.
It goes like this: A man is reading the paper. His wife is sipping a cup of coffee. The husband, interested in a particular article, utters a barely audible "hmmm."
How the wife responds is a key indicator of whether their marriage will be a long-term success, according to Gottman's research. What's happening is a pivotal process Gottman terms "the bid and the turning."
The "bid" is a bid for affection, which we all seek—consciously or unconsciously—from our partners every day. Of course, some people need more affection than others. Gottman studied one couple who made 70 bids to each other in 10 minutes during dinner.
The "turning" is what separates the masters from the disasters. In our scenario, the wife can do one of three things:
"Turn toward the partner. Hearing her husband's "hmmm," the wife inquires, "What are you reading?
Turn away. The wife ignores him, staring blankly into her coffee.
Turn against. The wife complains, "Keep it down; I'm trying to drink my coffee!"
In the study, couples who maintained a long-term successful marriage responded positively to 96 percent of their partner's bids, while those headed for divorce responded to only 30 percent of them. The lesson, Gottman said, is that mundane moments like this are the building blocks of a profound, heartfelt connection.
In fact, he said, bids and turnings are also the basis for good sex, romance and passion in a marriage.
"These very small moments are not trivial, and let me suggest to you that those moments never come again," Gottman said, speaking to about 1,000 therapists at a recent Evolution of Psychotherapy conference in Anaheim, California.
Gottman and his team of researchers began the study in hopes of discovering more effective techniques for couples therapy. Over a decade and a half, they have scrutinized thousands of hours of couples videotaped in their homes.
Too often, he said, a couple comes in with competing grievances and the wrong perspective. "They'd like you to fix their partner's personality and sympathize with them," he said.
One of the study's more startling findings is bound to be depressing for the Pollyannas out there: Sixty-nine percent of all marital conflicts are never resolved. Each couple has perpetual issues that stem from personality differences, and no amount of effort can change that.
In essence, Gottman said, "choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems."
The bright side is that many couples find means of coping and deepening their marriage at the same time. As time passes and the bids and turnings pile up, each partner compiles an "emotional bank account" that determines their sentiments toward their partner. The masters of marriage use techniques like humor or good old-fashioned venting to clear the air. The disasters often let resentments fester until they sabotage the relationship irrevocably.
Gottman's research inspired his list of "Seven Deadly Habits" that will kill a marriage:
criticizing
blaming
complaining
nagging
threatening
punishing
rewarding to control
"Don't use these for a week," Gottman advised. "I guarantee you'll have a better relationship."
And while even the best marriages have lapses, remembering what not to do can be just as important as what you do when your partner, reading the morning paper, utters a barely audible "hmmm." |
