     Didiid | Unrecorded Date
In view of the Large Diaspora community in the Western world and the new demands to in part reform to western ways, whether at college or work and other adjustment process.
How do we address the changing dynamics of the relationships whether between married couple or during the courting stages?
How do we formulate a healthy understanding taking into account our new environment? Without resorting to name calling and other abusive measures?
As a Somali man, I am disheartned to see the frusteration and pain that we go thru, relationship wise, in these strange lands. We have to pull together and clean our house of misunderstanding to have a fighting chance to succeed.
The only way is put on the table the issues holding us apart from both sexes. |
| SUBAN | Unrecorded Date
OPEN AND HONEST COMMUNICATION IS THE FOUNDATION OF ANY HUMAN RELATIONSHIP. IN MY OPINION WHAT NEEDS TO BE DISCUSSED IS THE EXPECTATIONS OF THE 2 PEOPLE WHO WANT TO START A RELATIONSHIP. COMMUNICATE WHAT YOU WANT , NEED AND EXPECT TO EACH OTHER,AND IF DIFFERENCES ARISE WORK ON THOSE, IF YOU AGREE ON A COMMITMENT. |
| Anonymous | Unrecorded Date
Subann:
You are wise and wonderful, but the Somali situation is a wee bit different than the general population in N.America.
You may have a wonderful understanding with your significant other but how about the rest? |
| Suban | Unrecorded Date
Hi anonymous, "the Somali situation is a wee bit different..... " do I detect some sarcasm there!!!
Let me share the assumptions that my comments are based on:
1. I beleive that values such as honesty and open communication are not confined to North America, but are universal.
2. When people talk about a relationship btw 2 people, there has to be a commitment, a commitment to build the foundation for a new family.
3. Everyone has a preconceived notion of what he or she wants her new family to be like, and this is when people need to communicate about their priorities.
4. In this forums, I have seen subjects commenting that marriage has now become a thing of interst and advantages. I am assuming this happens because people do not communicate their priorities in life, and thus when the priority comes out, the other person cries foul and claims that an advantage has been taken .
So,anonymous, those you have indicated as the rest have to realize that honesty is the best policy. Life is a little bit of a balancing act, and a lot of sacrifice. Make your choice and live with your decision. |
| Didiid | Unrecorded Date
Suban:
I must admit your analogy was both very Intellectual and insightful, however I beleive you are talking in generalties here. The points you have established are the basic principals of relationship whether it be a marriage or otherwise. But my point was, when a society has been uprooted from their normal domicle and are forced into a different environment like the Somali society whether they are in Europe or N.America or where ever other places they been dispersed to, there is bount to be some upheavel in the normal order of business. It's in this contex that I was quetioning how the relationship should be adressed.
If I may go back, your points are valid under normal circumstances but our society is struggling to make a headway into normalcy in this new environments and we are not there yet. |
| SUBAN | Unrecorded Date
DIDIID,
I SEE YOUR POINT, BUT I STAND BY MY INITIAL COMMENTS ABOUT COMMUNICATION. LETS US TALK ABOUT THE UPHEAVEAL, LET US TALK ABOUT THE CHANGES; LET US TALK ABOUT HEALING, LET US TALK ABOUT OUR PREJUDICES, LET US TALK ABOUT FORGIVENESS. LETS US COMMUNICATE, AND LET US ALSO LISTEN TO EACH OTHER; FOR IT IS EASY TO SPEAK, BUT WE TEND TO HAVE SELECTIVE LISTENING SOMETIMES. |
| Didiid | Unrecorded Date
Suban:
I always look forward to your inputs even when they run counter to my points of view, at least you speak straight and your mind ( If I am permitted to add, you got good head on your shoulder). Here even though we agree on the fundementals, you are right it takes an open communication to sort out the differences. What I don't like is, men & women carry around their own prejudices ( which is natural as all Human Beings do)but lets approach this with open mind and lets leave the emotional baggage behind behind. At least I am willing to do so as a Somali man, I think Bro Mr. Nice would agree. |
| Deeqa | Unrecorded Date
Salaam all,
While I do agree with Sis Suban that the basic requirement for a succesful marriage is communication and sharing of life goals, yet I must also concede that Bro Didiid is right in that the case of Somalis in the Diaspora is different for the general rules of interpersonal relationships. Somali couples away from their country have the added challenges and pressures of adjusting (not assimilating!) to cultures and norms that can be vastly different from what they are used to. Thus marriages must be extra strong to withstand difficulties. There are no sure-fire solutions and guarantees, and no universally successful methods; each couple must decide the what, when and how of the many aspects of their relationship, from when to have kids and how to raise them, to who does what in and out of the home. One thing's for sure, however: as long as a relationship is based firmly on Islamic principles of equality and fairness, and we endeavor to follow the Prophet's example in everything, including his relationships with his wives, then a marriage has a much higher chance of success.
Salaam. |
| Mr Nice | Unrecorded Date
To Didiid:
I agree with you 100%.Remembar don't judge book by it's cover. |
| Alex | Unrecorded Date
Deeqa i agree with you 110% |
| FATIMA | Unrecorded Date
IF THE COVER IS UGLY AND RAGADY YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO JUDGE IT AND THAT GOES FOR ALL OF SOMALIAN MEN......THEY AINT ALL THAT BUT WE LUV THEM STILL...DID MEAN TO OFFEND ANYONE. |
| Didiid | Unrecorded Date
Fatima:
Good observation, just remember the knife cuts both ways.
Take care, Walashey |
| Mr Nice. | Unrecorded Date
To Fatima :
Illaahoow haa iyo maya mar hanakawada yeedhsiin.Good observation though. |
| Qaasim Cawaale | Unrecorded Date
Hello all,
There is something a miss here. You women blame us, we men blame you. The fact the of the matter is there is enough blame to go around.
What we, precisely, need is sloutions not CATERHAULING. Bitching, whinning, and moaning belongs to invalids.
Those of you who think they know it all show may humor us and tell what to do.
In my opinion, there are many great people on both sexes, but what short-cuts a meaningful relationship is when today's so-called liberated woman acts like a man rather than be proud of her feminity, ala Mrs. Tatcher and Mrs. Kennedy.
Today's Amazon woman is merely suffering from moral depravity and is emotionally officious. I cant replace GOD, butI can be a great mate for any self-confident woman.
Respectfuly,
Soulful Somali Man |
| Suhayla | Unrecorded Date
Salaan fara badan ka dib:
To Didiid:
Your question is a very important indeed. I don't think that fighting or finger-pointing would accomplish or solve any thing but it rather creates polemic situation. Everbody can play a role of a philosopher and will attempt to contemplate the real solution. But people are struggling and as you have said people are in a great upheaval and because of that we are all striving to gain some understanding of what has happended to us in the past in addition to the massive problems we are facing in these strange and foriegn lands. On one hand we are trying to adjust to our new reality; on the other hand we are trying to preserve what rightly ours to keep. These are conflicting and oppossing force.Thus, because of the pull of these oppossing forces some of us will miss the step and stumple specially the children that are the greastest casualties of this onerous time.
Having said, we have to agree that surely the family values as we know them are under attack by the westren values! The "dhalinyaro" are our only hope in terms of finding some solutions because they are the linking chain that can fill in the gap!!
They,hopefully, understand the differences between the two cultures. So the burden is on our shoulders whether we like it or not.
In my opinion the time has come for us to acknowledge that when we talk about communication,which is the foundation and the pillar for any meaningful relationship, means different thing to the genders. Women demand men to share and discuss every aspect of the family matters. Because of their inablity or refusal men have hard time understanding what is meant by the word communication. Blame it on a culture or a biology, the end result is the same. We are chasing our tails and going on and on in an empty circle. Men believe if they are providing and helping their family as the best as they can that would be enough. They despise long discussions and surely fail to understand the importance of emotional needs, and affirmations that women so eagerly demand.To men if they do not have a solution to a particular problem they do not like to talk about it -- don't like discussions . They more apt to dismiss it. That is what I have been told by men over and over again. They actions are surely exasperating and mysterious to us, but we have to deal with them.
After deep soul search I came to these conclusions: The first and the for most is we should to be steadfast on Islam.
secondly, we should consider the following:
1)Both genders should take commitments seriously.
2)Accept each others' weaknesses, flaws, embrace the "whole person" , especially if in a marriage with children.
3)Men please try show some appreciation and admiration for all the struggles they suffer and duanting tasks that Somali women perform.Please voice your appreciation for we don't as culture praise the deeds but are ready to show disapproval and easily condemn others.
4)Women accept the following fact of life : because of this diaspora men have lost more then you think. They lost their social status, all of a sudden they found themselves in a society that sees them as "black men" and we all know the hardship that categorization entails. They lost their identity,dignity, and found themselves confused,not knowing what expected of them. I donot think as women we face what they face daily. This society is more lenient to women. Men are suffering in:
1)finances -- Aside from the fact men are generally poor, women found themselves being able to earn and to certain extant think they do not need men any more. We can manage!!! we can manage women say to themselves. That becomes self fulfilling prophesy. But my sisters know that the real victims of being a single mother are the children as well as the parents.
2)for the first time in their lives men are told you have no authority whatsoever on their children and family matters.
So given their plight I believe women should show some tolerance and understanding. Both the genders are finding their way out of our hellish mess and feeling rather than know to define their new roles in family unit. It is the singe of feeling the " pains" of being new in these strange lands with no blue print or a map let alone a guide or any kind of support whatsoever-- "waxanu nahay yagleel". neither is sure about his/her obligations or rights. Too many variables to solve in the equation of marriage. The lines are blurred! the only wise thing to do is try to have some understanding and to appreciate our strength, we are nation of survivals indeed. Please see what we have been through to get here. Our situation is far from being dire and certianly no incorrigible. All we need is to muster some courage to dear us to hope and to keep our focus.
5)If we,both men and women, agree that we are suffering and struggling then we might wise up to the practical solutions for each give situations. Together we stand and alone we fall. " Gamco wadda jirbay wax ku gooyaan."
6)Accept disappointment,dear to dream but do not set your expectations no too high for you to attain and keep your "eyes on the price".
7) Believe in rectitude and in children.
Surely, there is no magic bullet for solving this formadible task but I believe if we all strive to what is to the good of the community we shall survive.
I respectfully apologize for the length of my article, but given the gravity of the subject at hand I tried to give my humble opinion.
Please feel free to give me some feedback.
Nabad gelyo. |
| Alex | Unrecorded Date
Suheyla Thank you all the things you said. we need more people like you.
Bye Alex. Till next time Somalia. |
| Suhayla | Unrecorded Date
To Alex:
You welcome Walaal. Thank you for the kind words. |
| Didiid | Unrecorded Date
Suhayla:
wow, wow this is deep, I gotta print it for the records.
Surely this is a topic dear to you too and we thank you very much for your take on it & view.
Wow |
| Hinda | Unrecorded Date
Suhayal:
You read my mind.
All those that you wrote are things that I my self practise everyday of my life. I hope we open our eyes and face the reality.
Thanks sister.
Hinda |
| Suleeqa sagaaro | Unrecorded Date
Salamacalaykum;
To Suhayla:
Aaad baad ugu mahadsan tahay qoraalka sharafta leh ee aad noo soo gudbisay, Runtii hadii qoysku raaco siyaabaha aad soo sheegtay bulshaduna way wadaa haagi lahayd oo dad isku xiran bay wadaa noqn lahaayeen dadkeenaa.
Hadii qosku dhib iyo muran ka taagan yahay oo iyaga naftooda xal samaysan karin waxbaa uma qaban karaan caruur iyo bulshadaa kale ee soomaalida.
nabadgalyo |
| Suhayla | Unrecorded Date
To Hinda and Suleeqa:
You Both welcome for your support and kind words. |
| Suhayla | Unrecorded Date
To Didiid:
Thank you. |
| Mr Nice. | Unrecorded Date
To Suhayla:
Afka faanto lagaaka qabay.raga dhamiga ah sidayda haday adoo kale heli lahaayeen waxba ma xumaadeen.Alloow adoo kale ii sahal war aamiin dhaha......lol |
| Suhayla | Unrecorded Date
To Mr. Nice:
Thank you bro for the kind words.There are many girls like me around. Do not dispair you just sctrach the surface where you search is concerned. Amiin baa kuu nidhi ducadaadii...lol |
| Abdurahman | Unrecorded Date
Assalaamu Calaykum all
Just wondering why this worthwhile topic of great interest has all of sudden ended.
I myself have noticed it late...I'm writing this message on 23/07/99...too late I guess to comment on the topic at this stage.
N.B
To all the earlier participants including Suhayla
who is really admireable...Please come back and enlighten us more on this topic. What are really the deep-rooted problems that causes the quick and harsh break-down of the Somali family on these foreign shores..be it in Europe or North America.
In my opinion..I strongly beleive it is to do with the little or rather lack of understanding of our Holy religion... ISLAM. Needless to say ISLAM IS THE ONLY AND ONLY SOLUTION to solving and InshaAllah eliminating this problem altogether.
Eagerly Looking forward to your responses.
Wa Bilaahi tawfiiq. |
| Anonymous | Unrecorded Date
wow wow suhayla i wish al of our girls were like you
thanx for the great article |
| Suhayla | Unrecorded Date
To Abdurahman:
Walaal, I agree with you that the Islam is the answer to our problems whether in "Dunida iyo Aakhiroba". I think little understanding of our new environment goes a long way. It will increase our chances of succeeding in our struggles and hopefully will help us to attain our dreams.
To Akhyaarta kale:
keep the page alive. |
| Suhayla | Unrecorded Date
To Anonymous,
Thank you very much for your grace. |
| Cleveland | Unrecorded Date
I want to thank all who participated this great topic which i believe was very interesting each
and every somali to discuss about,and want to thank specially sahuyla,for the deep understanding
of what is happening in somali community today,
We will continue to refrain deep down inside,untill we get the positivity we all dreamed about...may god bless you all...keep the page alive...............thank you |
| Abur-Rahman | Unrecorded Date
May Allah make it easier for all of us to understand each other. AAmiin. |
| furqan | Unrecorded Date
suheila
WOW!!!! U HAVE TOUCHED MY SOUL IN A WAY THET U'LL NEVER KNOW. OF COURSE THIS ISUE IS ON EVERYONES MIND, BUT AS ALWAYS WE TEND TO IGNORE IT OR PUT ALL OUR ENERGY IN TRYING TO SOLVE IT OTHER WAYS, THAN FOLLOWING THE EXAMPLES THAT HAVE BEEN GIVEN BY OUR PROPHET (MUHAMED)PEACE BE UPPON HIM.
I AM GUESSING THAT ALMOST EVERY PERSON WHO USES THIS SITE IS LIVING IN EUROPE OR AMERICA. HAVING SAID THAT, IT IS A PROBLEM WE ALL FACE AND HAVE TO DEAL WITH BY RETURNING TO THE BOOK OF ALLAH AND THE SUNNAH; BACK HOME DOING THIS WAS SO EASY THAT U PICKED UP FROM U YOUR PARENTS, CULTURE SOCIETY, ENVIRONMENT AND MANY OTHER ASPECTS, WE CAN ALSO DO THAT HERE WITH A LITTLE BIT MORE DEDICATION AND AIM.
LET US BE STRONG INDIVIDUALS, WHO STAND FIRMLY ON THE RIGHT PATH.
LET US BUILD THE FOUNDATION FOR OUR CHILDREN SO THAT IN FUTURE THEY DON'T GO ASTRAY AND AIMLESS.
WITH "IMAN" EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE.
MAY ALLAH GUIDE US IN THE RIGHT PATH AND PROTECT US FROM THE EVILS OF OUR SELVES, AND OF THIS WORLD .
WASSALAM. |
| X | Unrecorded Date
Didiid-
Great question brother, that has always been in my mind. In this new land we are faced with new issues, the most difficult being, how do we (Somali Women) strive to be successful in our careers (competing and exceeding our male counterparts) and yet remain soft and feminine. I don't believe I have the answer. I have ended several relationships mainly because I didn't want the "WOMAN" (the docile one). The problem is that the Somali man still believes that he is the leader of the family and that the woman should not challenge him. How do we let a "MAN" lead the relationship when he is not good at governing his own life?
Suban- Right As usual, communication is always the key. But what happens when you are not good at wearing your feelings on your sleeve? Does that mean that you doomed to a life long series of disastrous relationships?
My two cents
X |
| nina | Unrecorded Date
salam everyone
enought has been said about this topic but i want to add one more thing to made a marriage survive. this may seem strange but as soon as couple gets married they should write what their
likes and dislike on a paper and hand it more to their newly wife or husband so that they know exactly whats makes u happy and what doesn't. Even if u have known ur partner before marriage it's still seems like u have met each other for the first after intercourse.
p.s. (excuse my language)
The reason why i said it should be written is that we humans are not perfect and we tend to make mistakes that pisses off our partner, so by having it written u can review it on a two weekly basis so that u don't forget, and it safes u from a major fight.
peace
nina |
| Suhayla | Unrecorded Date
To Cleveland:
Thank you for the kind words.
I hope that people keep this page an on going forums.
Sorry, I have not had a chance to read your posting. |
| Suhayla | Unrecorded Date
To Furqan:
Special thanks to you and I appreciate your kind and grace.
I hoped that after being in these new cultures we will learn to appreciate our unique culture and we will have the courage to enhance and improve what is good and overcome its shortcomings. |
