     Udug | Wednesday, December 13, 2000 - 08:16 am
I am a young Somali woman. I have always been against dating married men and have never wasted my time with one. I recently met a Somali man at a wedding and we spent a lot of time together in person and on the phone. I asked him many times if he was married and he kept saying no. This man now lives in Somalia but visits my city frequently on business matters and hopes to return in the near future. Now, what is killing me is that when he got to London, UK, where he will be for a few days, he called me and told me that he couldn't eat or sleep and had something to tell me. Right then I said "you are married, aren't you"? and that was the case. To make a long story short, this man looked at me right in the eye and lied and then lied some more. Of course, I told him not to call me again but he cried and told me how much he missed me, that he had been separated for over one and half years and the fact that he spent all his time with me should be proof of how much he cares and of his separation. I told him not to call me again but he won't listen. The sad part is that I care for him and despite his lies I can't hate him as much as I want to. I can't stop thinking about everything we shared, the good times, the laughter, the way he looked at me and told me I was beautiful, how he sang to me and it hurts so much, so very much. The fact of the matter is that he is married and to me separation is nothing. I will probably never see him again though he doesn't think so and somehow I miss so much about him. I never thought the day would come when I would give a married man the ligh of day to explain to me as to why he lied about his family but guess what I did and I hate myself for even listening to him all those hours probably telling me more lies. My question to men is: Why do you get involved with decent women while you are married to someone else and worse deny it when asked? Why for God's sake, why? |
| UDGOONE | Wednesday, December 13, 2000 - 09:40 am
UDGOONE>>>>>dear UDUG... ragga oo idil layskuma qabto...haddii uu been kuu sheegay waa isaga iyo ALLAHIISA...waan garan karaa xanuunka iyo dhibka labadiinaba idin haysta...oo aniga xitaa waa ay i soo martay...
UDUG...waxaan kuu sheegi lahaa, haddii aad qof nacaysid looma noco si xadka ka baxsan, haddii aad qof jeceshahayna looma jeclaado si xatka ka baxsan...marka waxaan ku oran lahaa si xad dhaaf ah ha u nicin inaad jeclaato ayaa laga yaabaa...
Midda kale, maybe you will hate me by saying this: laakiin haddii uu awoodo ALLAA u banneeyay inuu afar haween guursado...ee maxaa ka qaldan haddii uu adiga ku jecel-yahay as well as the other womam...
UDUG waxaan kugula talin lahaa inaadan noqon doqon la jeclaaday ee aad chance siiso...qof sidaasoo kale kuu jeclaan doono inaadan helin ayaa laga yaabaa...
Waa mar labaad iyo UDGOONE oo ku leh...give him a chance raggana ha isku wada qaban...raggu been ma wada sheegaaan.....
GOOD LUCK |
| WARSAME | Wednesday, December 13, 2000 - 12:12 pm
sis, i am usually feelingless about anything somali said, but i have to admit I FEEL YOUR PAIN (if that's all true).
let me tell you one thing. after you finished reading this, close your eyes and really think about what i got to say.
YOU ARE A WOMAN and THAT GUY'S WIFE (OR EX-WIFE) IS A WOMAN TOO. BETWEEN YOU AND HER, THERE IS NOTHING. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HER. THIS MAN DIDN'T KNOW YOU WHEN HE GOT TOGETHER WITH THAT WOMAN. NOW, HE KNOWS YOU AND HE FEELS A LOT FOR YOU, MOR THAN HIS WIFE. WOULDN'T U BE FEELING REALLY FLATTERED THAT A MAN'S HEAD GOT TURNED BECAUSE OF YOUR ELEGANCE AND BEAUTY. THAT A MAN IS READY TO JUMP ON THE LOVE BOAT WITH YOU AND BE FOR YOU. GIRL, MY ADVISE TO YOU IS TO BE "PRACTICAL" AND LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE OF THINGS. AS LONG AS HIS MARITAL STATUS IS NOT AFFECTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM, GET THE BRO. AFTER ALL, BEEN MARRIED ONCE BEFORE DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T LOVE SOMEONE NEW. UNLES I MISS SOMETHING, THIS IS THE LINE I WOULD LIKE TO CLOSE YOUR EYES AND THINK ABOUT IT...THINK IN THAT LINE
I HOPE I HELPED. LET ME KNOW ABOUT HOW LITTLE MY EFFORTS WERE USEFUL TO YOU
BYE NOW
ps..now , i'm back to feelingless dude |
| Carfi | Wednesday, December 13, 2000 - 01:00 pm
Udug, he lied and abused your trust. Move on sis and never comprimise your principles by listening to nonsense and emotional blackmail. Give yourself time, you will meet a man who deserves you. Not all men are the same, but the jerks outnumber the decent ones! |
| Udug | Thursday, December 14, 2000 - 08:42 am
Udgoone, Warsame & Carfi - Thanks for your different perspectives. UDGOONE: Allah 4 dumar ah in la guursado wuxuu u banayey duruufaha qaarkood haday la soo dersaan qoyska waana xaraam in been dumarka lagu xera geliyo. Ninkani wuu ogaa halkaan ka joogo nin naag leh imuuna siin choice in aan ku galo ama ku diido - naftiis uun buu ka fekeray. WARSAME: For a minute I took your advice to heart, reminds me so much of what he keeps telling me. I don't think I will have a problem finding a new love, though my trust of men has received a big blow. My problem is getting over the hurt and the sleepless nights. I feel so violated. CARFI: Thanks for the strong and truthful words, I needed to hear them. It is sad that two people could find so much happiness only to be crushed by lies and selfishness. Having said that, I have to tell that he again called several times yesterday and after ignoring his calls at home he left a message on my voice mail at work last night. I had to stop here to get a call from him at my lunch break and this is what went down. I was firmer than ever in telling him to leave me the heck alone. Of course "I'll call you again" was his end verse but for some reason I feel a relief today after talking to him. I expressed how cheated and violated I felt and although much of this was said in previous calls, for some reason I feel a weightt has been lifted and that this maybe the beginning of the end for me. It is so easy to give someone a part of yourself but so very hard to get it all back. Once again, thanks for your input, God bless you and pray for me and all women in my situation. Salaam. |
| Lady Jane | Thursday, December 14, 2000 - 12:07 pm
Asalama Caleykum wa Raxmatullahi wa Barakatu!
To Udug:
My dearest sister first of all let me begin by expressing to you just how much I empathize with the anguish and undoubtedly deep sadness caused by the recent events in your life regarding this gentleman.
Even though I was never lied to by any man whom I was interested regarding his marital status in particular,I must say that it was very cruel of him to mislead you in such a way.I understand you completely when you say that by lying to you repeatedly and claiming that he was single when he was in fact very much married..he took away your right as an equal partner in the relationship to say "Yes I will be with you even though you are married" or simply "NO."
If his love for you is so strong then why didn't he confess not even on his own but when you repeatedly asked him?Why did he not come forward at the first sign of deep sentiments for you.I understand that perhaps he hadn't anticipated to fall in love with you...but what did he expect to come of his nurturing of the relationship?
I understand also that it must have been very difficult for him to tell you something which he knew for a fact would break your heart...but why didn't he think of the fact that he would be causing you much greater pain by keeping it from you until you had grown to love him and appreciate his companionship?
I think that the saddest part of it all is that you probably feel that if you'd known he was married,you would have declined to be with him from the start.He chose to be deliberately dishonest with you and dishonest about such an important thing at that!He cannot expect you to merely put your own feelings aside and consider and sympathize with his just because he now found a time convenient enough for him to be honest with you.
Abaayo,no matter what...people will always choose to be dishonest when the choice of telling the truth is clearly laid out before them.You cannot always expect people to possess the principles that you do or uphold the standards that you do;yet you shouldn't lower your own standards or compromise your values and morals just because a few people don't share them.That is proof enough that what you believe is sensible and indeed very practical!However what people don't realize is that the more they hurt you the more experience and wisdom they're putting into your life..not to mention the strength and forbearance that they indirectly end up teaching you!
Macaanto,keep your head up.Be proud of who you are and pray that you may find it in your heart to forgive him for his transgression against you.
Have faith that you will fall in love and meet your beautiful match!
Don't blame yourself
Don't regret
Don't worry,be HAPPY!
Smile,ALWAYS
Laugh like you're on DRUGS!
Find strength in your friends(make THEM miserable)
Think happy thoughts
Occupy your time with worthwhile things
Remember you are not alone!
Believe that you are a strong woman
Don't ever forget that God works in mysterious ways and sometimes we might not be able to see beyond our pain and petty differences but in everything lies a deeper meaning.
Remember that you made the right move because even as far as Islam goes he violated you by choosing to be so grossly dishonest!Yes Allah has permitted men to marry as many as 4 wives but each and every one of those wives should know of the other and be fully knowledgeable of her husband's intention to take on another wife!If he isn't being honest with his wife by Sharicatul Islam then what in the world makes you think that he will be honest with you?!
Did you know that Tenderness comes from Pain?
Did you know that Victory comes from Defeat?
Take care of yourself girl!We're right behind you!
I realize that was quite lengthy...I just couldn't stop.I hope some of it helped....
Until next time,peace,love and craziness to you!
Lady Jane. |
| Carfi | Thursday, December 14, 2000 - 07:28 pm
Lady Jane, what you wrote for Udug was beautiful. What a wise sister you are!
Udug, you are welcome sis. Your story is all too familar and I agree with Lady Jane that that there is a lesson to be learned in live's trials and tribulations. Be strong, because you are the better person in this case. Good luck. |
| Anonymous | Thursday, December 14, 2000 - 10:40 pm
ayusuf,
I must say this was one the stories moved far more than anything I read from online. I enjoyed deeply reading the beautiful wisdoms people tried to provide for you this dilemma situation. It ha been educational to see myself that there are still strangers who care passionately in others personal life regardless on their bases. However, there is a one thing that everyone forget to mention. What about if this guy was in a situation where he knew deep in his heart that his marriage was over, and at same time was very much into you? for that instant he did want to take the chance passing by; felt the urge that he had to lied to you for the spare of the moment, then later realize his wrong doing which lead him to come clean. All these are things that need to be taken a consideration. Believe me it is not intention to create alaby or make excuse, nonetheless there are some issues that could classified as "unfortunate".
I command by standing up to what you believe, this is when you patience is tested and the way you dealt with it was fabulous.
Adam |
| Udug | Friday, December 15, 2000 - 05:09 am
Thank you all and more so Lady Jane. I never thought my pain could touch complete strangers and in turn their words of comfort and encouragement would reduce me to tears. I shed so much tears for him but today I shed some for myself and I do believe it is the first step towards healing. It will be hard but I hope to emerge from this stronger as Lady Jane said - guess if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger. I would be remiss if I did not say a word or two to Anonymous - one of the reasons that I kept having any conversation with this man is because he said everything you do here almost word for word and I would be a liar if I said I didn't believe them but as days go by the fog is getting lifted and am more focussed on how he hurt me rather than how much I will miss him. I am out of the denial now. Once again, thank you my dear brothers/sister, you have definately touched me with your caring words. God bless. |
| QT | Tuesday, December 19, 2000 - 06:58 am
wow what thoughful article and also well put, to uduga sis my heart plead 4 u it must be really hard i can not even image how u fell but what i can say is this thiers a light at the end of tunell it will take u time 2 get over this horrible person so hang on there sis. i am sure thereis plent of man out there just like him including my self and lie will never stop. so what u need to do is be smart and be proacative read between the lines of what one would say and at the same time do let me put u off other mans coz if u do u lett him win
take care sis |
| T-GIRL-QueenOfHearts | Friday, December 22, 2000 - 05:03 pm
UDUG
Sweety trust me.... not all the apples in the farm are rotten if you know what I mean. There are men like that who lie through their teeth. Believe it or not 60% of the men who chat me up are married men. I met a guy in a cinema a year and half back. I was with my girlfriends kicking it and he approached me outta no where. He asked for my number and offered to give me a lift. I took his number coz I didn't want to seem rude and offensive I told him kindly that I don't give strange men my number and I do not accept lifts from them either. He sussed it out that we were driving. Anyway to cut the story short he happens to be in my University.(Small world huh?) And he used to follow me to the library, canteeen. I gotta admit I started to develop little feelings for him. He seemed nice, intelligent, religious, honest and little did I know one day as I was talking to him this woman appeared outta no where......She was so pregnant, that she could barely see her feet. He introduced me as his best friend and the woman as his beloved wifey. From that day onward....I was like...Hell no...Men keep away from me......I convinced myself I ain't gonna fall in love untill I am sure I know the person inside out.(I mean that literally).
Well having said that I am a little sceptical about the issue and would usually follow my heart over my head anytime. So my advice to you sister is never say never.....Don't give up coz there are so many great SOMALI MEN around......U just have to look a little harder.........That's all
PEACE  |
| Anonymous | Monday, December 25, 2000 - 02:30 pm
hi udug waxan ka xumahay arimaha aad soo qortay lakiin waxaad tiri aad ayan uga fakaraa marka ma laga yaabaa isag xitaa iany daacad ka ahayd waqtiga uu kula qatay waxa aan filayaa hadii aadan ka arag in aadan intan la soo gaarten waxa kaloo tiri ma dagana magaakada aad dagan tahay oo soomaliya ayuu dagan yahay waan kula soo hadlaa sida aad noo sheegtay waxaan walashay ku odhan lahaa in been laguu sheego waa qalad lakiin waxan filayaa in uu qaladkisii saxay mar hadii uu runta kuu sheegay xaaska uu qabayna sida aad noo sheegtay waa kala maqan yihiin marka walaal waxan ku odhan lahaa hadii ay daacad ka tahay dhinaca fiican ka fiiri waa hadii ay daacad ka tahay
ILAH HA KUU FUDUDEEYO WA BISMILAHI TOWFIIQ |
| Ali | Sunday, January 07, 2001 - 01:10 pm
To lady JANE
It distubs me alot when a muslim person and well informed muslium person assimilate the KUFARS by calling themselves LADY JANE
I respect your opinion please use Islamic name
Ali |
| HonestGirl | Monday, January 08, 2001 - 04:54 pm
My sweet sista Udug......my heart goes out for u girl..........u really sound like a very mature and strong woman........and i guess its his loss not urs sis..............
Even though i think pple always make mistakes......and the fact that the guy called u to tell u there was something he had to get off his chest and him callin' u all the time even though u made it clear to him that he is crossed out with a whiteout should show u how sorry he is about his dishonest act......maybe the guy was goin' through a hella time figuring out how to tell u............why dont u look at his side of the story..........i feel u girl........and i feel him too.........give him a chance b4 u erase him sis.........its clear that u guys were in love......love can not be gone so easily too!!!
T-girl......god girl.......i'de faint walaahi....
i neva came across guys who lie about thier marital status.....at least i have not found out yet..............i was seein' this guy for a while when i heard rumers from so many pple that he was married............i asked him and with those innocent eyes he swore to me he was never married.........i believed him.........but i cant get pple to believe it......the excuse he told me was he lived with his ex-girlfriend and he couldnt tell pple they were livin' together cuz its "CEEB" so he had to say they were married.....of course he's out now but i truely cared for him and i just told myself.....why such a loser!!!
anyway.....i wish u da best luck Udug.......much luv sis
adios |
| wanaagasane | Monday, January 15, 2001 - 03:08 am
Hi!!
Udug:
Have you heard of the word polygamy? or concubines, girlfriends?
are you disappointed because he lied to you of his marital statues or because he was married?
If he would have told you that he was married but would want a fresh start to a relationship, would you have given him a chance?
As a human being you have choices in life, to pick up a partner among others...so, the poor guy was just excersing his rights, right?
I don't condone polygamy but just wondering... |
| m&m | Friday, January 19, 2001 - 05:02 pm
HonestGirl that was nice advice that you gave to udug
keep it up sista |
