     SOM MAN | Thursday, November 02, 2000 - 04:42 pm
Hi to ya all my som ppl. I am married som man with 3 kids which I love so much. My problem is me and my use to have a lots of fun be4 we got married and got kids, use go out eat out do a lots of good things that the normal ppl do. but eversince that we had our kids things are going down.part of it we don't communicate real well as we used to and she is always accusing me of cheating which I have never done,we are constantly arguing yelling and I don't want my kids to see that she tells me me she loves me and I do 2,but it is just when she is bad she is real bad.every time that I go with some friends she has to know where I am going who I was with and what I was doing there. I have never questioned where she is going because I trust her and I have faith in her.In reality I am not in rush of getting divorced I love my wife and I can't be one day without my kids, but my wife is lacking the trust which is the base of the marriage. please I don't want any one to feel sorry for me, this just killing me inside maybe some of ya had experience like i just want what you did different.
thanx..... I need your opinion my sOM PPL. I KNOW IT IS LONG TOPIC BUT I HAD TO DO IT AND I APOLOGIZE FOR THAT.... PEACE YA YOUR OPINION COUNTS |
| Ayaanick | Thursday, November 02, 2000 - 07:34 pm
I am not Married, however I can tell you that communication is the key to a happy relationship. It could be that your wife is having trouble because she takes cares of the kids the whole day. Or maybe she is not sure that you love her anymore. Whatever the problem is you need seek some help, and you need to talk to your wife, and tell her that she means the world the world to you, and you can't afford to loose her. Prove to her that you are the man she married, and remind her of all the reasons why you two should work things out. Perhaps surprise with a gift, and take her out on a vacation. Make sure that you spend time with her, and show her that you appreciate all the hard work she does, and what a wonderful wife she is. You shouldn't be going out so often, acting like a single man, whether you like it or not you have responsibilities now, and you need to be there for her and your kids. Let me ask you this, do you help her with the kids, or are you on of those guys who just come, and leave. I hope that you have some more sense to you then that walaalo. Marriage is not easy, and it will never be easy, but I hope you devote the time, and energy to safe your marriage. (look at me I should be counseling married couple huh) being only 21 doesn't help, and I am sure you have more experience then I do, but I think I know what it to be married. (wish me luck on finding a boyfriend...) It will be a long time before I commit...bottom like communicate don't lock her out!! Good luck, and let me know how it goes!! |
| Muna | Friday, November 03, 2000 - 10:54 am
Dearest Som man, I must say that you seem quite distraught and deeply saddened by the entire experience which you are currently going through.And you have my sympathies and condolences for the love you feel you've lost.I must without further delay second Ayaanick in all that she has already offered as her intake on the subject.
I am also 21 and unmarried but I believe that all single people like me have some rough idea of what an institution of marriage would be like.I'm not sure however of how much of what I say to you will alleviate the situation you're in.
Above anything else you should try to give your wife some time to herself and by this I mean that she should have some time to go out if she will to the hill tops of greater England and scream to her heart's content.You and the kids that you share should be far from her thoughts.
I'm not saying that the reason your wife needs time to herself is to forget you and the children but she should feel secure to leave the kids behind with you because she knows that they would be in good hands in her absence.She should not have to worry about anything or anyone but herself in her quest to understanding and maybe even resolving in her mind your current problems.
Walaale you should in this time while she is gone try to think of her situation and not yours.You should think of putting yourself in her shoes,in other words empathize.I know you're probably thinking that no one has the mental capacity to understand your situation but you have to remember that as complex as we are we women are easy creatures to please too!!
Let me put it this way,do you consider your wife to be your best friend and confidant?More importantly does your wife take you to be her best friend and confidant.If your answer is yes then come back to the level of purely friendship and climb that ladder to infinite love and joy as a romantic couple as you did so many years ago.
Also,ask yourself of how many things you know that your wife loves about you and if you still possess those qualities or have they become dormant since the kids were born?When was the last time that your wife told you she loved out of the blue or came behind you and gave you a long, passionate kiss on the lips.When was the last time that your wife complimented your ability to please her in bed?When was the last time you whole heartedly complimented your wife on her looks...women especially mothers are particularly sensitive about their physical appearance and grow increasingly concerned on their ability to entice their husbands the same way they used back when it was just the two of them.When was the last time you asked your wife what her dreams were and made a consciencous effort to make them come true??
In conclusion,just give her some time to absorb things as they are happening and as far as the issue of trust I think that it is just a product of her not feeling as attractive as she used to be combined with you spending so much time away from her.But the best thing you can do is to try to think the way she does and perhaps all of this will make sense. Keep in mind that things don't change over night just as your problems didn't happen over night.Everything is a process so you mustn't forget that the solution to your problems is giving your wife one day off from her housewife responsibilities or a few isolated compliments here and there.And pray to the Lord above for some guidance and it will surely come walaale.
Peace,love and craziness.
Muna. |
| Bro. M. C | Friday, November 03, 2000 - 12:23 pm
To Som Man!
Excuse my language, I am gonna be using somali language. I hope you understand it and able to read it, coz I am not good at writting english.
Walaal waxa kaliya oo aan kuu sheegi karaa, ama kugu kordhin karaa fikradayda, iyo waayo aragnimadayda. Wax walba uu ku dhaco walaal u arag wax xag rabi lagaaga qoray inuu yahay, Tan labaad wax walba oo uu qof bin-aadam ah uu kuu geysto ama kugu sameeyo, Intaadan dhihin muxuu sidaa ii gu sameeyey, marka hore waxaad is warsataa maxaad adiga qofka ku samaysay. Haddaan usoo noqdo qilaafka yar ee idin dhex yaala adiga iyo xaaskaaga Walaal marwadaada waa shaarkaaga oo kale ama marada aad xiranayso, ma korkaaga ayaad ka qarin kartaa, waxaan ka wadaa xaakaaga iyo adigu waa hal nafoo kaliya, waxa keenaya inay ku warsato meel alla iyo meesha aad usocoto, waxaa keenta ookaliya inay aad kuu jeceshahay oo ay rabto inay ogaato meeshaad joogto, adiguse haddaadan usocon meel xun maba ahaba inaad ka xanaaqdo ama aad u fakarto inay ku kontorolayso. Tan kale walaal waxaad ogaataa in haweenku ay yihiin sidi shaarka cad, meeqa maalmood ayaad sidan kartaa shaar cad adigoon dhaqin. Waxaaan kawadaa Dumarku wuxuu u baahanyahay dulqaad badan waayo waxaa ku xirriira dhibaatooyin faro badan oo haddii maanta laguu dhiibi lahaa maalin kaliya aadan xamisheen, waxaana dhibaatooyinkaa kamid ah Shahwada, caadada, carruurta iyo kuwo kaloo tiro badan. Marka walaal anigu waxaan qabaa in ninku ay shaqadiisu tahay in uu qanciyo xaaskiisa xagwalba, lana socdo xaalkeeda. Waxaad kor ku soo xustay inaad saaxiibo raacdo. Maasha allah saaxiib ka wanaagsan xaaskaaga ee laraaco yuu yahay. Dhibaatooyinka ugu waaweyn ee nahaysata Khaasatan ragga soomaalida ayaa waxaa ka mid ah Ninku wuxuu rabaa inuu baxo oo uu saaxiibadii iskala soo sheekaysto xaaskiisuna ay guriga joogto ama ay raacdo saaxiibadeeda kale anigu waxaan u arkaa khaladka aad uweyn waayo majoogno dalkeennii hooyo oo haddii xaaska guriga uga tagto ay ama walaalahed ama dariska iskala soo sheekaysan jirtay. Waxaynu nimi dhul kale oo dhaqan kale leh. Walaal kaagama waramaayo guurka iyo faaiidadiisa. Aniga waan soo maray marxaladan oo kale xaas baan lahaa Maasha allah wiil ayaa ilaah nakala siiyay, waynu is jeclayn, weynu yaryarayn, Anna waxaan jiray 22 iyadana 19 laakiin nasiib daro Sadex sano kadib waynu kala tagnay. Walaal ilaa iyo maant waan ka shallaayaa. sida kaliya ee naftayda ku qanciyo ayaa waxay tahay waad yareyd, walow ay maanta ahaan lahayd ma u malaynayo inaan kala tagi lahayn Marka walaal ha samayn qaladki aan aniga sameeyey ee gurigaaga ogow.
Waxaan hadalkayga ku soo gunaanadayaa goodluck, don't make the same mistake that I 've done. I hope you find my opinion helpful.
I am sorry I didn't realize it was too long, You can say I got too excited.......
I just want to say one thing to Sis.Ayaanik!!! I am really really impressed with your opinion, And I hope you find what you looking for |
| Som-Man | Friday, November 03, 2000 - 01:55 pm
To ayanick,Muna and Bro.M.C.: Thanks for your opinion and concerns guys, I realy appreciate it.The topic was I think I just got little emotional when I wrote it and needed some one to talk and ya became my best resource to talk, you all responded well and I thank you for that.Your guys mentioned that me about trying to act like a single it is not really about that,the only time I am going with friends is just when we are maybe watching sports together..// to ayanic abaayo I am sure you will have a good man in you live inshaallah.any I thank you all again...Me and my wife are trying to resolve our problems again....// To M.C. I am sorry that happened to you and I thank you for the advice.....peace.. |
| Ayaanick | Friday, November 03, 2000 - 06:49 pm
Hmm:
I am back the (advisor) whoa. I am really glad that you going to work things out with your wife..Mansha Allah. You see there certain things about a person that make you wonder if you can put up with them sometimes. You see it is so easy to walk away, and never have to deal with a problem, but hardest part is sticking around to make sure that things do work out. People will be people, and you and your wife will always disagree on things, but don't let that get the best of you!! I am really proud of you. As far as me getting what I hope for, I am really not in a big rush, my whole life is head of me, and maybe someday I will find that one true love or maybe I won't, I just want to live my life to fullest, and enjoy the world Allah has given me. First and Formost I want to make sure that My mom understands that she is the love of my life, and will always be!! Inclosing I would like to thank (Bro M.C.) on his comments, I am just being me!!
Macasalaama |
| M.M | Saturday, November 04, 2000 - 09:14 am
To all of you people well said, and is nice to know some people out there cares......
Peace and love......
player |
| JAKOOLE | Saturday, November 04, 2000 - 02:07 pm
Brother M C
Iam so proud of you. Believe me I have never seen a Somlian man who thinks the way you think. You are down to earth we need more men like you. Anways, aboowe ilaaheey waxaan kaaga baryayaa naag aad iyo aad u wanaagsan i nuu ku siiyo.AMIIN
waxaad tahey nin aad iyo aad u besil, nimanka somalia ah waxaan is ku qaldaan the diffrence between friend and wife. marka ilaah ha baro xaqa aay naagta ku leedahey ninkeeda. to sam man every problem has a solution. Plz treat u wife the best remember Allah say HE WHO IS NICE TO HIS WIFE IS THE BEST AMONT YOU. So it not just the two of you any more please consider the beautiful children you have together.I myself is a married waman we have our up and dawn everyday but it does not get to me beacuse i know there is not a
perfect marriage.The key is have less friend becuase there are a lot of friends out there that won't be happy for you.Any ways I love what MC said your best best friend shauld be only your wife. Anyhow I hope thatyou two work it out Insha Allah. |
| Nacka | Saturday, November 04, 2000 - 08:14 pm
To you Mr SOM MAN !
I wont be writing alot here ...am not married but i have dated many somali girls and this is my experience advice. This is what you would do. Somali girls love to be adored (kool koolis). Make her feel she is the best thing happened to you ...Thank her giving you best gods gift ( the children), you have to treat her like queen. Spend all your free time with her...Think about your children very important ...spend time with your kids ...and remember DONT exacurate. Take her outside like you used to do when you were singel...after all she is your wife and the mother of your children..you married her FOR LOVE right....Every man can make baby but real man can rise them. peace out all somalis. |
| T-GIRL | Saturday, November 04, 2000 - 09:39 pm
SOM MAN
I have never been married but one thing I know is that U need to restore that old feeling in her. U have got to reasure her that she is loved and appreciated. Be a romantic and schedule a day just for the 2 of ya..without the kidz. I think she does trust you but she is a bit clingy coz she ain;t got that reasurance from you yet. If U make her happy.....and satisfy her in every way Im sure she will come around.
And one thing I've come seen and read about is that women tend to get depressed after they have children, as they feel rather useless and they get bored. So it is all about communication brother.......Im very certain..if U give her what she wants(Love/support and romance)...she will give you all the wifely things U need...LOL....If ya know what I mean 
Peace
Trouble |
| Anonymous | Sunday, November 05, 2000 - 04:04 am
TO everyone out there..WOW..this best make sense in the net, I think we need to have convarsation like this more and more it is good for the family.Any I want to add little thing to the topic I my self am married man and use to have problems like this,and that was coming from my wife not trusting me, I really feel the som.man's what he is going through. Our wifes should trust us more and stop being gelousy for no reason plz.Trust is the botton line I am not saying all the somali women are like that,infact somali wom are the most beutifull wom in the world but we just need little more comunications from them..
Thanx Ya peace |
| my self | Sunday, November 05, 2000 - 07:05 am
wow;;;;;;this page is the most making sense in the net we should have more discusiins like this.Any way going back to the topic i just want to add that I my self am married man too and use have problems similar to the som.man,and most of that was coming from my wife not trusting me and so I can understand what you are going through bro just remember patient bro then you will get through..I think we need from our som-wom to comunicate better with us and trust that is the key .....Peace and love........my self |
| Bro. M.C | Monday, November 06, 2000 - 06:50 am
To all of you who showed respect and being supportive to this bro. who needed your opinion. I am really amazed by you at the same time I am also shocked how come I don't see any insult or one of those nonesense massages that you see every other topic that you see. All I see here is very opend minded thoughtful people, trying to help a bro.and that is what we supposed to be doing rather than insulting each other calling stupid names etc. I thank all of you keep it bro.& Sis's
I just want to send special thanks to Sis. Jakool. Sister you gave more credit than I did, and do want to know what that did to me, It encouraged me to write and share my opinions to my bro. and Sisters. I really want to say thank you so much for all your comments it really made my day when I red this morning and thank you for being so
supportive as my sister Ayanik said I am just being me!! I wasn't trying to be mr perfect, knows everything.
To Ayanik I just want to tell you one more time you keep surprising me. What really made me say this is on your last note where you said "First and Formost I want to make sure that My mom understands that she is the love of my life, and will always be!! I agree with you. keep it up girl. Good luck with your future.
Last but not Least To Som Man. Brother I am glad you found our opinions and advises helpful. I am also happy that you and your wife are trying to resolve the problem and I hope by now the problem is being resolved if not keep trying, because there is nothing better than being a family and having your wife and kids with you.
Take care!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
| From Toronto | Tuesday, November 07, 2000 - 11:37 am
To all the pariticipant of this website thank u for the different ideas brought to this matter we want such things to bring the attention of our community. let me tell u that marriage is legalized prostitution in the context of our culture but it is totally different. It is love combined with these things such as caring, passion, demanding, respecting,listening, supporting, being assertive to yr relationship, helping, raising yr children, presenting yrself a good father and teaching what is mean by a fatherhood.
Let us educate our society the healthy relationship which our community calls the man who cares/helps his wife, he is (NACAS) but that is not true. The true man is the family man. Look the advanced countries they consider when someone is running for election or big position they judge according to his family values.
Some of may be already married and some of us may be soon coming married. Let us encourage our men to take the responsibility that husband means. It does not mean only sex on bed. Life is not only that. There must be supporting things or whole backage that goes with and I hope that most of the Somali men who lives uproad have an idea or have the sense of being a good husband.
Let us forget the old ideology of our fathers that condemn the existance of our mothers. Live is co-operation, two hands can do together. We belong to each other brothers and sisters and let us built the house together. Do not leave the whole responsibility for one person. Look down and think how we can survive in evil coountries.
I am not encouraging to behave like the white communities there is not family values. Let us keep some good parts of culture where family is the roots of life.
This paragraph is for Som Man, brother find for yrself what is missing in yr relationship, bring back what has been neglected, put all yr effort to keep yr family together, do not put down yr children, every relationship in life there difficulties and misunderstandings, but that is not the end. Try to solve the matter and digest yr wife's concern, make change as soon as possible. You the man try to overcome all the problems that arised in your house. Decide between your family and the friends.
Remember friends may forget but not your family.
Peace and love brings everything back
Thank u for taking time to read my statement. |
| Ayaanick | Tuesday, November 07, 2000 - 07:18 pm
Hmm:
My life, My life, well I must say I am glad to see a lot of positive people resonding to the matter our brother has brougt to the table. It is really hard to find positive people with such a open mind that I am actually amazed!! (Love it even more). To the brother who was having the problems I am glad that things are looking bright for you. This is life, where you are guided by Allah, it's up to you to take whatever path you choose. Remeber that Allah helps those who help themselves. Marraige is a huge deal(that's why the thought doesn't even cross my mind), but that is just me! I have seen a lot of girls that I went to high school with back then in the days, and most of them got married before even finishing up their education. It seems like to me that they are not happy(not all of them), but most of them aren't. Their husband come and go as they please,,,to me I see that like(hey I don't want to end up with three kids, home all the time) I don't know how they do it, but I guess that is a price you pay when you become a mother! We need our Somali brothers to be please be nice to your wife's understand them, and help them out at times of need! I know that most of you were raised knowing that women should be the only one to take care of the family, but those times are long gone, and women are busier then ever with other matters as well. No Wonder you see a lot of teenagers running around partying at five am in the morning((where are the parents)) Be active on your childs life, beleive it or not it is now that they need you the most!! I am out got a paper due I have to type--up, but will keep you updated of anything that comes to mind!
Onle Love
Ayaaanick |
| Malaakh | Tuesday, November 07, 2000 - 08:11 pm
Dear Brother,
Your key solution is how you communicate with your wife, second is to teach her and treat in Islamic way....Which the prophet (SCW) said
" Khiyarikum, khiyarikum Li nisaa'ihim " mean
" The best of you is the best for his wife ".
If you don't believe in that than you are in wrong direction.
Salaam |
