SART: Cynical, damaged goods OR naive moron?

[gurey25]

Should you hold back in a marriage?

Granted you are still an individual, you don't stop being you just because you are married (this is arguable having witnessed the "being in love" disease) but should you consciously hold on to your individuality and personal objectives by maintaining an emotional barrier between you and your spouse so that you can still watch out for number one (you) first? Are you a moron for jumping in and assuming that your generosity and willingness to share and be a good sport/be a team player is/will be reciprocated? Are you selfish and damaged if you assume that it won't?

Are you the cynical or the naive type?





ps Dedicated to thread hijackers

you are obviously not married or you wouldnt ask this question.
the whole point of marriage is to share your life, why would you watch out for yourself first?
your family comes first then yourself.
ofcourse individuality is important and everyone needs alone time, especially introverts like myself.
introverts relax with alone time, extroverts relax by being with people.

[gurey25]

BV, yes I have seen it all.

George Bernad Shaw was once said; Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.

What appears to be an institution of sanity and happily ever after is actually a life sentence with no possibility of parole.

but this is where the fun lies, in the challenge.
marriage will drive you mad, yet it will also bring you the greatest joy and sense of contentment.
its a paradox.
i am enjoying it right now.

[Twist]

ka gooya caloosha taa

Did you just call for my stomach to be cut?

Ayeeyo, Af-Soomaali in laguu dhigo ayaad u baahay tahay ee markaad diyaar noqoto ila soo socodsii.

[BlackVelvet]

Gurey haven't you heard people say "gabadaas maskaxda uu ka qabsadey"? Meaning she's lost herself in the relationship/marriage. It can happen both ways lakin it seems that the people who "maskaxda laga qabsado" who are not able to still look out for their own interests are the idiots of the day.

ka gooya caloosha taa

Did you just call for my stomach to be cut?

Ayeeyo, Af-Soomaali in laguu dhigo ayaad u baahay tahay ee markaad diyaar noqoto ila soo socodsii.

Galaas maan seef iyo shield ku dhax wadan kara? Adiga you are one of those in leys ka ilaaliyo waaye. Meel oo kontan iyo shan qof ka yar joogan kuma so ag istaagi laheyn Lakin before aan decide-gareeyo between kaftan iyo kab maxaa ka wadey caloosha ka gooya?

[Lamagoodle]

gurey, enjoy it saaxib and I hope it lasts long. When it gets bitter- and it is bound to be- you will realise that it is a socially constructed prison.

Blackvelvet; The problem with somali first marriage is this; questions on the aim and purposes are not analysed. Marriage is usually a fulfilment of social norms. The so called love in the somali context is nothing but biological kacsi. When reality dawns it is too late.

The clitche " naag beena waa lagu soo xero geliyaa runa waa lagu dhaqaa" which by the way is also true for women is true.

Remarriages stand a better chance of success because of learning but, even here, there are dangers beckoning on the horisons.

[gurey25]

gurey, enjoy it saaxib and I hope it lasts long. When it gets bitter- and it is bound to be- you will realise that it is socially constructed prison.

i dont think it is a prison, if you think that way then you are not ready for marriage.
Its important that you discuss things early on, even while courting.
You should also know that people especially women behave different while in the courting stage and then transform into complety a different person after marriage.
So you should be prepared for this and know that it is comming, if you still like the new person then count yourself lucky.
men dont do this mostly its women.

[Lamagoodle]

Gurey,
In your opinion, why do somali marriages fail?

[gurey25]

Gurey,
In your opinion, why do somali marriages fail?

Men don't compromise and think that they can live like they did back home when they are in qurbo.
living outside somalia has extra challenges.
Another reason is expectations and lack of communication.

im not much of an expert its been 3 and half years so far.

[Lamagoodle]

Gurey, waan gartay. Most somali marriages- at least in the diaspora- fail because there is education, age and intellectual differences between the couples. Societal norms beget it;

[BlackVelvet]

the aim and purposes are not analysed

Isn't that what courtship is for? Ensuring that your goals and plans align?

i dont think it is a prison, if you think that way then you are not ready for marriage.
Its important that you discuss things early on, even while courting.
You should also know that people especially women behave different while in the courting stage and then transform into complety a different person after marriage.
So you should be prepared for this and know that it is comming, if you still like the new person then count yourself lucky.
men dont do this mostly its women.

Gurey you've repeated it twice that women behave differently and end up changing so much more in comparison to men, in what way do you mean?

[Lamagoodle]

Blackvelvet, courtship in the somali context is about the means but not the goal.

Ma maqashay; naag been baa lagu soo xero geliyaa runna waa lagu dhaqaa? or the female version: hadduu i dhaqan karo waan raacayaa (read if he can provide for (materialism), then I will say yeah.

[gurey25]

women hide certain aspects of their personality during courting stage , more often than men.
men are not that complicated, well most men really.

i know this from the experiences of my friends, it happened to every single one of them.

[BlackVelvet]

So women are busy hiding the ugly in their personality and men are too busy focusing on the end goal to notice or care as they build their own "been xeera galis". Divorce is inevitable from the beginning.


So then if you're hiding stuff from the get go or lying, then how could you possibly be all in? It all seems like a grown-up version of alaab alaabey.

[gurey25]

no men are not as complicated as women.
emotionally we are rather simple. of course i am referring to the majority.
we all know there are men who think like women and women who think like men.

yeah hiding things doesnt work, if you are in permanent relationship.(marriage)
if you dating then of course you should be doing the opposite just in case.
that means
1. fake name
2. fake number or functional secondary number
3. fake personality the faker the better

i was open during my courtship, laid out all my flaws

[BlackVelvet]

3. fake personality the faker the better

Damn.