Here's my address to her:
Amal's statement...
Why am I single?
“Why are you single?” That’s a question I get asked alot. So my question to all you single people out there is: why are you single?
My answer is like many others, that I haven’t found the “right” person, hence why I’m still unmarried and single. Being a Somali female, who grew up in America, my “dating” and possible “marriage-material” pool is very shallow, to say the least. My target audience are only “Somali men”. Not only just Somali men, but ones from the “good” tribes as my family has taught me. My family has instilled in me the importance of marrying only Somali men, not other men. Being in Minnesota, there weren’t many of the “right” type of men to choose from in the Somali men only pool. For one, there aren’t many Somalis in Minnesota to choose from. Also, most of the good men in general, were already happily married. However, I have come to the conclusion that perhaps being single at a certain age does mean there is something wrong with you. Perhaps, a single woman is single because she has daddy issues? Perhaps no male figure in her life growing up? I think that might be the case with me. In my self-diagnosis (via google), I think the reason I’m single is because I subconciously “choose” to be single, thus, I’m not attracting the “right” person into my life. Growing up in a single-parent household, with no males around, it has been difficult in choosing the “right” guy. However, I also believe it could be due to a person’s environment why they’re single. For example, many Somali females I knew were single because they never met compatible Somali guys. For some reason in Minnesota, it was hard for eligible females and males (that are Somalis) to run into each other. There were no places guys and girls could go to for socializing and meeting new people in the Somali community. Even at University, most people are too busy and rarely do you see other Somalis on campus (at least I didn’t!). The only men that I ran into constantly were not muslim, and not Somali. Also for me, there has been a pattern of going for losers, in my subconscious bid to make the relationship fail. In fact, I was always told men were an “enemy”, maybe this stuck with me somehow? A friend once told me, I watched too much Hollywood movies, and this has somehow “distorted” reality for me. Perhaps I’m too picky. Many females and males are single due to being picky.
Another thing is I’ve never really considered myself to be good at relationships, I’ve always made friends quickly but for some reason things always ended as quickly as it started. This has also applied to my relations with the opposite gender. Things are great really fast at the beginning, then I lose interest quickly and things go awry.Also, relationships in my opinion that are not based on halaal meetings don’t really work out too well. For a while now, I’ve been working on making my relationships “halaal” or Islamically approved. When I meet a guy, I will not be afraid to tell him what I want, and ask him if he wants the same. If he doesn’t, there is no need for me to waste my precious time.
Being in Somalia( *Amal is currently in Puntland state of Somalia but shes from Minneapolis), like I mentioned before, I have nothing in common with the guys I meet here. Their views about marriage and how I think about love are in two different worlds. I was talking to a guy today, and I asked him what type of woman he’d like to marry. He told me, he would prefer a woman who was “pure”. When asked what he meant by “pure”, he insisted that she must be A. a virgin, B. shy/quiet C. Behind her man. I had to laugh out loud at his definition and simply told him “good” luck in finding such a woman.This guy is still single.
Many women and men have a list of what they want their partner to be. For me here is my list of criteria for a man:
1. Good-looking
2. Tall (minumum 5’11)
3. Nice teeth
4.Good hygiene
5. Good humor
6. Open-minded
7. Smart
8. Caring
9. Educated (Bachelor’s level at minimum)
10. Somali
11.Muslim/prays 5 time a day/moderately religious
12.Westernized yet knows Somali culture
13. Romantic
14. Must have good chemistry
15. Nice personality/outgoing yet laid back
As you can see, my list isn’t long and complicated. Yet, I’ve figured out the reason why I am not getting this from a guy is because my pool is very limited. Maybe I’m focusing too much on just “Somali” guys? Why not open myself to other men from other ethnicities? Why should we as Somali women feel like we have to just stick to Somalis? Aren’t others men too? The bottom line is, being single shouldn’t mean being desperate, lowering your standards, or feeling bad about yourself. Of course another thing I will have to zero in on is religion. Being that I’m muslim, the guy will also have to be muslim, as I’m not allowed to be with non-muslim men.
If you believe that you will meet that special person, then you shall meet that person. Maybe it’s a matter of time. However, I’ve realized the most important thing is to first work on yourself. When you have a list, do those things apply to you as well? When we work on ourselves, we attract what we put out there. Maybe not all the time! However, if something is meant to be, it will happen. Society makes you feel abnormal if you are single by say the age 25, but everyone goes at their own pace at the end of the day. We all want to have that special someone, so it’s natural that no one wants to be alone in this world. God first created Adam and Eve. So, it’s only natural we are all seeking our other half.
Elyas...My statement...
Ok very interesting. I believe others wont or dont have the stomach to tell you the facts according to the order of nature.. However, I will give you my hypothesis .
First of all that list is vague and perhaps, I repeat perhaps, not you wont, but perhaps is unattainable. And please Do Not Be Mad At ME because i’ll tell you the bitter truth.
This is my theory, you might not agree with me but it is our Somali cultural point of view. From your readings I learned that your 25 – thats according to you -though Somali chics tend to take off two to three years of their real age, so we’ll assume your 30, loooool, just kidding. Ha xanaaqin qalbiyeey.
I’ll show you how your list of qualities are unattainable. As I said before, were Somalis and this is how we view things >>>>>….When a girl is between the ages of 16-20 she full of arrogance(rightly so as a matter of fact). She is a flower that just bloomed. She is gorgeous. And she holds the court because she’s the ruler of her destiny, a princess and royalty. At this point her list of qualities run in the hundreds because she can afford to ask for that. One of her big requirement is that the man has to at least have $300k in his account and must own the latest Mercedes. Also he must know the lattest track by Lil Wayne(waa ninka daanyeerka u eg ee tv-ka soo baxa, especially BET)
When she’s between 20-25 shes in her prime. She has matured a bit from her earlier days. Her arrogance is a bit reasonable. She is now 95% confident about herself. She still knows what she wants. She still talks from her nostral because like I mentioned shes still arrogant. Her list of qualities are high but not as high as before.
Now shes between 25-30 and she is noticing things.
A lot of her girlfriends are married now. She goes to their baby bridal showers. Whenever shes driving back from those gatherings, it hits her, that she is late. Her confidence now is running somewhere in the 40%. Her list of quality has plummeted, like when America went bankrupt few years back.
Now shes desperate. Gone are the days she required the pursuint man of hers to be holding a Master's degree at minimum. Now all she requires is a high school degree and good English grammar. Now shes ok to go on a simple honeymoon and does not care to throw a mind boggling wedding reception.
Her tribe requirement has expanded broadly. Now Baraawe people are excepted in her list as well as guys fresh of the boat. Even guys that she use to be dismissivr towards are given a second glance.
Good lord, Lastly and leastly, ages between 30-35, shes in her twillight. Loneliness has taken a toll on her. She’s perhaps on depression medication. She tends to stay away from gatherings because she fears other ladies would astrocise her. She no longer is friends with her girlfriends who are now married because she can no longer hear them talk about their marital bliss and their blah blah children.
Her list of qualities are noexistent at this moment. She is praying for a man to walk through that door but the guys that do knock on her door are few and far apart. Now she seeks refuge in the local Mosque. She becomes religious. Now she dont care for a man that even has a high school diploma. She just wants a man that can half support her.
Her priorites are shifting to the extreme as you can already tell. The main importance in her life is just to have a man to mate with so that she can have children like all the other girlfriends of hers.
she now looks back at her prime time years. She dwells in memory lane. Those days that she was between 16-20 and that poor guy that came to her family in hopes of making her his wife. She remembers that she refused him because he was 12 years older than her. She also remembers that he was in possession of a Doctoral degree in civil engineering. She didnt care then but she now learns that his happily married with three children and living in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia building a new supermodern city in the coastal city of Jeddah. He now owns 2 mercedes, one of them hasnt yet came out in the States, it was directly shipped to him from the factory in Hamburg Germany. Furthermore, he has one house in Atlanta and another one in Zanzibar.
End of Story…So do you agree Amal or what..looooool…
