Addressing the Elephant in the Room.

[Cherine]

I do feel sorry for the miskiin guys/girls who end up with such people because that kinda baggage catches up with you and according to many studies even effs up your future marriage. We saw this in originaldervish's thread about his straying friend.

One or two mistakes can be forgiven ( drugs & intoxicants most would have trouble with)but a whole catalogue of them!Yikes. Like Yummy said it's best to inform instead of concealing such things and then have them hear it from someone else.

[Sophisticate]

Hello Phinks,

You must understand that the older you get the harder it is to find someone your age that's like that. Women have it harder than you, since men are encouraged to be cads. So I ask, what is a lady in similar straits to do? Should she shun the manwhores (a guy with at least 1 sexual encounter) and decide to never get married. I'm leaning toward that at the moment. I'll resign myself to academia. It's hard enough to relate to my peers as it is.

Peace.

[1nemansquad]

Strange thing is as I read that, I kinda felt I used to know who the OP is talking about.. I'm from Melbourne also..

You are right a lot of girls with a past but I tell you what, we Somali guys are not blameless in this issue; I promise you more than not the first guy these girls have been with was a Somali guys so basically we turned out to ajinabi or the streets and the nightlife if you will..

I can tell I'm guilty tbh, (may Allah forgive me) and so are many brothers so we are at fault for this too..

[zumaale]

Hello Phinks,

You must understand that the older you get the harder it is to find someone your age that's like that. Women have it harder than you, since men are encouraged to be cads. So I ask, what is a lady in similar straits to do? Should she shun the manwhores (a guy with at least 1 sexual encounter) and decide to never get married. I'm leaning toward that at the moment. I'll resign myself to academia. It's hard enough to relate to my peers as it is.

Peace.

Do not despair sis, you never know what Allah has in store for you. As for your peers, you do not sound like a sheep so keep it real by being the individual you are.

[SooMaal11]

If he accepts her for her previous mistakes then shit he's a man that I admire. It takes guts to be able to accept all you've mentioned in the Somali community. There is a double standard of trying to control women and their sexual history but ignoring men and their whoring around. My last point is that anyone can ask Allah for forgiveness after all sorts of different lifestyles. If Allah can accept their forgiveness who are we as humans to label someone a "whore" and say they aren't marriage worthy.

[1nemansquad]

Sophisticate, reformed or repented manwhores make the best husbands.. trust me, I know...

[DANGIRL]

The hoe mentality never leaves. No matter how many times she repents or whatnot. She'll always have one foot out the door.

[Sophisticate]

zuumale and 1nemansquad I don't ascribe to the same ideas as Phinks. The brother is a prisoner of his own ideals and he seems a bit wounded. I was like that when it came to guys in my early and mid-20s. When I found out said fellow was popular with the ladies I perished the thought of him ever being an option. It's not hard to get intel in the Somali community. In any case I gave one guy a chance that was like myself. Until I realized we had the same morals but different values. I'm straight-edged so it can be tough. I guess I have become less choosy about the gentleman having a past. Although I haven't ventured off into the dating scene, it terrifies me so I figure hold off and just pester my parents when 30 beckons.

[zumaale]

Soph, I know you are pragmatic, it comes with age as life experience makes you more malleable. In my previous post, I was not referring solely to a search for a suitor that is not sexually experienced but to the malaise that comes with being a deep thinker and a down right pessimist lol.

[Sophisticate]

[Methylamine]

I've noticed that the some of the girls with the not-so honorable pasts are some of the most decent girls I've met, while some of the "religious" xalimos are straight up qumayos. The latter might be covered up and pray their salahs regularly, but also have the worst character ever by looking down on others, gossiping, and possessing other non-desirable traits; while some of the "liberal" girls will have a character that radiates goodness from them. That's my observation over the last few years.

I'm not saying marry the local baaskiilad, but if you meet a nice person who might have struggled in the past, give them the benefit of the doubt that they've actually changed for the better. The guy in the OP's story probably found goodness in his wife that others didn't see.

[GIJaamac]

"I won't marry a non-virgin" is one of the most used phrase ever by muslim guys. However 85 % will marry a non-virgin girl. That includes you too Phinks, if you're planning to marry in the diaspora. I've lost count on how many former hoes get married almost every two weeks. Better accept the harsh reality.

[Phinks]

Welcome back Phinks.

I think if she has repented and she has fully informed him of her past, and he has accepted it, it is surely between them?

This is true.

Her past is between her and Allah and whilst we may have our own thoughts regarding it, surely only Allah is the best judge.

Also, if it is a true repentance, shouldn't we rejoice?

But this is the qualm I have with the whole thing. I am questioning her repentance not to the fact that she realised her lifestyle was detrimental to her whole being as a muslim woman but more to do with the fact that her former Ajanabi partners did not want to commit to her so she then settles down with a miskeen Faarax. This is pure hypocrisy at it's finest. She realises her looks are not holding up like in the old days and her biological clock is ticking so she just settles for the next best thing, can't you see the problem here?


All I'm saying is If the kitten didn't want me, then I don't want the cat.

[Phinks]

You got a point though, as a Somali man, your pride takes a knock if the girl has history and everyone in the town knows about it. All it takes is for you to have an argument while watching a football game in sports cafe and to be put down by a 'We gang banged your wife nigga and she swallowed!'

Exactly.

If a chick has repented like Yummy says and one is mentally strong enough to cope with her past and the whispering crowd, I think it is a good thing do right by the sister.

Again, it's not about her repenting that gets me. She only married this Somali dude because she hit the "wall" and couldn't get her Ajanabi partners to commit. Are you honestly happy with being a second choice for these dhilos after they've had their fun riding the cock?

It's on you then.

p.s You think all the faraxs out there that go on about marrying a virgin end up with a virgin? There is some guy out there who hit it first in many cases.

Do you know what a hymen is? O.o


If she ain't bleeding I'm getting the fuck out.

[Phinks]

Hello Phinks,

You must understand that the older you get the harder it is to find someone your age that's like that. Women have it harder than you, since men are encouraged to be cads. So I ask, what is a lady in similar straits to do? Should she shun the manwhores (a guy with at least 1 sexual encounter) and decide to never get married.

Peace.

Don't be a retard.

You honestly think there are literally zero somali guys out there who are virgins and have their shit together?

I don't know why you're having problems but maybe there's something wrong with you? Maybe that's why the exceptional dudes are steering away from you.

I don't know.

*shrugs shoulders*

zuumale and 1nemansquad I don't ascribe to the same ideas as Phinks. The brother is a prisoner of his own ideals and he seems a bit wounded. I was like that when it came to guys in my early and mid-20s.

I guess I have become less choosy about the gentleman having a past. Although I haven't ventured off into the dating scene, it terrifies me so I figure hold off and just pester my parents when 30 beckons.

Lol! That's because you're close to hitting the wall. So of course you're going to compromise on your ideals. The truth is more and more Somali men are becoming aware that they hold all the cards when they are in their 30's. A Somali guy who has his shit together will be in demand by these Somali women who only a few years prior were ignoring these men. The reason you don't "care" anymore is because deep down you doubt you can snag the perfect man. So what else are you going to check of the list Sophisticate, his height? The required 6 figure income?


You think that life is like Sex in the City? Do you honestly believe you can play the field until 30+ and at the end there will be a dream guy waiting with an engagement ring? Lol, I'm sorry sophisticate but operating on that premise will result in disappointment and failure. You're a woman and I'm a man. Men don't have to compromise on their ideals because we don't hear the constant tick-tocking of the biological clock that is imperative of the female physiology.


Most of the folks here on Snet forums insulate themselves in echo chambers to drown out the reality that quality men/women don't want sluts/manwhores to settle down with at the end of the day but whatever, each to his own I guess.