Married or previously married people - in hindsight what would you have done differently?

[TheblueNwhite]

Lol

I didn't expect anyone to get that

I'm surprised no one else did.
Shah aan cabaaye markaas ayaa dhulka iiga daatey qosol daradiis.

[gegiroor]

Holly sh-t, BV is still making marriage topics, same as the last time I was here which was in 2012.

Didn't the sister BV get married yet? Can anyone confirm? If not, I will definitely make dua that she meets the right guy

BV

[BlackVelvet]

Holly sh-t, BV is still making marriage topics, same as the last time I was here which was in 2012.

Didn't the sister BV get married yet? Can anyone confirm? If not, I will definitely make dua that she meets the right guy

BV

Waad mahadsantahay

What was your previous name?

[Malachite]

Holly sh-t, BV is still making marriage topics, same as the last time I was here which was in 2012.

Didn't the sister BV get married yet? Can anyone confirm? If not, I will definitely make dua that she meets the right guy

BV

Nope.....But she is getting somewhere.......Snet can be helpful viewtopic.php?f=18&t=362852&p=4438882#p4438882

[BlackVelvet]

Holly sh-t, BV is still making marriage topics, same as the last time I was here which was in 2012.

Didn't the sister BV get married yet? Can anyone confirm? If not, I will definitely make dua that she meets the right guy

BV

Nope.....But she is getting somewhere......Snet can be helpful viewtopic.php?f=18&t=362852&p=4438882#p4438882

Oh the love of my life

Fate smiled at us on the day we joined

[Lamagoodle]

Let's learn from your 20/20

What mistakes should those green behind the ears avoid.

Edit: and what pitfalls did you just not see coming. Overall advice?

I haven't read all the replies; the worst mistake is probably to marry for the sake of it; societal expectations and to quinch lust instead of long-term goal of companionship.

My advice; marry someone with a solid education. Do not rush because you will, if the going gets tough, realise that you have ended in a prison instead of a paradise. Reality meets fiction (most of the pre-marriage descriptions/discussions).

And never marry a superficial man/woman and never allow your hormones and societal pressure to lead you.

My lama kumi iyo taano

[gegiroor]

I haven't read all the replies; the worst mistake is probably to marry for the sake of it; societal expectations and to quinch lust instead of long-term goal of companionship.

My advice; marry someone with a solid education. Do not rush because you will, if the going gets tough, realise that you have ended in a prison instead of a paradise. Reality meets fiction (most of the pre-marriage descriptions/discussions).

And never marry a superficial man/woman and never allow your hormones and societal pressure to lead you.

My lama kumi iyo taano

What if biological clock is kicking on the lady and she needs to have children? The longer she waits, the shorter time span for children. She needs to marry someone that she is comfortable with and hope for the better. Allah knows how marriage is gonna turn out, but if she is comfortable with the guy and he is good with her, she doesn't need to wait.

[Lamagoodle]

I haven't read all the replies; the worst mistake is probably to marry for the sake of it; societal expectations and to quinch lust instead of long-term goal of companionship.

My advice; marry someone with a solid education. Do not rush because you will, if the going gets tough, realise that you have ended in a prison instead of a paradise. Reality meets fiction (most of the pre-marriage descriptions/discussions).

And never marry a superficial man/woman and never allow your hormones and societal pressure to lead you.

My lama kumi iyo taano

What if biological clock is kicking on the lady and she needs to have children? The longer she waits, the shorter time span for children. She needs to marry someone that she is comfortable with and hope for the better. Allah knows how marriage is gonna turn out, but if she is comfortable with the guy and he is good with her, she doesn't need to wait.

Marrying for the sake of producing kids is not a good move. We have already enough bad parents in our community; intellectual companionship is the root of good marriages. Marriages of conveniences, societal pressure to deliver offspring and rushing are some of the reasons why our society has morally decayed. Biologically, the clock does not stop to tick before 40. Between 35-40 a woman can have two children that the family can cater for instead of bringing dozens of children to this world without providing them with love, education etc.

P.s. you are using the classical somali defensive mechanism; Calaf Allah. The geeljires have a saying; Ilaaheygaagan qab oortaadana raac.

[BlackVelvet]

Let's learn from your 20/20

What mistakes should those green behind the ears avoid.

Edit: and what pitfalls did you just not see coming. Overall advice?

I haven't read all the replies; the worst mistake is probably to marry for the sake of it; societal expectations and to quinch lust instead of long-term goal of companionship.

My advice; marry someone with a solid education. Do not rush because you will, if the going gets tough, realise that you have ended in a prison instead of a paradise. Reality meets fiction (most of the pre-marriage descriptions/discussions).

And never marry a superficial man/woman and never allow your hormones and societal pressure to lead you.

My lama kumi iyo taano

Very wise words

[gegiroor]

Marrying for the sake of producing kids is not a good move. We have already enough bad parents in our community; intellectual companionship is the root of good marriages. Marriages of conveniences, societal pressure to deliver offspring and rushing are some of the reasons why our society has morally decayed. Biologically, the clock does not stop to tick before 40. Between 35-40 a woman can have two children that the family can cater for instead of bringing dozens of children to this world without providing them with love, education etc.

P.s. you are using the classical somali defensive mechanism; Calaf Allah. The geeljires have a saying; Ilaaheygaagan qab oortaadana raac.

Lama bro, I beg to differ on the single mother phenomenon within the Somali community. It is no happening because incompatible couples were getting married and producing kids. In my view, it is happening due to husbands not being able to adjust to the new environment and not foreseeing the challenges of having family and raising children in the ghettos. Many of the Somali new comers to the West seek low-income housing, and the only place to get them is either in the ghettos or places near them. Majorities of work opportunities are not present in these areas. Since the new comers can't find jobs in the areas they settle, they resort to ceyr. There you have the problem! Once you raise children in the ghettos and start relying ceyr as the only means of survival, the children become product of that environment, and the next thing is family problems due to the husband not being able to provide for his family.

Let me relay to you the experiences and the observations of a Somali fella who works with one of the local immigrant services agency in Ohio , which helps new refugees to resettle in Central Ohio. He has compared refugees from Nepal, Iraq, and Somalia that his agency supports. To his dismay, the Somali refugees would immediately request to get help on how to obtain a low-income housing; however, refugees from Iraq and Nepal would make it clear to the agency that they don't want to settle in the ghettos and don't need a low-income housing. They instead request that the agency helps them resettle in the suburbs despite the high cost. They would work their butts off to live in that area for the sake of their children since the schools and job opportunities are much better in the suburbs.

Additionally, I've seen many family break-ups of the so-called "Intellectual companions". I can count at least 10 college graduates who work away from their families after they divorce their wives. Some of these men were making millions and others were earning above 6 figures. There is really no clear cut on family break-ups, but at least the families with GOD in their heart, who are mosque going, and college graduates maintain successful Somali families. So, having Western schooling is not good enough. You need taqwa in the family, bro!

[Lamagoodle]

Marrying for the sake of producing kids is not a good move. We have already enough bad parents in our community; intellectual companionship is the root of good marriages. Marriages of conveniences, societal pressure to deliver offspring and rushing are some of the reasons why our society has morally decayed. Biologically, the clock does not stop to tick before 40. Between 35-40 a woman can have two children that the family can cater for instead of bringing dozens of children to this world without providing them with love, education etc.

P.s. you are using the classical somali defensive mechanism; Calaf Allah. The geeljires have a saying; Ilaaheygaagan qab oortaadana raac.

Lama bro, I beg to differ on the single mother phenomenon within the Somali community. It is no happening because incompatible couples were getting married and producing kids. In my view, it is happening due to husbands not being able to adjust to the new environment and not foreseeing the challenges of having family and raising children in the ghettos. Many of the Somali new comers to the West seek low-income housing, and the only place to get them is either in the ghettos or places near them. Majorities of work opportunities are not present in these areas. Since the new comers can't find jobs in the areas they settle, they resort to ceyr. There you have the problem! Once you raise children in the ghettos and start relying ceyr as the only means of survival, the children become product of that environment, and the next thing is family problems due to the husband not being able to provide for his family.

Let me relay to you the experiences and the observations of a Somali fella who works with one of the local immigrant services agency in Ohio , which helps new refugees to resettle in Central Ohio. He has compared refugees from Nepal, Iraq, and Somalia that his agency supports. To his dismay, the Somali refugees would immediately request to get help on how to obtain a low-income housing; however, refugees from Iraq and Nepal would make it clear to the agency that they don't want to settle in the ghettos and don't need a low-income housing. They instead request that the agency helps them resettle in the suburbs despite the high cost. They would work their butts off to live in that area for the sake of their children since the schools and job opportunities are much better in the suburbs.

Additionally, I've seen many family break-ups of the so-called "Intellectual companions". I can count at least 10 college graduates who work away from their families after they divorce their wives. Some of these men were making millions and others were earning above 6 figures. There is really no clear cut on family break-ups, but at least the families with GOD in their heart, who are mosque going, and college graduates maintain successful Somali families. So, having Western schooling is not good enough. You need taqwa in the family, bro!

I respect your faith in Taqwa saaxib but with all due respect I disagree. Our community in the diaspora and back home is undergoing a moral decay that is unprecedented. Our social fabric, our families, our institutions, everything has collapsed. Marriage has been reduced to a show. But, I disagree that taqwa is enough. We need a revolution. We need to identify the root causes of our decay; single mothers are actually the unsung heroes of our society. We, men, have become losers; good for nothing fadhi-ku-dirir- xaaran quutado, ilmo ceyr ku koris batch. Our women are actually doing better.

We live in a bubble of Hypocrisy, lies and innuendo. Religion is used as defensive mechanism; as a tool of power to repress solutions. The institution of marriage which historically entailed responsibility and laid at the heart of birthing, rearing and educating future citizen has been changed to become a sexual act to quench sexual desires / and hormonal cravings.

Our marriages exist to satisfy the idiocy of “ kaaley I arka”. It is a poorly horrible show and satisfying a sexual desire.

It seems that at least in welfare states (and even Somalia) families have more children. Historically, children were viewed as investments; production and perhaps to ensure the continuity of the clan lineage. It was a simple logic; very rational; natural selection meant that a few of these kids will survive and contribute; some will die in infancy; others will die in teenage; of the remaining, some will be mentally unfit.

I am exaggerating by that is the rationale.

Today, many of us live outside Somalia; children need time; it is no longer the village that takes care of the children. Parents are absent; the mom is busy with her ayuuto and show-off changing dirac and dahab day and night. She is the actress in a show of mockery. The dad is busy in fadhi-ku-dirir participating in waan-daadshe and all our problems could be deduce to the gaalo.

This is the reality of our community.

We are all on a race to the bottom; I usually evoke Hans Anderssen’s emperor’s new clothes: unfortunately, there is no one to tell us that we are all naked.

Education;
This is important on several levels. First of all, in the diaspora, more somali women than men (based on my observations) have degrees compared to men. This raises a question; who will these women marry?

When I am talking about the intellectual class, I am not talking about the college degree/diploma, fadhi-ku-dirir- waan daadshe dittore. I am talking about finding a soulmate that has attained same education standard as you. You have something to talk about at home instead of watching somali TV news and participating in fadhi-ku-dirir.

So to conclude; when it comes to marriage, it is important that you take your time ( do not base your decision on societal pressure or the satisfaction of sexual lust) and make sure that you have the same intellectual capital as your partner because marriage is a long term companionship

[BlackVelvet]

So to conclude; when it comes to marriage, it is important that you take your time ( do not base your decision on societal pressure or the satisfaction of sexual lust) and make sure that you have the same intellectual capital as your partner because marriage is a long term companionship

This should be laminated and hung up on a wall

[Lamagoodle]

BV adeer, caawa I am in the mood to chat. I have a plane to catch in three hours; so I am bored. Thanks to Snet I can kill time.

[DisplacedDiraac]

- Make sure you talk about everything, I mean everything from how many children you both want to what type of flooring you'd prefer.

- Make sure you know everything there needs to be known about his credit history!!

[GAMES]

- Make sure you talk about everything, I mean everything from how many children you both want to what type of flooring you'd prefer.

- Make sure you know everything there needs to be known about his credit history!!

LooL credit history? Really?