Peter Kay One liners ;)
Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 10:01 pm
Peter Kay One Liners
> 1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said
> 'Thyroid problem?'
> 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
> realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
> him to forgive me.
> 3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
> go swimming.
> 4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
> get on with my real ladder.
> 5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
> ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
> 6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
> Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
> 7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
> But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may
> break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! >From
> there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
> 8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
> why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
> 9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you
> better have a good hand.
> 10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
> said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
> 11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out
> of meat?
> 12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous
> and give the wrong answers.
> 13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither
> 14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from
> things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
> 15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
> 16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
> I've forgotten this before
> PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
> 1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
> 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
> 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when
> your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
> 4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
> 5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
> a fire in your back garden.
> 6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
> 7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
> 8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
> 9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
> the first given opportunity.
> 10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
> through and then raced against the flush.
> 11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
> 12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
> 13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
> 14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
> 15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
> their arm broken by a swan.
> 16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
> wood specifically to stir paint with.
> 17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
> in a fruit salad.
> SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
> 1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
> 2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
> the core of the earth?
> 3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
> 4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
> 5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do
> is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
> 6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
> 7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
> 8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
> centuries' have a 'use by' date?
> 9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
> horrible crisp no one would eat?
> 10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
> 11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
> squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
> 12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
> 13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
> don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
> 14) What do you call male ballerinas?
> 15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
> 16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
> 17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
> vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
> 18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a
> billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you
> there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.
>
> 1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said
> 'Thyroid problem?'
> 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
> realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
> him to forgive me.
> 3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
> go swimming.
> 4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
> get on with my real ladder.
> 5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
> ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
> 6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
> Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
> 7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
> But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may
> break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! >From
> there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
> 8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
> why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
> 9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you
> better have a good hand.
> 10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
> said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
> 11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out
> of meat?
> 12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous
> and give the wrong answers.
> 13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither
> 14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from
> things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
> 15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
> 16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
> I've forgotten this before
> PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
> 1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
> 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
> 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when
> your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
> 4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
> 5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
> a fire in your back garden.
> 6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
> 7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
> 8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
> 9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
> the first given opportunity.
> 10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
> through and then raced against the flush.
> 11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
> 12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
> 13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
> 14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
> 15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
> their arm broken by a swan.
> 16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
> wood specifically to stir paint with.
> 17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
> in a fruit salad.
> SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
> 1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
> 2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
> the core of the earth?
> 3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
> 4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
> 5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do
> is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
> 6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
> 7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
> 8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
> centuries' have a 'use by' date?
> 9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
> horrible crisp no one would eat?
> 10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
> 11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
> squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
> 12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
> 13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
> don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
> 14) What do you call male ballerinas?
> 15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
> 16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
> 17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
> vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
> 18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a
> billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you
> there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.
>