Summary of recent Somali history in 20 minutes
Posted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 10:16 pm
Bush: I hear there are darn tootin' terrorists down in uh, what's it called?
Condoleeza Rice: Somalia, sir.
Bush: Right! My dad attacked there too, I should screw that country up too just like dad.
Porter Goss: I've got a better idea, let's funnel money to the warlords in the capital to 'arrest' the terrorists for us!
Condoleeza Rice: Uh sir, these are the same people who killed our soldiers in 1993.
Bush: Quiet Condi, that's a genius idea Porter, we'll call it the uh "Alliance for Counter Terrorism"
Porter Goss: Let's add Restoration of Peace in that name too, for additional irony
Condoleeza Rice: Why do I work for you idiots?
...
Isaias Afewerki: So who is the anti-Ethiopian faction in Somalia this week?
Sebhat Ephrem: Ah that would be the Union of Islamic Courts, your excellency
Isaias Afewerki: Excellent, send them a shipment of weapons!
Sebhat Ephrem: But aren't we trying to exterminate the Eritrean Islamic Jihad? Why destroy one and arm the other? What if those weapons end up in the hands of EIJ?
Isaias Afewerki: I know what I'm doing, get me a drink!
...
Sharif Sheikh Ahmad: Now that we have restored calm to Xamar, it is time to bring prosperity and peace back to Somalia.
Xasan Dahir Aweys: For one month! Then we will invade the rest of Somalia!
Sharif Sheikh Ahmad: But we just restored Mogadishu, we are not invited or particularily wanted elsewhere, why don't we just stay here and rebuild?
Xasan Dahir Aweys: Wussy! I knew you were too much of a pansy with all your "reconcile" and "let's all live in peace" crap. A caliphate from Alaska to Tokyo!
Sharif Sheikh Ahmad: Hey where are you going?
Xasan Dahir Aweys: I'm going on Hajj before the war starts.
...
Barre Hiraale: Geez these guys are all crazy, I hope cooler heads prevail, and things can be resolved peacefully.
Indha'adde: Indeed, it would be terrible if old friendships were to break apart because of politics.
Barre Hiraale: Indeed, hey look it's Xasan Turki, Indha'adde why are you putting that Cimamaad on your head?
...
Meles Zenawi: So the plan is, we invade, kill everyone, and turn Somalia into a giant oil field.
Seyoum Mesfin: *coughs*
Meles Zenawi: Oh right uh, what I meant to say was we are going in there to restore democracy and human rights to the poor Somali people.
Seyoum Mesfin: Indeed, and the legitimate, elected government invited us, isn't that right Mr. President?
Abdullahi Yusuf Ahmed: Indeed, now if you'll excuse me I have to fly to Nairobi to meet with some Chinese oil executives.
...
Meles Zenawi: Haha! We won! In your face Mengistu Haile Mariam, suck on that Haile Selassie, neither of you ever conquered Mogadishu
Seyoum Mesfin: *coughs*
Meles Zenawi: ... liberated Mogadishu. Now if you will all quietly lie down and die we'll have this mess sorted out in no time.
Abdullahi Yusuf Ahmed: If you need me I'll be in my palace, fire away.
...
Bush: Well this has gone pear-shaped rather fast. You suck Porter, you're fired!
Michael Hayden: Hi Sir I'm Porter Goss' replacement.
Bush: Get me out of this mess!
Michael Hayden: Well we could always start firing missiles at them?
Condoleeza Rice: That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard.
Bush: Quiet Condi! Ok let's get some gunships up there too, pkew! pkew!
Michael Hayden: Right away sir!
...
Meles Zenawi: Alright man I said I'd be in here for 2 weeks and it's been a year and a half, I could use some help here Yankees.
Bush: Hey there's nothing I like better than sending the Marines in to kill some poor black folks, but the damn liberals keep monkey-wrenching things. Plus I've got some bad news. The damn liberal donkeys cut off your weapons funding.
Meles Zenawi: Gah! In Ethiopia we would hang them from their genitals and beat them with sticks!
Bush: We tried to get that in the PATRIOT act but for some reason the liberals wouldn't go for it.
...
Sharif Sheikh Axmed: I have been elected president, the war is over, let's finally have some peace and quiet. Ethiopians, go home.
Meles Zenawi: I'll be back, you just wait!
Xasan Dahir Aweys: I don't like it, I want eternal war, you keep making this 'peace' rubbish, stop it!
Isaias Afewerki: Psst. hey Xasan Dahir Aweys, I'll give you all the weapons you want if you attack Sharif Sheikh Axmed.
Xasan Dahir Aweys: Kill the Munafiiq President!
Condoleeza Rice: Somalia, sir.
Bush: Right! My dad attacked there too, I should screw that country up too just like dad.
Porter Goss: I've got a better idea, let's funnel money to the warlords in the capital to 'arrest' the terrorists for us!
Condoleeza Rice: Uh sir, these are the same people who killed our soldiers in 1993.
Bush: Quiet Condi, that's a genius idea Porter, we'll call it the uh "Alliance for Counter Terrorism"
Porter Goss: Let's add Restoration of Peace in that name too, for additional irony
Condoleeza Rice: Why do I work for you idiots?
...
Isaias Afewerki: So who is the anti-Ethiopian faction in Somalia this week?
Sebhat Ephrem: Ah that would be the Union of Islamic Courts, your excellency
Isaias Afewerki: Excellent, send them a shipment of weapons!
Sebhat Ephrem: But aren't we trying to exterminate the Eritrean Islamic Jihad? Why destroy one and arm the other? What if those weapons end up in the hands of EIJ?
Isaias Afewerki: I know what I'm doing, get me a drink!
...
Sharif Sheikh Ahmad: Now that we have restored calm to Xamar, it is time to bring prosperity and peace back to Somalia.
Xasan Dahir Aweys: For one month! Then we will invade the rest of Somalia!
Sharif Sheikh Ahmad: But we just restored Mogadishu, we are not invited or particularily wanted elsewhere, why don't we just stay here and rebuild?
Xasan Dahir Aweys: Wussy! I knew you were too much of a pansy with all your "reconcile" and "let's all live in peace" crap. A caliphate from Alaska to Tokyo!
Sharif Sheikh Ahmad: Hey where are you going?
Xasan Dahir Aweys: I'm going on Hajj before the war starts.
...
Barre Hiraale: Geez these guys are all crazy, I hope cooler heads prevail, and things can be resolved peacefully.
Indha'adde: Indeed, it would be terrible if old friendships were to break apart because of politics.
Barre Hiraale: Indeed, hey look it's Xasan Turki, Indha'adde why are you putting that Cimamaad on your head?
...
Meles Zenawi: So the plan is, we invade, kill everyone, and turn Somalia into a giant oil field.
Seyoum Mesfin: *coughs*
Meles Zenawi: Oh right uh, what I meant to say was we are going in there to restore democracy and human rights to the poor Somali people.
Seyoum Mesfin: Indeed, and the legitimate, elected government invited us, isn't that right Mr. President?
Abdullahi Yusuf Ahmed: Indeed, now if you'll excuse me I have to fly to Nairobi to meet with some Chinese oil executives.
...
Meles Zenawi: Haha! We won! In your face Mengistu Haile Mariam, suck on that Haile Selassie, neither of you ever conquered Mogadishu
Seyoum Mesfin: *coughs*
Meles Zenawi: ... liberated Mogadishu. Now if you will all quietly lie down and die we'll have this mess sorted out in no time.
Abdullahi Yusuf Ahmed: If you need me I'll be in my palace, fire away.
...
Bush: Well this has gone pear-shaped rather fast. You suck Porter, you're fired!
Michael Hayden: Hi Sir I'm Porter Goss' replacement.
Bush: Get me out of this mess!
Michael Hayden: Well we could always start firing missiles at them?
Condoleeza Rice: That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard.
Bush: Quiet Condi! Ok let's get some gunships up there too, pkew! pkew!
Michael Hayden: Right away sir!
...
Meles Zenawi: Alright man I said I'd be in here for 2 weeks and it's been a year and a half, I could use some help here Yankees.
Bush: Hey there's nothing I like better than sending the Marines in to kill some poor black folks, but the damn liberals keep monkey-wrenching things. Plus I've got some bad news. The damn liberal donkeys cut off your weapons funding.
Meles Zenawi: Gah! In Ethiopia we would hang them from their genitals and beat them with sticks!
Bush: We tried to get that in the PATRIOT act but for some reason the liberals wouldn't go for it.
...
Sharif Sheikh Axmed: I have been elected president, the war is over, let's finally have some peace and quiet. Ethiopians, go home.
Meles Zenawi: I'll be back, you just wait!
Xasan Dahir Aweys: I don't like it, I want eternal war, you keep making this 'peace' rubbish, stop it!
Isaias Afewerki: Psst. hey Xasan Dahir Aweys, I'll give you all the weapons you want if you attack Sharif Sheikh Axmed.
Xasan Dahir Aweys: Kill the Munafiiq President!
