Love is doing the dishes

[BlackVelvet]

Agree or Disagree?


I Didn't Love My Wife When We Got Married

I’m a ridiculous, emotional, over-sentimental sap. I guess that’s why I told my wife I loved her on our second date.
I had tried really hard up to that point to hold it back, honestly. I wanted to tell her on the first date, but I knew that would probably be weird.
I still remember her reaction. She kind of gave me this half-shy, half-amused smile. Then she nodded and looked off into the sky.
I wasn’t heartbroken by the response. I think part of me recognized that she was much smarter and more modest than me.
But as time has gone on, I also realized that she knew something that I didn’t.


Like most Hasidic Jews (we both became religious later in life), our dating period lasted a very short time. After two months of dating, we were engaged. Three months after that, we were married.
And that whole time I was swooning. This fire was burning in me, a fire that burned just like that second date: I was in love.
But then we got married, and everything changed.
Marriage, quicker than I was ready for, did this thing: it started sucking away that emotion.
I tried so hard to keep that fire going, to keep that emotion alight, but it got harder and harder.
I mean, how you can feel that burning love when you’re sitting at the table discussing how to use the last twenty dollars in your bank account?
How can you feel it when you get into an argument?
How can you feel it when you think it makes perfect sense to put your socks on the floor after you’re done with them, and she has this crazy idea that they need to go in the laundry basket?


There was no way I could keep that dating fire burning as practicality invaded our lives.
And at first, it drove me nuts. That emotion meant love! That excitement was how I knew I cared for her! But suddenly, life was this grind. Even when I was with her. Especially when I was with her.
And even worse, it seemed that the harder I tried to be sentimental and lovey-dovey, the less it was reciprocated.
But it wasn’t that she wasn’t giving me love, it just seemed to come at different times.
Like, when I offered to do the dishes. Or make dinner after she had a hard day. Or, once we had a daughter, when I shared the responsibility of watching over her.


I don’t think I noticed this consciously for a while. It just kept happening.
But I think it had an effect on me. Because as our marriage progressed, I found myself offering to help out around the house more and more.
And after each time, there would be this look she would give me. This look of absolute love. One that was soft and so beautiful.
It took me longer than I care to admit to understand what was happening.
But eventually it became clear. Through giving, through doing things for my wife, the emotion that I had been so desperately seeking naturally came about. It wasn’t something I could force, just something that would come about as a result of my giving.
In other words, it was in the practicality that I found the love I was looking for.
And what was even more interesting was that once I realized this on a conscious level, and started trying to find more opportunities to give, the more we both, almost intuitively, became lovey-dovey.


And now, as I’m a bit older and a bit more experienced with this relationship, I’ve finally come to realize something. Something I haven’t wanted to admit for a long time, but is undeniable.
I didn’t love my wife on that second date.
I didn’t love her when we got engaged.
I didn’t even love her when we got married.
Because love isn’t an emotion. That fire I felt, it was simply that: emotional fire. From the excitement of dating a woman I felt like I could marry. But it wasn’t love.
No, love isn’t an emotion or even a noun. It’s a verb. Better defined as giving. As putting someone else’s needs above your own.
Why wasn’t I getting reciprocal lovey-doveyness when we were first married? Because it wasn’t for her. It was for me. An emotion I had in my chest.
And even when I let it out of my chest, it wasn’t love.
Being sappy isn’t love. Telling someone you love them doesn’t mean that you do.
And that’s why my wife just gave me that half-smile. She knew, even if I didn’t, what love really is.
And now that I’ve tried to change the way I look at love, the more I become shocked at the messages of love I had gotten when I was younger.


From Disney movies to my favorite shows like “The Office” to practically every pop song released, love is constantly sold as an emotion we have before we’re married. An emotion that, once had, somehow magically stays within a marriage forever.
I can’t imagine a bigger lie. And I’m saddened to think about how much those messages bounced around in my head for so long. And how much I’m sure those messages are bouncing around in other people’s heads as well.
I think that might be a big part of the reason the divorce rate is so high in this country. Imagine a whole nation of people constantly chasing the emotions they had when they were dating. A country of people trying to live a Disney movie.
That’s a recipe for disastrous marriages; for a country with a 50% divorce rate; for adultery (the classic attempt to turn the fire back on); for people who do stay together to simply live functional, loveless marriages.
It’s sad to see just how common all the above is. How many people are in pain simply because they’ve been lied to.


Those people deserve better. We all deserve better.
It’s time that we changed the conversation about love. It’s time that we redefine it.
Because until we do, adultery will continue to be common. Loveless marriages. Divorce.
Living Disney movies in our minds, and tragedies in our lives.
- See more at: http://popchassid.com/didnt-love-wife/# ... kbdTS.dpuf[/quote]

[Hyperactive]

i agree with him, people love the idea of being in love. once they marry, with the life challenges and tribulation..... they get use to each other and life goes on.

[Marques]

Good post Jas...but he's coming from his own experience..to profess love on the 2nd date is a bit iffy, one can see he is new to women..

[BlackVelvet]

Hyper it makes you wonder if you are with your spouse the way you are with your siblings, how long would you stay married?

one can see he is new to women..

And you of course are a connoisseur Monsieur...

[Marques]

yh obvi

[Insomniac]

That's long man, summarise it.

[InaSamaale]

That's long man, summarise it.

Man do dishes. Man love wife.

[Insomniac]

That's long man, summarise it.

Man do dishes. Man love wife.

Bullshit. How is love of your wife linked to whether you want to do the dishes or not?

[SecretAgent]

Jus buy a dishwasher so u have more time to make love

[Hyperactive]

lol what? siblings aa? of course wont be that way, cause no sane person, would share with opposite sex siblings the same bed every night. lol

seriously, relationships would last longer if there is common interests, goals. ...versus common love or sharing common views. love does t last under all circumstances or they say, worse or better!

you find people married over 30 years, once kids gone, problems started and end up divorce. marki horaba common interests ba jiray and ended. nothing could hold them together.

[InaSamaale]

@Insomniac, go read the article. I believe in you.

Love, the verb. I like that.

[BlackVelvet]

lol what? siblings aa? of course wont be that way, cause no sane person, would share with opposite sex siblings the same bed every night. lol

wth

I meant in terms of whether or not you take them for granted. Your siblings don't stop being your siblings if you're mean or aren't nice to them but if you treat your spouse that way they'd probably ask for a divorce lol

[Hyperactive]

loool. i mean, actually, he is right. love as emotion , who feels except you? love as action, do things for who you love, put them before you and your interest, that makes more sense to me, if i ever start to. believe in love to go crazy and decide to marry.


please that time, lock me in mental hospital !

[Lillaahiya]

A friend sent this to me y'day. I agree that as a society we should redefine what love is and not rely on literature (used loosely), shows, movies or other forms of communication to teach us how we should act in relationships

[BlackVelvet]

loool. i mean, actually, he is right. love as emotion , who feels except you? love as action, do things for who you love, put them before you and your interest, that makes more sense to me, if i ever start to. believe in love to go crazy and decide to marry.


please that time, lock me in mental hospital !

marriage can't be that bad. It's funny horta Hyper you went from back in the day saying you want 4 wives and now you want no wife. Being around women on SNet has put you off miyaa?