SomaliNet Forums

***TRIGGER WARNING***

I have this debilitating fear of commitment. I think I finally figured out why. I think I'm more afraid of being abandoned than commitment itself, but you'd have to be attached, committed, and invested for the effect to be actually felt.

In our community, there were only a handful of Somali kids who had both parents. Most of us had single-parent households and it was the accepted norm. When I was about 3 years old, my dad walked out on us. I think his decision had something to do with stress, uncertainty or maybe he was just fed up. He never felt obligated to explain. To debrief what had happened. He just started over with another family and that was that.

I don't think there's anything wrong with a single-parent household because growing up, that was better for me than living in a home and seeing violence and abuse--growing accustomed to it and accepting the inevitable. African families are a lot more flexible and fluid than their Eurocentric counterpart. I've said this before: there is no substitute for a father, but if you're fortunate, you'll have buffers (i.e. involved mothers, good teachers, positive/inclusive schools).

Now, that I'm a lot older, I think I can start coping with the abandonment. I'm so afraid to have this recurring experience that I would rather shut every man out. I'm not going to open up. I'd rather deprive myself of potential happiness, excitement and thrill of being in love than experience the memories I've repressed for so long.

Whenever I meet a guy, I contemplate about all of the reasons why he would decide to leave. Yep, I do that. A lot. I don't know any different. All I've ever seen growing up was men walking away when things got difficult. The times which define whether or not this relationship will thrive or cease to exist. You know what, it's not meant to be easy. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it. If it's easy, it's probably not worth having.

I spend so much time making myself happy. Being my own best friend. I tell myself that I'm enough. I grew up being told I will always be good enough, smart enough, capable enough and deserving. I've spent a lot of time preparing myself for future heartache. I expect it. Maybe I won't know what it's like to build a family with someone. To be unable to fall asleep without him there. To have a best friend, confidant, and advocate all in one. Maybe I'll try to keep faith and hope it will happen. I doubt it though.

In our community, there were only a handful of Somali kids who had both parents. Most of us had single-parent households and it was the accepted norm. When I was about 3 years old, my dad walked out on us. I think his decision had something to do with stress, uncertainty or maybe he was just fed up. He never felt obligated to explain. To debrief what had happened. He just started over with another family and that was that.

Sally, I think you and I are meant for each other. When I was 5 yrs old, We moved to Kenya from Somalia and my father never followed us. I am yet to see him upto now ( I am 33yrs old). I have seen my mother lifting laguages at home, I have seen her waking up at 3 AM to prepare Canjeelo for us before she start work at 7 AM. I have seen her so weak, stressed and growing Old. She never bothered to seek divorce or remarry. She Just devoted all her life for us. With that In Mind, I will never, Never, Never ever leave my child with a woman to raise. Divorces happened for Qadr but I will always wake up in the morning, take my child to school and help them do home. If I am not married with their mom, I will pick them from School and either drop them off to their mother or let them sleep in my house and drop them to school in the morning. My Phone will be on the School's first page, my name on their bag and their pictures on my Wallet. I just don't want to be a whimp like father. My father does not know whether I am taller or shorter, with bidaar or have teeth. He calls, I support him but he never even bother to ask how I look. Maybe because after so long of separation, we do not have that attachment. I plan to call him on Ciid after couple of months and maybe the next ciid or some.

You Fear of being left with Kids, I fear of my Children going through the same struggle that I went through. Knowing that you are talling and I do not have to squate, what do you say?

Sally, make sure your lifestyle conforms with the teachings of Islam. This life is a journey, so don't let anything to distract you from reaching your destination.

Sheikh, I'm so happy you're sharing your own experiences because little Somali boys are also abandoned just as often. They, too, replicate that kind of behavior. I think we need to start having dialogue about these kinds of issues. However, we can, at any point in our lives, decide that this will not be how the story will end. We're ultimately in control, but we're also interdependent. Thanks again for sharing. The power of personal narratives is profound.

Your quest to blame all your shortcomings on others is starting to anger me.

BigRedBook wrote:Your quest to blame all your shortcomings on others is starting to anger me.

We are not blaming anythng on others. They ran away from their responsibility.

Wooooooow, you two are amazing, absolutely amazing. Especially the lady. As you said, its not fear of committment but fear of abandonment emanating from your father's desertion and seeing your mother struggle alone. You are subconsciously believing that all relationships end up like that and you harbor fear of ending up that way. Life is but test and it comes with hurdles and complications, no one sails smoothly and lives happily ever after, I am not saying your expectations are based on such fantasy but there comes in our life when we need to face our fears and believe that there are millions of families who make it together and overcome the tests and tribulations. Believe in Allah (SWT) and that your destiny is laid down for you. There is a Somali saying that roughly translates "Marriage is like a dark room, expect anything" no one knows what will the outcome be and we are never guaranteed 100% that a marriage will/not be successful.

Basically, Trust in your creator (SWT) and be brave and I pray for both of you to be successful in this world and the next.

Don't let your father/mothers problems influence your life.
What Sir-Luggoyo holds importance, find Allah and a devout man will come.

Also men just don't up and leave.....These days Somali women bare part of the brunt of the rise of divorces and separations in our community specially in the Canada - home of assimilation into gaalo culture..

BigRedBook wrote:Your quest to blame all your shortcomings on others is starting to anger me.

I think you're more bothered by my honesty. We feel safer hiding from our problems than confronting them. We go to ridiculous extremes to uphold any sort of facade instead of being ourselves. We even have a difficult time accepting the person staring back at us. That's hurtful, detrimental and counterproductive. Only when we can be completely honest and accepting of ourselves irrespective of where others think we should be or what we should be doing can we truly prosper.

STARKAST wrote:Don't let your father/mothers problems influence your life.
What Sir-Luggoyo holds importance, find Allah and a devout man will come.

Also men just don't up and leave.....These days Somali women bare part of the brunt of the rise of divorces and separations in our community specially in the Canada - home of assimilation into gaalo culture..

I think the major issue with men leaving in our Somali community is that when they divorce a woman they also divorce their children. They feel like they no longer have to be part of their lives. They hardly come visit them, spend time with them, know about their school, lives, etc. This is a terrible thing, even if a divorce does take place, the man should take responsibility and care of his children. The woman didn't have them on her own and shouldn't be responsible of taking care of them on their own.

SavySallySupersedes wrote:

BigRedBook wrote:Your quest to blame all your shortcomings on others is starting to anger me.

I think you're more bothered by my honesty. We feel safer hiding from our problems than confronting them. We go to ridiculous extremes to uphold any sort of facade instead of being ourselves. We even have a difficult time accepting the person staring back at us. That's hurtful, detrimental and counterproductive. Only when we can be completely honest and accepting of ourselves irrespective of where others think we should be or what we should be doing can we truly prosper.

Give it a rest. This ridiculous logic would never be accepted anywhere else other than your cushy western world. It isn't a problem. You are making it a problem by blaming your present, personal shortcomings on things that don't matter. Personal responsibility; ever heard of it? You seem like the type who would make excuses for criminals, and blame their criminality on their parents, environment or society. I read your posts and all I see are a bunch of excuses for your failures and buzzwords to back them up. It is weak and disgusting.

Sheikh Mustafa wrote:

In our community, there were only a handful of Somali kids who had both parents. Most of us had single-parent households and it was the accepted norm. When I was about 3 years old, my dad walked out on us. I think his decision had something to do with stress, uncertainty or maybe he was just fed up. He never felt obligated to explain. To debrief what had happened. He just started over with another family and that was that.

Sally, I think you and I are meant for each other. When I was 5 yrs old, We moved to Kenya from Somalia and my father never followed us. I am yet to see him upto now ( I am 33yrs old). I have seen my mother lifting laguages at home, I have seen her waking up at 3 AM to prepare Canjeelo for us before she start work at 7 AM. I have seen her so weak, stressed and growing Old. She never bothered to seek divorce or remarry. She Just devoted all her life for us. With that In Mind, I will never, Never, Never ever leave my child with a woman to raise. Divorces happened for Qadr but I will always wake up in the morning, take my child to school and help them do home. If I am not married with their mom, I will pick them from School and either drop them off to their mother or let them sleep in my house and drop them to school in the morning. My Phone will be on the School's first page, my name on their bag and their pictures on my Wallet. I just don't want to be a whimp like father. My father does not know whether I am taller or shorter, with bidaar or have teeth. He calls, I support him but he never even bother to ask how I look. Maybe because after so long of separation, we do not have that attachment. I plan to call him on Ciid after couple of months and maybe the next ciid or some.

You Fear of being left with Kids, I fear of my Children going through the same struggle that I went through. Knowing that you are talling and I do not have to squate, what do you say?

Pathetic - you want to throw lyrics to a girl with pity party stories? You're the worst kind.

AmalJaber wrote:

Sheikh Mustafa wrote:

In our community, there were only a handful of Somali kids who had both parents. Most of us had single-parent households and it was the accepted norm. When I was about 3 years old, my dad walked out on us. I think his decision had something to do with stress, uncertainty or maybe he was just fed up. He never felt obligated to explain. To debrief what had happened. He just started over with another family and that was that.

Sally, I think you and I are meant for each other. When I was 5 yrs old, We moved to Kenya from Somalia and my father never followed us. I am yet to see him upto now ( I am 33yrs old). I have seen my mother lifting laguages at home, I have seen her waking up at 3 AM to prepare Canjeelo for us before she start work at 7 AM. I have seen her so weak, stressed and growing Old. She never bothered to seek divorce or remarry. She Just devoted all her life for us. With that In Mind, I will never, Never, Never ever leave my child with a woman to raise. Divorces happened for Qadr but I will always wake up in the morning, take my child to school and help them do home. If I am not married with their mom, I will pick them from School and either drop them off to their mother or let them sleep in my house and drop them to school in the morning. My Phone will be on the School's first page, my name on their bag and their pictures on my Wallet. I just don't want to be a whimp like father. My father does not know whether I am taller or shorter, with bidaar or have teeth. He calls, I support him but he never even bother to ask how I look. Maybe because after so long of separation, we do not have that attachment. I plan to call him on Ciid after couple of months and maybe the next ciid or some.

You Fear of being left with Kids, I fear of my Children going through the same struggle that I went through. Knowing that you are talling and I do not have to squate, what do you say?

Pathetic - you want to throw lyrics to a girl with pity party stories? You're the worst kind.

Whats up Amal? Where have you been? Long time Shorty

Sheikh Mustafa wrote:
Whats up Amal? Where have you been? Long time Shorty

Amal is a guy

Sir-Luggoyo wrote:Wooooooow, you two are amazing, absolutely amazing. Especially the lady. As you said, its not fear of committment but fear of abandonment emanating from your father's desertion and seeing your mother struggle alone. You are subconsciously believing that all relationships end up like that and you harbor fear of ending up that way. Life is but test and it comes with hurdles and complications, no one sails smoothly and lives happily ever after, I am not saying your expectations are based on such fantasy but there comes in our life when we need to face our fears and believe that there are millions of families who make it together and overcome the tests and tribulations. Believe in Allah (SWT) and that your destiny is laid down for you. There is a Somali saying that roughly translates "Marriage is like a dark room, expect anything" no one knows what will the outcome be and we are never guaranteed 100% that a marriage will/not be successful.

Basically, Trust in your creator (SWT) and be brave and I pray for both of you to be successful in this world and the next.

Ala he's still alive! Basra didn't eat him up