The meeting

[Lamagoodle]

Sidee la yahay? Just for fun.


It has been billed as the dialogue of the century but it turned out to be the circus of the century.

It was in the making for 15 years and had one simple objective; to explore ways of revitalising pan-somalism.

The event was marketed as bringing the who is who of Somalis together; the bourgeois, the proletariat, the cyber politicians, the tribalists, the islamists and Somalis from every walk of life.

In order to avoid tribalism, regionalism and other ills, the organiser had defined pan-somalism as a concept that encompassed people rather than geographical location.

The organiser, JaalleMarx, is a 40+ year old somali whose perception of pan-somalism was the dream of his father. He is a Marxist to the bone and uses Marxist analyses of class and classical Hegelian and Kantian dialectics (thesis, to gage a reaction, an antithesis, to contradict and refute the thesis and a synthesis to come to a resolution).

To JaalleMarx, every event, every process, every outcome and almost everything could be explained from the realm of historical wrongs. He derides concepts such as post-colonialism and post modernism that have become prevalence in analyzing Africa’s problem in general and Somali’s problem in particular.

The conference hall seated 100 people but it was clear that there were some gatecrashers.

Some of the participants wore traditional somali dresses (e.g. Macaawis, go’ cad for the men and guntino, alindhi and dirac for the women) while others came in modern western clothes. You could also spot one or two who wore the khamis.

In a Shakespearean panache, JaalleMarx opened the ceremony by saying; friends, somalis, countrymen, I stand in front of you to rejuvenate somalinimo. While we classify ourselves as tribe x, y or z, land so and so, non-somalis classify as nothing but somalis. We have a strong bond that unites us language, culture, tradition and geography.

As JaalleMarx was about to continue and say “ welcome to this conference”, simultaneous shouts could be heard from a corner of the hall. Several young bearded men who were sitting at the far end of the hall were chanting;

Takbiir, Allahu Akhbar! Quraan, Quraan.

It seems that they had been rehearsing the words Takbir, Allahu akbar for some days.

“Ok. I understand. Let us be civilised. This is a dialogue seminar and I urge you to approach the podium and give your two cents. It is simple. Say your name and make your point without engaging in personal attacks and vulgarity,” JaalleMarx reminded the attendees.

A young man wearing what on the outset appeared to be a skirt and spotting a goatee without a mustache runs to the podium.

“Waryaa we are muslims and we should start everything with the name of Allah ! This is a Kaafir meeting.

Not wanting to jeopardize the meeting , JaalleMarx replied; You are right young man we are muslims and as such we should start with quran recitation.

"You are an atheist! Your name is Marx" shouted Grandpappa.

No brother, I am a somali. Now ,where is Sheikh Hyperactive to recite a verse of the Quran? Asked JaalleMarx.

A young dark shabby teenager approaches the podium. It is Sheikh Hyperactive who is an arabic speaker who comes from a family of pious somalis. His command of the Somali language is relatively poor. He was born in the Middle East and had yearned to visit his family’s homeland in Qabri-da-hare, qalaafo, iimeey and Dhagaxbur. His dream came true when his uncle Sheikh Abdinasir invited him to visit western Somalia a few months ago to marry his cousin, Ardo . His knowledge of somalis was limited and confined to cyber discussions. To his disappointment all, he saw in the places he visited were poverty, destitution, persecution and other ills.

On coming back to the Middle East, he had remarked that the Luhya administration had sedated the once proud people of the region with what is termed as dhaanto which at a closer look is a bad copy of Ethiopian dances. “Ader, Danto ayu absiyey sidi kamriga. Dar ad intu u soo hirey ayaa dabada boodboodeysaa” he will remark whenever he met a somali.

Sheikh Hyperactive started reciting suratul Ancaam ; Bismillahi Raxmani Raxiim.

“I object to this nonsense “shouted a young dark man in jeans and a T-shirt with a picture of Christopher Hitchens.

“If we are to discuss somaliweyn ,we should consider the fact that somalis come in many varieties; secularists, atheists, islamists and animists shouted the young man. Let me remind you that we live in secular states!.

“f-king Slave Johnstone” shouted a few of the men in khamis. Takbiir, Allahu Akbar!

You are all Arab slaves and you have the audacity of calling me a slave? Asked Abdi angrily.

An old man stood up and grabbed the microphone from Sheikh Hyperactive. It was clear that he was drunk because he was stumbling on his way to the podium.

“Waryaa Abdi Johnson, sit down. This is a halal conference. Sit down and behave or your will be denied the Halal whiskey that will be served at the end of conference. “

“By the way, I am professor Knowthyself, I am here for the Halaal whiskey and the Halaal kuunto “.

Sheikh Hyperactive read the whole of the Sura.

Thank you Sheikh Hyperactive; could you please add a duca? asked JaalleMarx.

As Sheikh Hyperactive was reciting “subxaanakalahu man yaa calim yaa xakim” JaalleMarx interrupted him.

Sheikh Hyperactive, please recite the duca In Somali so that everyone understands it.

"Nonsense!" Shouted Thugamonics a middle aged man who was born in Wales and who was seating in the front row.

"Allah decreed that Arabic is the language of the Quran" added Tallo-Allah-u baahan who was sitting next to Thugamonics.

"If not Arabic which language?" Asked Arabman.

"JaalleMarx, I respect you and I admire your efforts but you have lately disappointed me . You are becoming the father of the Islam-haters on Somalinet" lamented Onemansquad, a New Zeeland Somali.

"That is not true" shouted dReacher who attempted to use reason but in vain.

Why is that not true?, asked Arabman

Reacher attempted to engage in a philosophical discussion but he runs into a wall every time because of pedestrian “why” “how” “when” from Arabman.

A young dark man wearing a bus driver uniform approaches the podium.

"Hello Skinnies, I am Dr. Yalaxoow and I want to mention that your futo is dark like the kettle."

The audience on recognizing the man applauded him.

More. More. Dr. Yalaxow they shouted.

"Dis Yalaxow is crazy. Bat, I layk him shouted Secret Agent and added “by the way, Dr. Yalaxoow is a woman. I no that b-cos I am a secret agent".

Dr. Yalaxow continues.

"Your qalbi is dark like you futo. You tink you are Arabs but you are all black skinnies. Arabs fock watermelons. According to islam watermelons can be focked if it looks like the vijay of a woman. Only condition it should not look like the Vijayna of a skinny woman. It should be like arab or white woman. "

"Dr. Dameer shut up" shouted Thugamonics.

"No I am not shutting up. You skinnies think you are Arabs but you are negroes. Have you seen these bibjas of Bintiland politicians? They look like Negroes. Have you seen the Bigjats of Somalidiid , ictifiraaf bolitijians?"

"You have been brainwashed by the Jewnited states of America!" snapped Thugamonics

Ladies and gentlemen ,let us cease with name calling!! Shouted JaalleMarx and added “ Sheikh Hyperactive, noo wad ducada”.

Ader, my Somali is not good. I will recite the duco in Arabic said Hyperactive.

After the Duco, JaalleMarx takes the microphone and informs the audience that the dialogue seminar officially opened. He reminded them that they should refrain from tribalism and regionalism.

A middle-aged man wearing a suit and a badly tied tie approaches the podium. It was apparent that he had prepared a speech and was in a fighting mood.

“Hello, everyone, my name is Voltage and I am here to inform you that JaalleMarx is a hypocrite”

Why? asked Arabman

Voltage continues: He is the philosophical father of HAG. Do not be fooled by his somaliweyn nonsense. He provides the metaphysical undertones for HAGism. If Abdiwahab is the official spokesman of Hagism, JaalleMarx is the theorist “

Four young men dressed in jeans and white T-shirts approach the podium. They push Voltage aside and introduce themselves.

“Hello, I am Marques and these are GeoSeven , Arman and BlackNwhite. We are here to state that Voltage is a pathological liar. Do not defame our uncle.

I agree with Marques shouted Geoseven. My adeer is the reason why we have come to this place.

“Voltage is the one who is a hypocrite. If you want to discuss HAGism I dare you confront Abdwahab, the Godfather of Hagism. He will murder you with words! “Shouted a young man later identified as BlueNwhite.

I second Marques and GeoSeven. I have known JaalleMarx for almost a decade. Even when I was a rabshoole, JaalleMarx was always against tribalism shouted Arman, a young bright man whose presence could be felt across the hall”

Facing JaalleMarx, Arman says " see ete adeer? Ma faaydo? Arlaadi ka waran"?

Another middle-aged man wearing the somali flag around his neck approaches the podium.

“What is wrong with you people? We need unity. We need to revive somaliweyn. I agree. JaalleMarx is a true Somali. I am XimaanJaalle. Let us discuss Somaliweyn. I think our problem is federalism. Look at Jubbaland, look at Somaliland, and look at Puntland. They are all tribe enclaves".

By now, Voltage was regretful and was approaching JaalleMarx. He hugged him.
"I want to apologize bruh . I was wrong."

As XimaanJaalle was leaving the podium, a young woman wearing a small hijaab took the microphone.

“Hello, my name is Hodan. Look at this fool from Ghetto. He is a tribalist one day, a wadani the next day and then a wadaad the third day. You cannot fool us again Somaliland afkaaga haddaad ka daayni weysid waan ku karbaashayaa”

“No icitiraaf mocked Dr. Yalaxow, who was sitting in the front row remarked in a childish manner. "Alala, alala no inctiraaf."

"Somaliland waay duushay. Fad ama ha fadin. Waa lagu fadsiin" Said Le Justicier in a voice that carried confidence adding "by the way JaalleMarx, Somaliweyn has been put in coma by Wanlaweyn. "

"Somaliweyn was designed, created and diffused by Somaliland people. It was stabbed and put in a coma by the Wanlaweyns."

"I know, I know "shouted GaroweBoy. "Somaliland waay duushey. No doubt. I know that because I am from Somaliland".

There was laughter in the hall. Even Arabman laughed at Garoweboy being from Somaliland

"Do not include us Puntlanders!" Shouted Oxymoron. "It is the focking Hutus that killed. We have created a paradise on earth. We have our own army. We have our own air force. We shall soon retake our lands in both the south and the North."

"I agree with Oxymoron. The Hutus are savages said a man who identified himself as Starkast and continued the northerners are qaad addicts. We are the only true Somalis. We shall retake Sool and Sanaag."

"Khaatumo, Khaatumo" shouted Ismaciil and Kambuli simultaneously.

"Kastuumo" laughed a toothless middle-aged man who identified himself as Ahlu-beit. It was apparent that he had been chewing qaad since the age of five judging by the condition of his teeth.

"You are all farodheers. I am your master now. Stupid reer koraads who drink camel milk "shouted MaliBantu

There was a short silence.

To break the ice, JaalleMarx said “ Brothers and sisters, let me remind you that the aim of this conference is Somaliweyn I.e. pan-somalism”.

"Mimi sio waryaa mlendo waaxid. Mimi ni mwana inchi ya Kenya shouted a short bald man. Fock your Ngamia mentality. KDF will remain in Jubbaland" lamented Patriot.

"Jubbaland? Very soon the Special Forces from Gedo will overrun the Raskamaboni thugs. They have been trained in Doolow and are armed to the teeth. I just spoke to a cousin of mine in Geedweyne outside Doolow and he informed me that the commandos were on their way" replied Voltage.

"Punda. I have Jubbaland what do you have?" Shouted Patriot.

"Focking Caano-boodhe! "Shouted Grandpapa.

"Look at these idiots! Jubbaland is here to stay. You are under my protection. You have been talking about Barre Huraale attacking Kismayo for almost a year. I say bring it on. Let even the Hutus join you! "Shouted a young man who identified himself as Metamorphoses.

"I agree with Metamorphoses. Jubbaland waay duushey" said Elite Somali.

"Look at these Caano-boodhos!" Shouted Grandpapa.

"Caano boodho or not I am your master" sung Babygurl mockingly and performed a short buraanbur to mock Grandpa and co.

"Naayaa shut up" shouted Grandpappa.

"I am loving this! Go on". Shouted Hydrogen, a bright young who was fashionably dressed and apparently a newcomer to the art of fadhi-ku-dirirism.

"Go on. Kill yourselves but do not think of coming to central regions of Gulguduud, Heyraan and Madug."

It was apparent that Hydrogen’s command of the somali language was limited. His pronunciation of the regions was like that of a non-somali.

Adeer, gör något! This flip flopper is hurling abuses at the ladies! Shouted Warsheekh.

Det finns ingenting att göra lilla vän. Det finns inga mediciner mot dumhet! Replied JaalleMarx.

A middle-aged man approaches the podium.

Hello, my name is Liquid Hydrogen and I agree with JaalleMarx. Let us be frank, We are nothing but losers. We have nothing to be proud of. Somaliland, Puntland, Somalia, Jubbaland etc are only in our imagination. We are poor, underdeveloped and morally corrupt. We should be ashamed of our presence on this earth!

Once more, there was silence. After a minute or so, a young man wearing a khamis approaches the podium.

Hello my name is Sahal and I am a political analyst. I have just spoken to Xamar and I was told that Dam Jadiid have decided to name a new vice president. President Hassan will make the announcement and his name is Yusuf Garaad. His mother’s cousin's friend is married to my mother’s friend aunt and he comes from Ceel Gaal near Beledweyne. By the way, if you interfere with my topics, I will take a shower.

I agree with Sahal and let me add I will also take a shower shouted Event.

“hello I am original Darwish and let me inform you that it is only Hutuland that is suffering. It is the fault of Qoslaaye and the people of Mogandishu! He is under the protection of sanka-dhuudhes “

Shut up ! You are from Kastuumoland. Go and free your people shouted GI Jaamac.

There was tension. By now, JaalleMarx was regretting inviting the speakers.

“ Listen Somalis. The aim of this dialogue seminar was to discuss our commonalities, what you unites us rather than what divides us. I urge all the tribalists to leave the building. Take your fights outside”

As JaalleMarx was giving the marching orders, a dark middle aged woman majestically walks to the podium. She was wearing a visible Djibouti diraac and her gorgorad was visible from the moon. Her uunsi could be smelt from afar.
If she did not wear the traditional somali dress and was not dark, you would have mistaken her for being from an aristocrat family.

“ Listen you simpletons. I am her Grace, Lady Basra of the Tudor family. I have painted my body black because of the occassion but I am as white as snow white. I know what your najor problem is; you have a small G..s.”

“Naayaa shut up! Shouted DeeqaDegan.

“Buurtoy, have you tried Jenny Craig diet?” asked Thugamonics.

“ Greetings my fellow Somalis. I am Yummymummy. Basra speaks good English. Believe me because I am an English teacher. By the way, JaalleMarx thank you for organising this event. But, please remember that meetings will never do much. Education will improve our society. “

“wait , wait. I want to speak!” shouted a middle-aged man as he approached podium.

There was expectation in the air. Tolow what is he going to say. Will it be tribalism again wondered many.

“Hello, We can overcome our problems!. I used to be Gaajounit but now I am Baastounit, What a stride! This shows that we can advance on the ladder”.

Everybody laughed.

Thank you for coming. With that note, we end this meeting. Next time, it will be by invitation only. Keynote speeches will be delivered by Jasmine, Zuleika, Leftist, Alto, Arman, Geo, Summerrain, Grant, Daf iyo Miriq, Tuushi, PO, Barbossa, Prince Daddy, Gabre, Advocate and many more . said Jaalemarx.

[barbarossa]

Thanks JaaleMarx for yet another great piece. The characters were all right on the spot, but my favourites were Basra and Sahal; you nailed them both like it is nobody's business.. That was so hilarious that I could not help but laugh throughout the whole thing. Thanks again, bro.

[AbkoowDhiblaawe]

excellent sii daacad aan uu qoslay walahi

[LeJusticier]

I am disappointed because you should have added more about the chauvinist Voltage who was born in booli-qaran, fed by booli qaran and celebrate every 21 October(to him Somali history began 1969 - 1991) and his counterpart red eyed AW252, the former Isbaaro owner. Mr legitimizer Isbaaro

Le justicier

[abuu_dujaana]

[Marques]

Waad naga qosolsiisay adeer. Thanks for the great satire.

[Basra-]

Jaale
Good work overall, but it lacks a zest of energy and spiciness. You need to move your audience with emotions, irony and rivet. Not a flactuations of interest here and there. Observe here-- let the expert amaze you!



"So Basra-- tell me why you have first, called me out of the blue after several days of not speaking to me, and second, the hush hush clandestine nature of you insisting on us meeting here! " What is going on? Asked Sheikh Hyperactive, looking very worried, and wearing large metrosexual slash homosexual celebrity Sun Glasses that. Hyper's fashion looked out of place. Everything was larger than his body. The oversized hiding 'fashionable' sun glasses was covering his entire small, boyish face. He wore an oversize Hawaiian shirt, with relaxed white summer pants and open toe slippers. His feet toe knucles were the darkest little things one ever saw, no doubt a direct DNA gift from his abgaal mother, whom he adores very much despite being a sworn, capital Marehaan- Sade. Hyperactive looks more boyish than Manish. Almost like a tom boy lesbian girl but not quite. No facial hair, skinny bone, and the grace of slimness which is emphasized with the large protruding teeth of a comedian such as Dave Chapelle. He removes his metrosexual slash homosexual large white framed sun glasses, and exposes his small, reading glasses.

"Hyper-- thank you for coming" Basra whispered as she looked left and right, nervously. (and curiously wearing a large middle aged borrowed gabarasar for hiding or discreetness purposes)


"The reason I called here is to break to you, a most unfortunate good news and bad news. Remember, our hot passionate night of love making couple of days ago? Well, I am pregnant. "

She flashed a nervous smile.


"Alhamdhulilaah---Basra. God has blessed us. Even though we commited Zinaa-- we must get married very soon. This is a gift from Alaah swt. Mashalaah. I want to cry, but it is not really manly. I was thinking of .....


Basra Interrupted Sheikh Hyper-- sensing a good importuned time to break in the second part of the news.


"Hyper- also, in light of you being very generous with your temper and feelings, I have to tell u, more news but I am afraid of telling you."


"Basra- it cant be worst than a big thing like a pregnancy. Is it the sex of the child? I don't want to know. I want a surprise on the delivery day, in which I plan to be there holding your hands."


"No--Hyper-- it is something less serious than a pregnancy but more painful. I hope u have the fortitude of believing this is also a gift from above. Hyper, I have HIV"



"Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un (إِنَّا لِلّهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعونَ) "


Collapses.

"

[Lamagoodle]

Barbossa, Warsheikh,Abu-D and Marques, soo dhowaada.

LJ, waa iska kaftan saaxib. I wanted to discuss each character in detail but that will be a long piece.

[Lamagoodle]

Jaale
Good work overall, but it lacks a zest of energy and spiciness. You need to move your audience with emotions, irony and rivet. Not a flactuations of interest here and there. Observe here-- let the expert amaze you!



"So Basra-- tell me why you have first, called me out of the blue after several days of not speaking to me, and second, the hush hush clandestine nature of you insisting on us meeting here! " What is going on? Asked Sheikh Hyperactive, looking very worried, and wearing large metrosexual slash homosexual celebrity Sun Glasses that. Hyper's fashion looked out of place. Everything was larger than his body. The oversized hiding 'fashionable' sun glasses was covering his entire small, boyish face. He wore an oversize Hawaiian shirt, with relaxed white summer pants and open toe slippers. His feet toe knucles were the darkest little things one ever saw, no doubt a direct DNA gift from his abgaal mother, whom he adores very much despite being a sworn, capital Marehaan- Sade. Hyperactive looks more boyish than Manish. Almost like a tom boy lesbian girl but not quite. No facial hair, skinny bone, and the grace of slimness which is emphasized with the large protruding teeth of a comedian such as Dave Chapelle. He removes his metrosexual slash homosexual large white framed sun glasses, and exposes his small, reading glasses.

"Hyper-- thank you for coming" Basra whispered as she looked left and right, nervously. (and curiously wearing a large middle aged borrowed gabarasar for hiding or discreetness purposes)


"The reason I called here is to break to you, a most unfortunate good news and bad news. Remember, our hot passionate night of love making couple of days ago? Well, I am pregnant. "

She flashed a nervous smile.


"Alhamdhulilaah---Basra. God has blessed us. Even though we commited Zinaa-- we must get married very soon. This is a gift from Alaah swt. Mashalaah. I want to cry, but it is not really manly. I was thinking of .....


Basra Interrupted Sheikh Hyper-- sensing a good importuned time to break in the second part of the news.


"Hyper- also, in light of you being very generous with your temper and feelings, I have to tell u, more news but I am afraid of telling you."


"Basra- it cant be worst than a big thing like a pregnancy. Is it the sex of the child? I don't want to know. I want a surprise on the delivery day, in which I plan to be there holding your hands."


"No--Hyper-- it is something less serious than a pregnancy but more painful. I hope u have the fortitude of believing this is also a gift from above. Hyper, I have HIV"



"Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un (إِنَّا لِلّهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعونَ) "


Collapses.

"

Not bad but the first part (in bold) is very weak and confusing. In addition, you forgot to consider the context. Remember this is a chaotic meeting.

[LeJusticier]

Barbossa, Warsheikh,Abu-D and Marques, soo dhowaada.

LJ, waa iska kaftan saaxib. I wanted to discuss each other character in detail but that will be a long piece.

Waan ogahay, waxaanse rabay Voltage iyo Aw252 labadaa u yara dartid.

[LeJusticier]

Laxanka heesaha ma saartaa?
this friend need Mulaxan

[Even123]

Great piece sxb, but after all game and jokes are done Sahal is right, DJ will shortly announce a VP (rumours say) Yusuf Garaad!

None the less I'm gonna have a shower now due to this topic.

[Lamagoodle]

Laxanka heesaha ma saartaa?
this friend need Mulaxan

Waxaan leeyahay Guitar laakin laxan hees ma saari kari. Waan tumi karaa oo keliye

[Lamagoodle]

Great piece sxb, but after all game and jokes are done Sahal is right, DJ will shortly announce a VP (rumours say) Yusuf Garaad!

None the less I'm gonna have a shower now due to this topic.

Sahal is insider saaxib. You are his sidekick

[grandpakhalif]

“No icitiraaf mocked Dr. Yalaxow, who was sitting in the front row remarked in a childish manner. "Alala, alala no inctiraaf."

By the way, if you interfere with my topics, I will take a shower.