Iran Denies Clandestine Spinach Program !!!!!!!!!

[Daanyeer]

Source: ridiculopathy.com
September 20, 2006



................"I'll be damned if I'm going down in history as the guy who let a rogue state like Iran get spinach on his watch," said Bush. "The same goes for arugula and romaine, too. Hell, I don't even want these guys having mustard cress. I think we'll all sleep better at night this way."

NEW YORK, NY- The tainted produce crisis has been with us less than a week and already the country has been shaken to its foundation. The shortage of bagged vegetables has cost working families precious hours of needless chopping and slicing- not to mention the terrible toll this has taken on the country's sizable population of mumbling, pipe-smoking sailors. Americans want answers.

In such times we look to our President who, in turn, looks to his advisers who happen to have their eyes on Tehran at the moment, more specifically the recent satellite photos of what appear to be large fields of spinach in the Southern Iran.

As the evidence trickles in, officials say there is ample reason to suspect that some connection must exist between the current food crisis and that other Middle Eastern country beginning with "Ira." According to a highly-trusted intelligence source, spinach actually has its origins in that very region.

On Tuesday Iran's foreign minister repeated the claim that Iran has no spinach program. Even if it did, he argued, it would only be intended for peaceful purposes and not some reckless foray into weaponized agriculture as the Bush administration has alleged. But by that point, however, the White House position was clear: Iran must not be allowed to possess or distribute spinach at any cost.

"I'll be damned if I'm going down in history as the guy who let a rogue state like Iran get spinach on his watch," said Bush. "The same goes for arugula and romaine, too. Hell, I don't even want these guys having mustard cress. I think we'll all sleep better at night this way."

As expected, the French are taking a laissez faire approach, encouraging the United States to soften its position on the spinach issue and allow cultivation until a clear and present danger presents itself. However, as convenient as it might be to deny the facts in this case, the threat is very real. According to logistics experts, a spinach-capable Iran could deliver the material via trans-Pacific freighter in a matter of two days, a chilling thought indeed.

In a speech to the UN general assembly on Tuesday evening, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad attempted to defend his country's provocative actions and perhaps avoid a wider conflict.

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"Do we not have the right to cultivate the crops of our choice?" asked Ahmadinejad. "Who do the imperialists think they are to tell us what we can grow and what we cannot grow? This is spinach we're talking about, not illegal drugs. My people have developed a liking for dark, leafy greens, why must this become an international crisis?"

If the Iranian leader had hoped to quell concerns in the US with his UN address, his efforts may have backfired. It seems fairly clear that the Iranians have nothing at all to do with the current E. coli outbreak, but this has done little to calm fears over what hidden motive Ahmadinejad may have for all of this.

Unless Iran can come up with a better explanation of their intentions (other than the ridiculously transparent "to eat it" story they've been pushing for weeks now), further sanctions or perhaps even the might of the US Military may be necessary.

"The whole thing just looks so suspicious," said Bush. "What do they need even spinach for in the first place? The country is sitting on an enormous oil reserve. I mean, duh! I can't believe nobody's talking about that."

In his address, Ahmadinejad made an effort to rebut this argument and cast doubt on the very idea of anti-proliferation when it comes to dark green leafy vegetables.

"Why can the United States have all the spinach they want but we are left without?" he asked. "Who are they to make such a choice for everyone else?"

The trouble is that since spinach is a particularly iron-rich vegetable, many counter-terror experts worry that, if grown in mass quantities, the country could easily use cyclotron-like devices to enrich this material to levels heretofore unknown in the plant kingdom.

Scientists sat the amount of iron would be roughly equivalent to scraping the rust from a vintage automobile, but according to Vice President Cheney, that is hardly the point.

"Why is Iran having spinach so bad? I'm not really sure," said Cheney. "Then again, it's not my job to worry about specifics. The bottom line is that spinach is an area for concern. For all we know they're working on a weaponized form of vitamin B6. In my business if you're not crapping your pants every few hours, you're not paying attention."
--staff